This is basically just some scattered thoughts I had while on my cruise last week. It's now time to get them out of my brain because I have a little time to write. Sigh. Seeing parts of the world so radically different from home made me never want to come home again. Right now, I'm feeling dissatisfied with everything and out of place because the richness of the culture and diversity of the people in Europe and Africa appeared so much more beautiful and fascinating than in the US. I don't know whether it was just because it was a new experience, but I really, really want to go back there. Like, today. This moment. I felt at home in foreign countries. And I want to go see more of the world ASAP. (Confession: I'm not gonna lie, about a fifth of the reason for me wanting to go back is the quantity of attractive guys I saw in Spain).
Though I feel a little discontented at home, I missed everyone A LOT while I was in foreign countries. I realized just how much my friends have infiltrated my life. I would look at things and think what they would be saying if they were with me. It was this weird sort of conversation I was having inside my head with people who weren't there. Kinda crazy, but true. My family got a little mad at me at the beginning of the trip because about half of my trains of thought would lead back to lines from plays, inside jokes that I couldn't share with my family, and other moments I remembered from times I shared with friends. I wish I could've brought everyone with me on the trip so I could really share everything with you guys, but the pictures I upload in about 6 weeks will have to do.
I'm a creepy person. People who know me well know this. Well, my creepiness rose to new heights during this trip because it's much easier to eavesdrop on people they think you don't know their language. Yes, that's right. I spied on all the Spaniards I saw at the airport and on the plane home. And I grew strangely attached to them. I actually miss them a little because I liked their personalities. I gave them all very unoriginal nicknames. There was this one guy who looked like a professor. I called him "The Professor." The Professor, the "Bald Guy," the "Bald Guy's Shy Wife," and the "Businessman" were one group of people I eavesdropped on for two hours in the boarding pass line. They were making fun of American tourists with their shorts and cameras in Las Ramblas, the touristy area of Barcelona. They were also talking about the stock market at one point, I think. I'm not exactly sure. They spoke rapid fire Spanish.
I also spied on The Pinker Tones, a band from Barcelona that happened to be on our flight, and also happened to sit near from us on the plane. One guy in particular from the band, Chris, sat right diagonally from me, and of course, he was the cutest one in the band. Needless to say, I took pictures of him, awake and asleep, and also took pictures of the book he was reading. (One chapter was titled "The Summer of Love"?) I know-creepy. I also listened to the 20 minute conversation he and my dad had before we landed in New York. I really wish I could go to their concert in Chicago in two weeks, but unfortunately, it's on the opening night of my play. Sad. I wanted to see Chris again, and maybe actually meet him this time instead of stalking him. I feel bad for being so creepy, but hey, what else was I supposed to do while waiting in lines for 2 hours and then sitting on a plane for 9 hours? So, this is a public apology to the Pinker Tones and The Professor, the Bald Guy, the Bald Guy's Shy Wife, and the Businessman. I'm sorry for stalking you all.
Now the actual semi-deep thoughts. Have you ever wanted something so much you shudder when you think about it? Chills run down your spine and you feel afraid and hopeful at the same time. Then you sigh because your entire being wants it so bad. I'm not talking about a person, necessarily. It could be an experience, an object, an abstract idea, or anything. but you want it. More than anything in the entire world. Now you don't get the thing you want and something snaps. Ugh. That is pain. That is loss. That hurts. This is the breaking point. After this point, something in you seals over with stone. You become numb. It doesn't matter because it hurts if it matters. Feeling numb, you move on, changed and scared to want anything so bad again. I went through this kind of thing this September. It was so bad. Now, I want something again, and it doesn't look like I'm going to get it. This time, I think I'm moving into the numb stage right away, even though I haven't been denied the thing I want yet. I really don't want to do that, but I'm terrified of feeling that pain and loss again. Terrified. So, I feel kinda dead inside right now.
Breaking points also happen with me with people; friends, family, essentially anyone I love. I knew this before, but I didn't know what to call it until recently thinking about this whole breaking point idea. Before the breaking point, you care about a person more than is healthy. You would hand them the world if you could. Then, something happens and you snap. It hurts a lot more than simply losing an object, an experience, or an abstract idea. During a breaking point with a person, I have cried and screamed like a soul in complete and utter torment in the deepest circle of hell, saying basically (though in a lot more words) "Screw you, person. Screw you for breaking me." Then, it seals over like a grave, and numbness sets in.
It's a weird thing, though, because in the numb phase, the person still matters to you. But it's different. The feeling is muted significantly. The feeling is not gone irrevocably because sometimes it comes back, and it's like a tidal wave crashing on your life. Most of the time, however, it's like this: You're sitting in a room with lots of people you know. Some are acquaintances, some close friends, and some family. Your eye scans over the crowd and you see that one person. Your eye rests on them a little bit longer, because when you see them, you remember when that person was one of the most important people in your life. You remember the extreme joy that seeing their face brought to your day. You remember what it felt like to want to give the world to him or her. You remember these things, but these things don't happen now. All you feel is the normal, everyday compassion and care you feel for any of your friends. You look at them nostalgically for another moment and then your eyes move onto look at other people in the room. It's like that.
OK, that was cathartic. I'm so tired. I have to go to sleep now. I have a scholarship interview in the morning. So, goodnight.
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