My perspective, which is also my attempt to put things into perspective.

  I have so much going through my head right now. I'm really trying to put things into perspective and not over dramatize because it's not a play on a stage. Ugh. Ah. OK. Wow. What a week. Something that might clue you in to the type of week I had is that I used strong, angry, and frustrated profanity more this week that I have in my entire life. So yeah. It was not a pretty 5 days. In fact, most things about it were ugly, except one really, REALLY awesome thing that happened. If you want to know about that, ask me personally. Sadly, I'm much more reluctant to share my good news on Facebook than I am talk about bad stuff on Facebook. Anyway, this is a note saying how I feel after this crazy week, and in some ways, this crazy year too. My perspective:
       First of all, I feel happy. I just want to say how much I appreciate the concern and support some of my friends have shown me this week. They didn't tell me how I shouldn't be upset and how I should stop being sad. They just listened to me, were there for me to vent when I needed them, and told me things were gonna be ok. It made me happy to see that I had people in my life who cared about me enough to just let me feel what I feel and listen to me, whether or not they thought I was acting right or wrong or smart or stupid. That's really awesome. So thanks :)
      Second, I feel upset at myself. Until this week, I thought I didn't like to trust people. But I realized this week that I actually do, because I trust people way too easily. When I say I trust people easily, though, that's not entirely what I mean. I don't trust everyone I meet. In fact, I guard myself and keep most of my thoughts inside. I think what I mean is this: If I really want to trust a person, I will trust him or her, even if I know subconsciously they don't deserve my trust. I will say things I know I shouldn't, I will reveal more than I should, and I will mess stuff up, making things awkward and crazy because I decided to show too much of my soul to the wrong person, who never should have learned those things about me. That is my fault. No one else is to blame for that.
      Third, I feel betrayed. And I didn't want to feel that way again, ever. The last time I felt this bad was Sophomore year, when someone was going around calling me a prostitute because I wouldn't date him and  my best friend told me she didn't trust me.
      Fourth, I feel like I've been treated like trash, used then thrown out. I used to think it's be nice if people would talk behind my back for once because that might mean they actually were affected by my actions and I might feel important. I was wrong. Completely wrong. It hurts like hell. I also thought that if people wanted me to do things for them, that meant they needed me and cared about me. Wrong again. Most of the time, it means they're using me and can easily replace me when I'm no longer useful or they find me annoying, clingy, and boring. I don't think I'm any of these things, so it hurts to be treated like so. On a related note...
      Fifth, I feel confused. I don't understand what exactly I did, how my actions and things I said led to this week. I know what mistakes I made internally: expecting too much, trusting, caring too much, assuming too much, thinking too much. But, I don't understand how any of those mistakes were played out in my everyday life. I thought I acted somewhat normally most of the time. I'm also confused because a lot of things in my life went in a downhill direction so fast I couldn't even stop them, just reach after them screaming "NOOOOOO!" This has happened once a year since I entered high school. So, I don't know what God is planning for my life, but I hope it's good, because I hurt so bad right now.
      Sixth, I feel helpless. I'm in a situation and I can't fix it. I just have to sit and see what happens. Most of it is my fault. I want a reset button for this, starting from January. If I could redo that all over again, I would keep my mouth shut, care a little less, and enjoy what I have a lot more. It's not all my fault though. I think this might be about truth. I realized my definition of acceptable truth has changed since Sunday. It's not just "not telling a lie." It's telling the whole truth when someone asks for it or telling nothing at all. Half truths are lies too, because they can still conceal something important, something a person should know or should not know. It might also be about communication. I like to communicate with friends when I think they should know something about me, but I've realized that not everyone feels the same way.
     Seventh and finally, there really aren't adequate words to explain all I feel right now. Someone once told me that my strengths were my intelligence, caring a lot about other people, understanding others, and being determined. Well, these strengths turned out to be weaknesses in a way. Intelligence: I think too much. I over-analyze everything. Caring: I care too much. Understanding: I understand too much. I let people get away with treating me like dirt and still, I understand and forget the past, which gets me hurt. Determined: I was too determined. The person who told me my strengths also told me not restrict myself to being just the smart girl, to be more confident with dealing with other people, and to show people who I really am. Well, I tried to do that. I was determined to make my voice heard and reach for what I really wanted, showing the world that Liz Humphrey is not just a smart girl, but someone who feels, cares, wants, and lives. That didn't work out too well. I reached too far for what I wanted, I showed too much of who I really am, and I got hurt. So, can I click the reset button now and make everything good again? No, because that button doesn't exist. Can I go to sleep now? Yes. Yes, I can. That's my perspective tonight.

There are breaking points.

  This is basically just some scattered thoughts I had while on my cruise last week. It's now time to get them out of my brain because I have a little time to write. Sigh. Seeing parts of the world so radically different from home made me never want to come home again. Right now, I'm feeling dissatisfied with everything and out of place because the richness of the culture and diversity of the people in Europe and Africa appeared so much more beautiful and fascinating than in the US. I don't know whether it was just because it was a new experience, but I really, really want to go back there. Like, today. This moment. I felt at home in foreign countries. And I want to go see more of the world ASAP. (Confession: I'm not gonna lie, about a fifth of the reason for me wanting to go back is the quantity of attractive guys I saw in Spain).
         Though I feel a little discontented at home, I missed everyone A LOT while I was in foreign countries. I realized just how much my friends have infiltrated my life. I would look at things and think what they would be saying if they were with me. It was this weird sort of conversation I was having inside my head with people who weren't there. Kinda crazy, but true. My family got a little mad at me at the beginning of the trip because about half of my trains of thought would lead back to lines from plays, inside jokes that I couldn't share with my family, and other moments I remembered from times I shared with friends. I wish I could've brought everyone with me on the trip so I could really share everything with you guys, but the pictures I upload in about 6 weeks will have to do.
         I'm a creepy person. People who know me well know this. Well, my creepiness rose to new heights during this trip because it's much easier to eavesdrop on people they think you don't know their language. Yes, that's right. I spied on all the Spaniards I saw at the airport and on the plane home. And I grew strangely attached to them. I actually miss them a little because I liked their personalities. I gave them all very unoriginal nicknames. There was this one guy who looked like a professor. I called him "The Professor." The Professor, the "Bald Guy," the "Bald Guy's Shy Wife," and the "Businessman" were one group of people I eavesdropped on for two hours in the boarding pass line. They were making fun of American tourists with their shorts and cameras in Las Ramblas, the touristy area of Barcelona. They were also talking about the stock market at one point, I think. I'm not exactly sure. They spoke rapid fire Spanish.
         I also spied on The Pinker Tones, a band from Barcelona that happened to be on our flight, and also happened to sit near from us on the plane. One guy in particular from the band, Chris, sat right diagonally from me, and of course, he was the cutest one in the band. Needless to say, I took pictures of him, awake and asleep, and also took pictures of the book he was reading. (One chapter was titled "The Summer of Love"?)  I know-creepy. I also listened to the 20 minute conversation he and my dad had before we landed in New York. I really wish I could go to their concert in Chicago in two weeks, but unfortunately, it's on the opening night of my play. Sad. I wanted to see Chris again, and maybe actually meet him this time instead of stalking him. I feel bad for being so creepy, but hey, what else was I supposed to do while waiting in lines for 2 hours and then sitting on a plane for 9 hours? So, this is a public apology to the Pinker Tones and The Professor, the Bald Guy, the Bald Guy's Shy Wife, and the Businessman. I'm sorry for stalking you all.
       Now the actual semi-deep thoughts. Have you ever wanted something so much you shudder when you think about it? Chills run down your spine and you feel afraid and hopeful at the same time. Then you sigh because your entire being wants it so bad. I'm not talking about a person, necessarily. It could be an experience, an object, an abstract idea, or anything. but you want it. More than anything in the entire world. Now you don't get the thing you want and something snaps. Ugh. That is pain. That is loss. That hurts. This is the breaking point. After this point, something in you seals over with stone. You become numb. It doesn't matter because it hurts if it matters. Feeling numb, you move on, changed and scared to want anything so bad again. I went through this kind of thing this September. It was so bad. Now, I want something again, and it doesn't look like I'm going to get it. This time, I think I'm moving into the numb stage right away, even though I haven't been denied the thing I want yet. I really don't want to do that, but I'm terrified of feeling that pain and loss again. Terrified. So, I feel kinda dead inside right now.
       Breaking points also happen with me with people; friends, family, essentially anyone I love. I knew this before, but I didn't know what to call it until recently thinking about this whole breaking point idea. Before the breaking point, you care about a person more than is healthy. You would hand them the world if you could. Then, something happens and you snap. It hurts a lot more than simply losing an object, an experience, or an abstract idea. During a breaking point with a person, I have cried and screamed like a soul in complete and utter torment in the deepest circle of hell, saying basically (though in a lot more words) "Screw you, person. Screw you for breaking me." Then, it seals over like a grave, and numbness sets in.     
       It's a weird thing, though, because in the numb phase, the person still matters to you. But it's different. The feeling is muted significantly. The feeling is not gone irrevocably because sometimes it comes back, and it's like a tidal wave crashing on your life. Most of the time, however, it's like this: You're sitting in a room with lots of people you know. Some are acquaintances, some close friends, and some family. Your eye scans over the crowd and you see that one person. Your eye rests on them a little bit longer, because when you see them, you remember when that person was one of the most important people in your life. You remember the extreme joy that seeing their face brought to your day. You remember what it felt like to want to give the world to him or her. You remember these things, but these things don't happen now. All you feel is the normal, everyday compassion and care you feel for any of your friends. You look at them nostalgically for another moment and then your eyes move onto look at other people in the room. It's like that.
      OK, that was cathartic. I'm so tired. I have to go to sleep now. I have a scholarship interview in the morning. So, goodnight.