So, I keep having dreams about the end of the world. Last night, it involved scary pumpkins and I think Indiana Jones was there too. Dreams are so weird. In the past week, I've dreamed about pottery classes on the fifth floor of Regis, helping Daniel Craig with his taxes, and sailing a ship down highway 90. Dreams make sleeping fun. I always feel a bit nutty when I wake up because of how random dreams my dreams are.
I feel insane because I'm trapped in this strange pattern of thought, ideas, and emotions. For the third year in a row, I'm following this pattern. And this time, I really, really should know better. I should change the way I think and I feel, and stubbornly resist this downward spiral that's gotten me nothing but angst and various other problems for two years. If I try the same process on the same problem twice and it doesn't work, my common sense says to stop in my tracks and try something different... but part of me still wants that spiral. It's comfortable. It's familiar. And it's nice for awhile. Ugh.
In some ways, I think I prefer dreams to reality. The farther away and less possible something is, the more I like it, want it and hope for it. Yet when the dream actually starts coming true, I freak out. I love the random dreams I have at night because they're impossible. But when they start becoming realistic and less random, I get scared and the dreams become nightmares. This applies to dreams I have for life too. The possibility of med school has sounded so nice for so long because it's been so far removed and because I've loved doctoring and healing since I can remember. Now, the idea of med school is soon entering the stage where I need to take steps to make it reality and I want to run screaming because it scares me now. Back to insanity, the pattern I've got myself into is a pattern of dreaming that's gotten me nowhere, but maybe I'm resisting it so much because I'm scared the third time will be the charm, that the pattern is getting me somewhere this time. it scares me to death, I don't know what to do, and I want to run screaming away.
This note is purposely vague. I don't want Facebook to know my thoughts. I just need to get this out of my head so I can make sense of it. And I think I have made sense of it. I just need to identify what exactly I want. And then I need to pray, listen to the Holy Spirit telling me what's right, and then do what I need to do. I should stop thinking about what's happened in the past because as someone reminded me recently, the past only exists in my mind. I also should forget any fear because as always, God's got me covered. I feel better now. Yay for catharsis on the Internet!
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