Yes, it's true. I've been thinking a lot lately, probably because I'm in not in a show, I have Senioritis, and I'm scared of all the change that's coming. Honestly, many of these thought processes end up in depression or anger because I'm thinking about the past or the future. Yet, even though they make me feel these emotions, they are somewhat enlightening. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand some things about caring about people, or just friendships in general. Things that I didn't understand or didn't see that I knew subconsciously or should've realized long ago.
First thing: Loving or really caring about people is freaking scary. In fact, it's the scariest thing in the world for me. When I care about someone, I begin to trust them because it's natural. I can't help but trust the people I care about. I trust them to care about me back, to treat me with respect, to not criticize me when I'm not around, and to be there for me. And trusting people with that stuff is scary. Paranoid people like me have a hard time with this. I start to trust my friends with my life and secrets then try to stop myself from trusting them because I think I'm gonna get hurt and that they will mock me behind my back and tell my secrets to everyone. I sabotage and second guess the friendships before I give them a chance. I need to stop doing that. Immediately.
Another thing: When I care about someone, I begin expect he or she will never hurt me, but that's an unrealistic expectation. It's not unrealistic to expect my friends to treat me with respect and not back-stab me, but it is unrealistic to expect they will never do anything that hurts me. People are human. I know, that's a mind blowing statement haha, but it's so true. They have flaws, which means sometimes they will mess up and say mean things. Though that doesn't make it right, it explains why. Also, my friends have their own desires and they have their own lives. Therefore, their wants may not be mine. I may care about someone as a friend more than he or she cares about me as a friend. My friends might not want to spend time with me like I want to spend time with them, tell me the kind of things I tell them, or want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine. Though that kinda stinks for me sometimes, it's really ok. I can't expect people to change the way they act or give up their happiness and fun times for me. I know they care about me, and the strength of their caring doesn't matter as much as the fact that they care. I'm more happy about them caring then I'm sad about them not caring as much as I do.
Third thing: I don't want my friends to be people who understand me. I want my friends to want to understand me. This was kinda my Facebook status yesterday, and I'm just beginning to realize how true this is. Though it's nice when my friends understand me (that makes everything less awkward haha), I would much rather they not understand my actions but then ask me why I did something, because then I see they actually care about how I act. In fact, if they ask, that means they care about me enough to verbalize what they don't understand about me. They actually want to know about me! That's kinda amazing. I'd like to think that this year, I've finally found the friends who not only understand me on most levels, but who want to understand me better, and that makes me so incredibly happy. I thank God for them every day.
No comments:
Post a Comment