I have so much going through my head right now. I'm really trying to put things into perspective and not over dramatize because it's not a play on a stage. Ugh. Ah. OK. Wow. What a week. Something that might clue you in to the type of week I had is that I used strong, angry, and frustrated profanity more this week that I have in my entire life. So yeah. It was not a pretty 5 days. In fact, most things about it were ugly, except one really, REALLY awesome thing that happened. If you want to know about that, ask me personally. Sadly, I'm much more reluctant to share my good news on Facebook than I am talk about bad stuff on Facebook. Anyway, this is a note saying how I feel after this crazy week, and in some ways, this crazy year too. My perspective:
First of all, I feel happy. I just want to say how much I appreciate the concern and support some of my friends have shown me this week. They didn't tell me how I shouldn't be upset and how I should stop being sad. They just listened to me, were there for me to vent when I needed them, and told me things were gonna be ok. It made me happy to see that I had people in my life who cared about me enough to just let me feel what I feel and listen to me, whether or not they thought I was acting right or wrong or smart or stupid. That's really awesome. So thanks :)
Second, I feel upset at myself. Until this week, I thought I didn't like to trust people. But I realized this week that I actually do, because I trust people way too easily. When I say I trust people easily, though, that's not entirely what I mean. I don't trust everyone I meet. In fact, I guard myself and keep most of my thoughts inside. I think what I mean is this: If I really want to trust a person, I will trust him or her, even if I know subconsciously they don't deserve my trust. I will say things I know I shouldn't, I will reveal more than I should, and I will mess stuff up, making things awkward and crazy because I decided to show too much of my soul to the wrong person, who never should have learned those things about me. That is my fault. No one else is to blame for that.
Third, I feel betrayed. And I didn't want to feel that way again, ever. The last time I felt this bad was Sophomore year, when someone was going around calling me a prostitute because I wouldn't date him and my best friend told me she didn't trust me.
Fourth, I feel like I've been treated like trash, used then thrown out. I used to think it's be nice if people would talk behind my back for once because that might mean they actually were affected by my actions and I might feel important. I was wrong. Completely wrong. It hurts like hell. I also thought that if people wanted me to do things for them, that meant they needed me and cared about me. Wrong again. Most of the time, it means they're using me and can easily replace me when I'm no longer useful or they find me annoying, clingy, and boring. I don't think I'm any of these things, so it hurts to be treated like so. On a related note...
Fifth, I feel confused. I don't understand what exactly I did, how my actions and things I said led to this week. I know what mistakes I made internally: expecting too much, trusting, caring too much, assuming too much, thinking too much. But, I don't understand how any of those mistakes were played out in my everyday life. I thought I acted somewhat normally most of the time. I'm also confused because a lot of things in my life went in a downhill direction so fast I couldn't even stop them, just reach after them screaming "NOOOOOO!" This has happened once a year since I entered high school. So, I don't know what God is planning for my life, but I hope it's good, because I hurt so bad right now.
Sixth, I feel helpless. I'm in a situation and I can't fix it. I just have to sit and see what happens. Most of it is my fault. I want a reset button for this, starting from January. If I could redo that all over again, I would keep my mouth shut, care a little less, and enjoy what I have a lot more. It's not all my fault though. I think this might be about truth. I realized my definition of acceptable truth has changed since Sunday. It's not just "not telling a lie." It's telling the whole truth when someone asks for it or telling nothing at all. Half truths are lies too, because they can still conceal something important, something a person should know or should not know. It might also be about communication. I like to communicate with friends when I think they should know something about me, but I've realized that not everyone feels the same way.
Seventh and finally, there really aren't adequate words to explain all I feel right now. Someone once told me that my strengths were my intelligence, caring a lot about other people, understanding others, and being determined. Well, these strengths turned out to be weaknesses in a way. Intelligence: I think too much. I over-analyze everything. Caring: I care too much. Understanding: I understand too much. I let people get away with treating me like dirt and still, I understand and forget the past, which gets me hurt. Determined: I was too determined. The person who told me my strengths also told me not restrict myself to being just the smart girl, to be more confident with dealing with other people, and to show people who I really am. Well, I tried to do that. I was determined to make my voice heard and reach for what I really wanted, showing the world that Liz Humphrey is not just a smart girl, but someone who feels, cares, wants, and lives. That didn't work out too well. I reached too far for what I wanted, I showed too much of who I really am, and I got hurt. So, can I click the reset button now and make everything good again? No, because that button doesn't exist. Can I go to sleep now? Yes. Yes, I can. That's my perspective tonight.
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