Tension

Yes, there is tension. It rules my life these days because it's always there. I feel tension. All the time. Like there's these ropes pulling on me in two thousand different directions. And these ropes come from literally every part of my life. I have to act in certain ways and not act in certain ways and not say things and say things and accomplish these tasks and be this person and be that person and do this and do that and do this and do that etc, etc, etc...if you've ever seen the Disney version of Cinderella, you remember that part where the mice start singing that song about how Cinderella is always being told what to do by her step mother and step sisters and how she's just running around in circles until she's dizzy. That is me.
      To be completely and totally honest, most this tension comes from me: my over analyzing, psychotic head plus my stupid, idiotic heart. I desire so much from life and I want to reach for the things I desire with all that I have. But the tensions arise when one of three things happen as a result of my determination to have what I want:
       1) I expect too much from myself and try to do more than I can handle. Thank God I've gotten significantly better at this over the years, but that doesn't mean it isn't still an issue. When I can't do all the things I thought I could do, that creates tension.
       2) I expect more from others than they can give and make ideal versions of them in my head. It's so, so very easy for me to start seeing people I love through rose colored glasses, and sometimes...no...LOTS of times, this gets me into trouble because then when they don't live up to my expectations, I feel tension. It's false tension, created by nothing other than illusions, but it's still tension.
       3) God says no to what I want. Grrr. Ugh. Argh. Hmph. There are some experiences I'm not allowed to have and some friendships that are supposed to die and some things I can't have. There are some doors God shuts and at the time, there seems to be no explanation. This creates the biggest tension of all. This tension caused me to have a complete emotional breakdown on a Friday evening last August when I was home alone. I'm sure the neighbors thought I was being murdered, and I guess, if I want to be overly metaphorical and cheesy, part of me was. I have dreams, and when God says no, they die. Permanently. Ugh.
      Other stuff causes tensions too. Not just my crazy self. There is family stuff and school stuff and drama stuff and friend stuff and church stuff and tons of sub categories in those categories, all combining with all the stuff from my crazy self to make me feel like a rubber band that's being stretched over someone's finger and is about to be shot across the room. Sometimes, like that rubber band, I do "shoot" myself at people, when I just need to say things to relieve the tension I feel, and then it gets awkward. At that point, even if I was being completely honest, even if everything I said is exactly what I feel, I usually regret saying the things I said. Relieving tension exposes your very soul or creates even more tension. Like this note is probably doing haha :) Sometimes I think that maybe I should just rein it in, not say things, not tell anyone anything and keep it all inside me. But then, wouldn't I explode? Isn't it harder and more tense never to tell anyone anything, never to say what I think, never tell others how I honestly feel and always try to hold it all in? I don't know the answer to that question, because I don't like either option.
    Anyways, my life is full of tensions. Everyone's is and I sometimes feel like mine are so insignificant, but they aren't really. Not to me. To me, these tensions are my life and I have to deal with them.  So, I pray, I write, and I occasionally say things I regret saying. That's how I deal with them, even if it's not the best way. Now, it's time for me to dream.