I realized four things just now.
First, I just realized haven't written a note in a really long time. It's not because I haven't had anything to write about, but more because I've been so busy! It's been a crazy few months in the life of Liz Humphrey, starting college and such. I love college and mostly everything about it: my floor, my roommate, my classes, my professors, my school, and my city! It's all wonderful. Admittedly, there's things that aren't so great about it. The food at Loyola is nothing compared to home food, and I'm so looking forward to not eating at a dining hall next year. I also miss my best friends. I'm becoming really close with my roommate and she's becoming one of my best friends, and of course I have my awesome friend/sister Cait that I met at Bio Boot Camp, but most of the other friends I've made are just exactly that-friends. Good friends, but not the best friends I had from high school. I think my high school friends and I have done a good job of staying in touch and involved in each other's lives. In fact, the distance has in some ways made me closer to some people, but still. It's sad when a person is just a voice on a telephone or words on a screen instead of a flesh and blood person I used to see every single day. But despite those things, college is great! I highly recommend it :)
Second, I realized wrote a note a year ago today. In that note, I had a prayer that 2011 would be a year of no regrets. And I'm happy to report that strangely, that wish actually kinda came true, though not in the way I expected it to come true. in 2010, I regretted a lot of my decisions, decisions that were made from January 2010 until the last days of December 2010. I still kinda regret those decisions and if given the chance, I would make different choices: maybe say things differently or not say things at all, be friends with different people, focus on the important things instead of the little things I focused on. In contrast, when I look at 2011, I can't really think of anything I would do differently. I mean, of course there's one or two things i wish I hadn't done, and do I wish some things hadn't happened the way they did? Heck yes!!! But, the choices I made didn't really make those things happen. They were the results of choices made by other people, and I had no control. As a whole, I lived 2011 exactly how I would live it if I could go back and do it over again. It was the end of high school and the beginning of college, and everything worked out pretty great in the end. The most important thing is that God brought my heart closer to Him again, and it'd been far away for so long, probably longer than I even knew. This year has taught me how to love Him again without certain people in my life helping me love Him. He blessed me beyond imagining, and even when He wasn't giving me what I wanted, He gave me what I needed. He's the reason why, for the first time in my life, I think I can look back on a year and have absolutely no regrets. Now let's do that again this year!!! :)
Third, I've realized how much a year has changed me. I'm looking at a journal entry I wrote a year ago today, and I'm laughing at how my perception of certain people has changed. I'm laughing at the things I thought I knew and the absolute idiot I made of myself by thinking to know so much. It's just so strange. This year was first for me because it's a year of no regrets, but it's also a first in that I really feel older. I look at my writing from last year and feel old. I am fully aware that by every standard out there, I'm still so so so so young, but still. I feel like I know more than I did at this time and that's made me different. I know how to love people better. I know to think in different ways. I know myself better. It's not that I know more facts about loving or thinking or myself, because I don't think I do. It's just that I've lived another year. It's more experience. Experiences change you, and I've experienced this year. Maybe it's actually wisdom. Not knowledge. As we said in Honors lecture last semester, the difference between knowledge and wisdom is experience. Maybe I've grown a tiny bit wiser and that's why I feel older.
Fourth, I realized there's few things I want to change this year. Number One: Loving Others. I've gotten better at it. I want to be even better at it. I feel like that's something that I want to be known for, is someone who loves her friends, family, and everyone she meets and shows that love every chance she gets. Someone who has compassion for everyone and never gives up on anyone. In 2012, I want to continue becoming that person. Number Two: Trusting. I'm so bad at trusting people to be honest with me. I think I'm probably the most paranoid person in the world, because there's times when I feel that everyone secretly hates me and is annoyed by my presence. That needs to stop and I need to let that go, and realize that my friends' lives do not revolve around me, so they don't all spend their time plotting against me haha :) I also need to trust God more. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. Thought I did, but I don't. So, I need to trust Him to show me what He wants me to do, and not panic over a future I can't see. I also need to trust that someday, He'll give me what I want most, and at that time, it'll finally also be what I need. in 2012, I'm gonna continue learning to trust others. Number Three: Loving Myself. I've noticed that I've gotten really good at hating myself. Too good. If you ask me, I could give a very long and angst ridden list of the physical, emotional, and mental things I dislike about myself. Occasionally, I think that the list of things I dislike is incredibly ridiculous and of course there's plenty to like about me. Starting with the fact that God made me and I'm the only one of me anywhere in the universe. But, more often than not, I just accept the list as fact. I need to start loving who I am, because I will continue to be the most insecure, paranoid person if I can't love myself for who I am and who I'm made to be. I will continue to feel like everyone secretly hates me if I already hate myself. I need to see myself how the people who truly love me see me. That's going to take some work, especially since in my heart, I'm not sure I'll love myself until, well, I walk down an aisle in a fancy white dress to be with someone who loves me enough to spend the rest of his life with me. But, I can't wait that long to like myself the way I am, because it hurts me to hate myself. It hurts me so much to think I'm worthless and inferior. Thinking that affects everything I do negatively. So, in 2012, I want to learn to love myself. Which sounds really arrogant and prideful to write down, but I'm not sure it's arrogant and prideful at all.
So, I'm asking God for 2012 to be another year of no regrets, and a year where I work on the three things mentioned above. And hopefully, it'll be an even better year that 2011 was :)
First, I just realized haven't written a note in a really long time. It's not because I haven't had anything to write about, but more because I've been so busy! It's been a crazy few months in the life of Liz Humphrey, starting college and such. I love college and mostly everything about it: my floor, my roommate, my classes, my professors, my school, and my city! It's all wonderful. Admittedly, there's things that aren't so great about it. The food at Loyola is nothing compared to home food, and I'm so looking forward to not eating at a dining hall next year. I also miss my best friends. I'm becoming really close with my roommate and she's becoming one of my best friends, and of course I have my awesome friend/sister Cait that I met at Bio Boot Camp, but most of the other friends I've made are just exactly that-friends. Good friends, but not the best friends I had from high school. I think my high school friends and I have done a good job of staying in touch and involved in each other's lives. In fact, the distance has in some ways made me closer to some people, but still. It's sad when a person is just a voice on a telephone or words on a screen instead of a flesh and blood person I used to see every single day. But despite those things, college is great! I highly recommend it :)
Second, I realized wrote a note a year ago today. In that note, I had a prayer that 2011 would be a year of no regrets. And I'm happy to report that strangely, that wish actually kinda came true, though not in the way I expected it to come true. in 2010, I regretted a lot of my decisions, decisions that were made from January 2010 until the last days of December 2010. I still kinda regret those decisions and if given the chance, I would make different choices: maybe say things differently or not say things at all, be friends with different people, focus on the important things instead of the little things I focused on. In contrast, when I look at 2011, I can't really think of anything I would do differently. I mean, of course there's one or two things i wish I hadn't done, and do I wish some things hadn't happened the way they did? Heck yes!!! But, the choices I made didn't really make those things happen. They were the results of choices made by other people, and I had no control. As a whole, I lived 2011 exactly how I would live it if I could go back and do it over again. It was the end of high school and the beginning of college, and everything worked out pretty great in the end. The most important thing is that God brought my heart closer to Him again, and it'd been far away for so long, probably longer than I even knew. This year has taught me how to love Him again without certain people in my life helping me love Him. He blessed me beyond imagining, and even when He wasn't giving me what I wanted, He gave me what I needed. He's the reason why, for the first time in my life, I think I can look back on a year and have absolutely no regrets. Now let's do that again this year!!! :)
Third, I've realized how much a year has changed me. I'm looking at a journal entry I wrote a year ago today, and I'm laughing at how my perception of certain people has changed. I'm laughing at the things I thought I knew and the absolute idiot I made of myself by thinking to know so much. It's just so strange. This year was first for me because it's a year of no regrets, but it's also a first in that I really feel older. I look at my writing from last year and feel old. I am fully aware that by every standard out there, I'm still so so so so young, but still. I feel like I know more than I did at this time and that's made me different. I know how to love people better. I know to think in different ways. I know myself better. It's not that I know more facts about loving or thinking or myself, because I don't think I do. It's just that I've lived another year. It's more experience. Experiences change you, and I've experienced this year. Maybe it's actually wisdom. Not knowledge. As we said in Honors lecture last semester, the difference between knowledge and wisdom is experience. Maybe I've grown a tiny bit wiser and that's why I feel older.
Fourth, I realized there's few things I want to change this year. Number One: Loving Others. I've gotten better at it. I want to be even better at it. I feel like that's something that I want to be known for, is someone who loves her friends, family, and everyone she meets and shows that love every chance she gets. Someone who has compassion for everyone and never gives up on anyone. In 2012, I want to continue becoming that person. Number Two: Trusting. I'm so bad at trusting people to be honest with me. I think I'm probably the most paranoid person in the world, because there's times when I feel that everyone secretly hates me and is annoyed by my presence. That needs to stop and I need to let that go, and realize that my friends' lives do not revolve around me, so they don't all spend their time plotting against me haha :) I also need to trust God more. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. Thought I did, but I don't. So, I need to trust Him to show me what He wants me to do, and not panic over a future I can't see. I also need to trust that someday, He'll give me what I want most, and at that time, it'll finally also be what I need. in 2012, I'm gonna continue learning to trust others. Number Three: Loving Myself. I've noticed that I've gotten really good at hating myself. Too good. If you ask me, I could give a very long and angst ridden list of the physical, emotional, and mental things I dislike about myself. Occasionally, I think that the list of things I dislike is incredibly ridiculous and of course there's plenty to like about me. Starting with the fact that God made me and I'm the only one of me anywhere in the universe. But, more often than not, I just accept the list as fact. I need to start loving who I am, because I will continue to be the most insecure, paranoid person if I can't love myself for who I am and who I'm made to be. I will continue to feel like everyone secretly hates me if I already hate myself. I need to see myself how the people who truly love me see me. That's going to take some work, especially since in my heart, I'm not sure I'll love myself until, well, I walk down an aisle in a fancy white dress to be with someone who loves me enough to spend the rest of his life with me. But, I can't wait that long to like myself the way I am, because it hurts me to hate myself. It hurts me so much to think I'm worthless and inferior. Thinking that affects everything I do negatively. So, in 2012, I want to learn to love myself. Which sounds really arrogant and prideful to write down, but I'm not sure it's arrogant and prideful at all.
So, I'm asking God for 2012 to be another year of no regrets, and a year where I work on the three things mentioned above. And hopefully, it'll be an even better year that 2011 was :)
