Tension

Yes, there is tension. It rules my life these days because it's always there. I feel tension. All the time. Like there's these ropes pulling on me in two thousand different directions. And these ropes come from literally every part of my life. I have to act in certain ways and not act in certain ways and not say things and say things and accomplish these tasks and be this person and be that person and do this and do that and do this and do that etc, etc, etc...if you've ever seen the Disney version of Cinderella, you remember that part where the mice start singing that song about how Cinderella is always being told what to do by her step mother and step sisters and how she's just running around in circles until she's dizzy. That is me.
      To be completely and totally honest, most this tension comes from me: my over analyzing, psychotic head plus my stupid, idiotic heart. I desire so much from life and I want to reach for the things I desire with all that I have. But the tensions arise when one of three things happen as a result of my determination to have what I want:
       1) I expect too much from myself and try to do more than I can handle. Thank God I've gotten significantly better at this over the years, but that doesn't mean it isn't still an issue. When I can't do all the things I thought I could do, that creates tension.
       2) I expect more from others than they can give and make ideal versions of them in my head. It's so, so very easy for me to start seeing people I love through rose colored glasses, and sometimes...no...LOTS of times, this gets me into trouble because then when they don't live up to my expectations, I feel tension. It's false tension, created by nothing other than illusions, but it's still tension.
       3) God says no to what I want. Grrr. Ugh. Argh. Hmph. There are some experiences I'm not allowed to have and some friendships that are supposed to die and some things I can't have. There are some doors God shuts and at the time, there seems to be no explanation. This creates the biggest tension of all. This tension caused me to have a complete emotional breakdown on a Friday evening last August when I was home alone. I'm sure the neighbors thought I was being murdered, and I guess, if I want to be overly metaphorical and cheesy, part of me was. I have dreams, and when God says no, they die. Permanently. Ugh.
      Other stuff causes tensions too. Not just my crazy self. There is family stuff and school stuff and drama stuff and friend stuff and church stuff and tons of sub categories in those categories, all combining with all the stuff from my crazy self to make me feel like a rubber band that's being stretched over someone's finger and is about to be shot across the room. Sometimes, like that rubber band, I do "shoot" myself at people, when I just need to say things to relieve the tension I feel, and then it gets awkward. At that point, even if I was being completely honest, even if everything I said is exactly what I feel, I usually regret saying the things I said. Relieving tension exposes your very soul or creates even more tension. Like this note is probably doing haha :) Sometimes I think that maybe I should just rein it in, not say things, not tell anyone anything and keep it all inside me. But then, wouldn't I explode? Isn't it harder and more tense never to tell anyone anything, never to say what I think, never tell others how I honestly feel and always try to hold it all in? I don't know the answer to that question, because I don't like either option.
    Anyways, my life is full of tensions. Everyone's is and I sometimes feel like mine are so insignificant, but they aren't really. Not to me. To me, these tensions are my life and I have to deal with them.  So, I pray, I write, and I occasionally say things I regret saying. That's how I deal with them, even if it's not the best way. Now, it's time for me to dream.

Because I Think About These Things

      Yes, it's true. I've been thinking a lot lately, probably because I'm in not in a show, I have Senioritis, and I'm scared of all the change that's coming. Honestly, many of these thought processes end up in depression or anger because I'm thinking about the past or the future. Yet, even though they make me feel these emotions, they are somewhat enlightening. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand some things about caring about people, or just friendships in general. Things that I didn't understand or didn't see that I knew subconsciously or should've realized long ago.
      First thing: Loving or really caring about people is freaking scary. In fact, it's the scariest thing in the world for me. When I care about someone, I begin to trust them because it's natural. I can't help but trust the people I care about. I trust them to care about me back, to treat me with respect, to not criticize me when I'm not around, and to be there for me. And trusting people with that stuff is scary. Paranoid people like me have a hard time with this. I start to trust my friends with my life and secrets then try to stop myself from trusting them because I think I'm gonna get hurt and that they will mock me behind my back and tell my secrets to everyone. I sabotage and second guess the friendships before I give them a chance. I need to stop doing that. Immediately.
       Another thing: When I care about someone, I begin expect he or she will never hurt me, but that's an unrealistic expectation. It's not unrealistic to expect my friends to treat me with respect and not back-stab me, but it is unrealistic to expect they will never do anything that hurts me. People are human. I know, that's a mind blowing statement haha, but it's so true. They have flaws, which means sometimes they will mess up and say mean things. Though that doesn't make it right, it explains why. Also, my friends have their own desires and they have their own lives. Therefore, their wants may not be mine. I may care about someone as a friend more than he or she cares about me as a friend. My friends might not want to spend  time with me like I want to spend time with them, tell me the kind of things I tell them,  or want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine. Though that kinda stinks for me sometimes, it's really ok. I can't expect people to change the way they act or give up their happiness and fun times for me. I know they care about me, and the strength of their caring doesn't matter as much as the fact that they care. I'm more happy about them caring then I'm sad about them not caring as much as I do.
     Third thing: I don't want my friends to be people who understand me. I want my friends to want to understand me. This was kinda my Facebook status yesterday, and I'm just beginning to realize how true this is. Though it's nice when my friends understand me (that makes everything less awkward haha), I would much rather they not understand my actions but then ask me why I did something, because then I see they actually care about how I act. In fact, if they ask, that means they care about me enough to verbalize what they don't understand about me. They actually want to know about me! That's kinda amazing. I'd like to think that this year, I've finally found the friends who not only understand me on most levels, but who want to understand me better, and that makes me so incredibly happy. I thank God for them every day.

SHS Theatre Kid Mannerisms and/or Common Phrases

Most of us do at least one if not more of these things. They identify us as a family. Be proud.

• "What?" -When someone says something awkward, if we say anything at all, it will most likely be a confused, laughing, and bewildered "what?"
• Head Scratch-When a situation, person, or phrase is deemed uncomfortable or, again, awkward, our instinct is to reach up and scratch our heads while giving a sideways glance to the person next to us, communicating our mutual discomfort. Usually, the awkward head scratch is following by one of us saying "Ummm" or some similar awkward noise such as the "What?"
• The Fist- When a person has done something that causes an issue, usually a funny or awkward issue, we shake our fists at them. It's not a typical fist shake because instead of the arm shaking the fist, the wrist shakes it in a wobbly fashion. This fist shake is sometimes accompanied by a joking "Darn you, ______."
• "Question Mark?" - We like to grandly and loudly announce our punctuation. Question mark? Exclamation point! Question mark, exclamation point?!
• The Looks-50% of all our conversation consists of looks: those meaning, knowing looks that communicate more than is possible or socially acceptable with words.
• Noises- Ugh. Oh. Hm. Ah. Growl. Sigh. Argh. Meow. Ruff. Rawr. jklasdfuop. uywerkla. snouset. At least 10% of all conversation consists of these and many more random noises.
• Strange Faces-Our faces are extremely expressive and versatile. There are limitless possibilities in regards to the amount and type of strange, communicative faces that we can make.
• Awkward, Strained Laughter- It's usually accompanied by a head scratch, a 'What?",  a look, or a noise.
• Hysterical Laughter-If you get us laughing, I mean, really REALLY laughing, getting us to calm down is not an easy task. In fact, it's nearly impossible.
• Weird Movements and Dances -Enough said. Warning: If you think it could be construed as sexual, it definitely will be. 
• "I feel..."- Used as the beginning or end of a sentence, similar to Yoda. And when we say it, we're usually not saying how we feel, it's most likely an opinion. 
• Judging-Something we all do very well, too well.
• Whispering into Someone's Ear to make Another Person Jealous or Uncomfortable-Yes. 
• Texting Across the Room and/or Table- Yeah.
• Awkward Hugs or Caresses-Yep.
• Breaking Into Song-More popular with some than others
• Excessive Sarcasm- Including but not limited to: complimenting someone excessively in a sarcastic tone, insulting someone excessively in a sarcastic tone, and glorifying yourself in a sarcastic tone.
• Complete Lack of Humility- Basically another way to say we're proud of ourselves.
• Emotional Issues- We are emotional beings. We care A LOT about everything, including each other :)

Why I haven't been able to speak for the past two days...

This week was probably the best week since Bio Boot Camp. I watched Schaumburg on Stage put on a great show in You're a Good Man Charlie Brown-In fact, I saw the show three times! It was so good. Congrats to the five of my friends who were in it :) You guys blew me away with what you did. But, that is not the subject of this note. The subject of this note is Jesus Culture, a three day conference I attended with my friend Cait from college and her youth group. Wow! I mean, really. WOW! It was spectacular for so many reasons. AHH! Just thinking about it right now makes me so happy! And I start laughing and smiling because God is good! While some of it was a bit strange and I'm not sure what to make of it, a lot of it was beautiful. If you haven't read this note I wrote previously, [http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150702194885083OK] then I would encourage you to read it now :) Anyway, this is probably going to be a just a short list of some of the awesome things that happened but if you really want to know more, please come and talk to me! I could talk about this forever! OK, list time:

1. Cait-I love her. I was describing her to my cousin yesterday, and I said that the beautiful thing about our relationship is not that we're interested in the same things or that we think the same way, but it's that we are completely on the same page spiritually. Completely. It was truly wonderful to spend three days with her, praying and talking and worshiping together. God has blessed me with her and I'm so glad I get to spend college with her!
2. Cait's Youth Group-I've never felt so loved and accepted by a group of people I didn't know at all. Cait told them about me, and they were instantly excited to meet me! As soon as I arrived, they literally flocked to me, telling me they'd heard a lot about me and couldn't wait to meet me. It was so uplifting and encouraging. I'm so sure that God will continue to work and see lives changed in their youth group if they just keep doing what they're doing: loving on everyone they meet.
3. The Worship-In a word...well...I really can't describe in one word, or two, or even twenty. Before I went on this conference, God told me clearly that during these three days, I was to worship Him in spirit and in truth. And oh boy, did I ever! 15,000 or more Christians all crying Jesus's name in one strong voice for an hour. And then do that 5 times in the span of three days. That's why I've lost my voice. I just spent too much time praising God! And I would do it again and again and again if I could! It was so glorious! God's name was truly lifted high. Wow :)
4. The Teaching-Jesus Culture is a revivalist conference and I'll admit, some things I heard said a few things I didn't quite agree with, BUT the Gospel was consistently preached. Almost every time someone got up on that platform to talk to us, it was about putting your faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and laying down one's life to follow Him. It was wonderful, to hear the truth of God spoken so many times. And that's one thing I gained from this: I want to know the truth of God and who He is, not how He is portrayed by the world. I want Him as He is.
5. The Prayer Time-I loved praying before I went to this conference, so it was fantastic to be able to pray and be alone with God in worship and then, during the teaching sessions to take my notes in prayer form. I love talking to my Lord, He who listens to everything I say and hears my heart. 
6. What I Learned-God desires all of me, which I already knew but it's something I need to keep learning my entire life. It I truly have a heart to see people come to know Jesus-Isaiah 62:1 is a verse God gave me. I will not be silent. The Holy Spirit in me is personalized to me, because I have a personal relationship with God. I need to keep building my secret history with God, spending time with Him and being quiet before Him. I love to worship God, because He's so good. I think I'm going to spend some time reading the Sermon on the Mount, because there's a ton of really good stuff in there. God is ready for me to go to college! Yay! It was really cool, because during the last worship session I was praying and telling Him that I'm sad and I'm not ready, and immediately, the response was, "Uh, I'm ready!" And I rejoiced and started laughing and crying! If He's ready, then of course I can be ready, even if it's sad and difficult to go! Haha! I'm smiling now. God's awesome.

Tons of other stuff went on during Jesus Culture and it's all so wonderful that I could go on and on, but I don't want to be up all night. The link at the bottom of this page is a clip someone recorded of the worship with Hillsong United if you want to check it out. That was the view pretty much from where I was sitting. It was so great.  Just thinking about it all makes me so filled with joy! Ahh! I know I'm weird, but I don't care :) Jesus loves you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2XPB_liWZY&feature=related

Grr...sick rant

If you've ever come across me when I'm sick, you know that I'm not myself at all. I'm either usually vicious or just completely zoned out. That's because while I'm sick, I'm not a human. I am living on my instincts in a primal state, where anyone who tries to approach me will be angrily yelled at, saracastically berated, or driven away by the force of my extreme apathy. The reason for this is that I hate being sick. Everything about being sick makes me so angry. I hate stuffed up and runny noses. I hate sore throats. I hate headaches and hurting ears. I hate eyes that feel like so swollen that they're gonna pop out of my head. I hate feeling useless and unproductive. I hate having to swallow tons of synthetic chemicals or homeopathic remedies my mother cooks in her teapot, both of which are supposed to make me feel better but never really do. I hate piles of tissues. I hate feeling useless and unproductive. I hate not being able to focus. I hate that even playing the piano, my favorite thing to do, is hard when I'm sick. I hate that I can't taste the lasangna I'm having for dinner. I hate lying in bed not able to sleep because I'm so uncomfortable because I'm sick. I hate being sick so much I make myself more sick by hating sickness so much. So, there are two possible manifestations of all this hate and rage. First, I could just show my anger and be mean to everyone. This usually happens when I'm really tired and sick or sick at an inconvenient time, which is usually all the time.  Second, I could just stop caring because I'm so mad and sit there in a daze. This only happens when I'm really, really sick. All this to say, when I'm sick, please forgive me. I know not what I do. In fact, after I'm done being sick, I will often look back on things I did and apologize, because I know that I was not myself. I had better get better tomorrow.