Pam Beesly Rant

Remember that old episode of the Office, maybe in season 3, where Pam walks over the coals then tells everyone exactly what she’s feeling, that she misses Jim and that she’s upset no one came to her art show, because she’s trying to be more honest? I wish I could do something like that. I don’t like telling people how I’m really feeling. I usually avoid real emotional discussion at all costs. Sure, I’ll listen to other people telling me their feelings,, and I’ll offer advice if I have it, but I really, really don’t like to talk to anyone about how I’m feeling, except for maybe my mom and dad, and even then they usually have to ask me how I’m feeling before I’ll tell them anything. The reasons for this are probably lame but they are reasons.

First, weird, awful things happen when I tell people how I feel. I’ve started crying, which makes everyone including me feel uncomfortable because I don’t cry in public, ever. Really close friendships have drifted apart because nothing could be the same when we knew what we really felt about each other. I’ve gotten strange looks from friends, usually pity looks, that “poor child” look. I don’t like these things, and so I don’t like telling people what I really feel about them or how I feel about life in general.

Second, few people actually validate my feelings and let me know that it’s ok to feel that way. They tell me where my thought process is messed up or how the person whose actions made me feel this way is an evil, rotten person with no soul, so I really shouldn’t feel angry or sad because it’s all just a figment of my wild imagination. Why is it not ok to feel sad or angry and just be that way? Just let me feel what I’m feeling, please, and don’t try to tell me where I messed up, because odds are, I already know it and that’s part of the reason why I feel angry or sad!

Third, if I share my feelings, there’s always that person who interrupts me, saying “I understand,” and then tells me a lengthy story about a similar experience happened to them and how they emerged stronger and better. Now, for others, that might be helpful, but for me, that just lets me know that they would rather talk about themselves then listen to me. I get that they might have felt what I’m feeling in the past, but I’m feeling it now. It’s not that I’m dismissing their input or advice or wisdom, but when I tell people what I’m feeling, I just need someone to listen to me, someone to say, “I’m here for you. Keep talking,” then afterwards, ask me if I’d like to hear their story. That’s a much more gentle way to share the wisdom.

Fourth and finally, I don’t share my feelings because no one asks. Like I said before, I will only tell my parents how I’m feeling if they ask, and the same goes for everyone else. Mostly, it’s my fault that no one asks because I don’t give them reason to. I think I put on a pretty good show because I don’t want anyone to ask, acting like a intelligent, emotionless, asexual robot, especially in school where academics rule my life. Sure, I might get competitive or riled up over a game in Spanish class or happy or upset about a Calculus grade, but my personal life rarely makes it to the classroom. I put on my school face then take it off as soon as I get on the bus. The same goes for church and anywhere else I go in public. I’m sneaky too because it’s not just as simple as asking me how I am. If someone asks ‘”How are you?” I don’t often say how I’m feeling. If I ever respond with “I’m good,” “I’m ok,” or “I’m fine,” I’m definitely not either of those things emotionally but I am physically! Oh, clever me :P For me to tell someone how I’m feeling, they have to ask how I’m feeling, not just how I am. That way, if I don’t tell them how I am emotionally, I will be lying, and I hate lying.

After writing this, I see that I’m a ridiculously complicated person with ridiculous expectations, but then, I guess everyone is in a different way. So, just in case anyone’s been wondering all these years if I were really just an intelligent, emotionless, asexual robot, I’m not. I’m a teenage girl who feels things, feels a lot of things, and who’s moderately good at acting. Moral of the story: if you’re ever curious to know how I’m feeling, or what I really feel about you, then please ask me, please listen, please don’t judge me, and please don’t act weird afterwards. This is my Pam Beesly rant for today :)