So I'm starting to realize there's a theme that's completely encompassed the past four years of my life and is continuing to encompass it. And while that theme is a positive one, generally, it has made the last four years an emotional roller coaster like none other. Which, I suppose, is natural because I'm a teenage girl and hormones are weird. Whatever. That's not the point. And that doesn't make the theme any less valid. The theme, ladies and gentlemen, is love. Love, not as in showing respect and compassion to everyone, but as in deeply and truly caring about people you're close to, friendship, family, and significant other love. Throughout high school, especially the last two years, the theme of my life has been this kind of love, experiencing it and giving it and receiving it. It's ironic, though, that I still I have no idea what love is all about. It's the craziest thing in the world. 1st Corinthians 13 and other passages of the Bible spell out the basics pretty clearly, but application and experience are so different than just reading about it. Every time I think I have love all figured out, I see an aspect of it that I don't understand and my mind and heart don't know what to do. This note is just a bunch of random things I've learned and questions I still have about love, this utterly mysterious thing. (It's probably mysterious because I'm over thinking it, but that's me haha)
First things: You can love your friends. I know. This is shocking. This didn't really hit me until high school. I always felt really attached to my friends in elementary school and junior high, but I didn't really put a name on it. I now know that what I felt was love, and so now, I can say I love my friends, as close as family if not closer in some ways.This provides a perfect segue into the second thing which is...
Second thing: I'm one of those people who doesn't like to say "I love you": unless they really mean it. Like everyone, I say it jokingly but only occasionally. For the most part, when I tell someone I love him/her, I mean it. From the depths of my heart, I care about that person and would probably do just about anything for him/her. So if you've ever been really creepy and wondered why I don't say that to people often, it's because I really mean it when I say it. I think this makes me awkward sometimes, and that's related to the third thing.
Third thing: Love scares people to death because of the ways it can make you feel. Giving it makes you vulnerable, which no one likes. Ever. Receiving it makes you feel good because it means you're special to someone, but if you don't feel the same way about the person who loves you, it also can make you feel guilty. I know people have loved me and valued me more than I have loved them, and I have loved and valued people more than they love me. Whenever this happens, it is hurtful to both sides, more so to the person who loves more, but also a little bit to the person who doesn't love as much. It brings feelings of guilt, and I'm not sure there's a way to cure these feelings because...
First question: When it comes to this kind of love, can you really choose who you love and to what extent you love them? When the Bible says to love your enemies, I think that involves a conscious decision to treat them with compassion and respect and kindness that are due to everyone. We should love everyone in this way. The friendship and family love also entails this. I think, however, there's an added element of emotional closeness that's unique to family and friendship love that grows through shared experiences or meshing personality traits or being attracted to something in that person. You can't make a conscious decision to have that "chemistry," for lack of a better term. So, if someone doesn't care about as much as you care about them, I'm not sure it's your fault or the other person's fault. Maybe you just can't help who you love and to what extent you love them. I don't know. I'm open to other answers.
Second question: If you knew someone loved you unconditionally and would do anything for you, would that make you more or less likely to treat him or her kindly and lovingly? I think less likely. I know this sounds bad, but I think I've observed this in my actions towards people that love me and the actions of people I love towards me. When someone loves you completely and supports you fully, I think you take that person for granted. You feel free to go ahead and love other people whose love is harder to get. You treat these people better because you have to pursue them. The people who's love comes easily are uninteresting. Less intriguing and fun, perhaps. I don't know. I wonder sometimes what would my reaction would be if my mom told me she didn't love me anymore because I treated her less kindly than I treat my friends. I wonder how some people in my life would react if I told them I didn't want to be their friend anymore because I think they take me for granted. Both of these situations will never happen, but I still wonder.
Fifth and last thing, for tonight anyway: I think you can love a friend of the opposite gender with your whole heart, be incredibly close to this person and still not want to date or marry him/her. I'm not saying it isn't confusing and weird at times but I've confronted this issue at least twice in the very recent past and come to this conclusion. It's possible. I'm not sure why people think it's so incredibly different from a best friend of the same gender. I know there are obvious gender differences and therefore barriers to communication and so there's tension sometimes and awkwardness. I think it's possible, though, because I can think of at least 3 friendships in my life right now and even more in other people's lives where this holds true. As a matter of fact, I often feel more comfortable with my guy friends because I have three brothers and also because guys are just more fun and laid back most of the time (sorry girls).
I have more thoughts, but I've officially procrastinated for an hour and it's time to study for my psych test :)
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