I don't have my emotions under control this week, and I can't decide if that's a good or bad or neutral thing. One more week and I'll be done with everything about high school. Literally everything. Monday: No School. Tuesday: Last projects due. Wednesday: Thespian Induction. Thursday: Senior Picnic. Friday: Graduation Practice, Senior Brunch, Pixies. Saturday: Relax. Sunday: Graduate. Done. Close that chapter in my life. The End. Ugh. That sounds so dramatic but it's how I feel. Something good is ending. Yes, I know college will be better and lots of fun and I've wanted to be done for so long, and I'm ready to be done and move on with life...but I'm still incredibly, incredibly sad that it's going to be over.
If I'm forced to be completely honest with myself, I will admit that sometimes, I liked being in high school. I liked the familiarity of it all, the fact that I saw the same people every day. I'm going to miss seeing people who've been in my classes all four years, (the "AP" kids), not because I'm close with them, but because they were always there. I got used to their personalities, and I got used to working with them, learning with them, and complaining about the amount of homework we all had or the stupidity of certain teachers. And of course, we did all have some good times together over the last four years, even if it was stressful. So, I will miss the academic side of high school a little. And I will miss my classmates a little. But I'll get over it quickly.
However, I will not miss SHS Theatre a little. I will miss it so much, that for awhile, I think it might feel like I'm missing oxygen, food, or water. This week is all about preparing for Pixies, our awards ceremony, and it's the last thing I and the rest of the Seniors get to do for the program before we leave. Pixies preparation is filled with anxiety and panic attacks because we want our last thing to be good...because this is it for us and SHS Theatre. And whenever I think about that for too long, I tear up. Like right now :( Why will I miss it so much? Because it was not just an extracurricular activity for me. For me and some of the people involved in it, it was a family. I've tried to explain it to people who aren't in theatre, and they can't really understand it, but acting brings people together in a way that nothing else can. When you act with someone, something magic happens. I don't know whether it's because the intensity of rehearsals, the long duration of rehearsals, or just because acting is strange this way, but you become bonded together on an different level. I can't figure out whether it's an emotional level or mental level or combination of both, but whatever it is, it's powerful. And that bond only intensifies as you act with the same people over time. My best friends are people who have acted with me in multiple shows. I've only known them for four years or less, yet they are the closest friends I've ever made, closer than people I've known since birth. They are my family.
It's not only acting that makes me and my best friends family, though. I think that just happens to be a common denominator that formed the foundation. The acting bond can only go so far, even though it's pretty strong. What else makes us family? The first thing is love. Yes, we love, support, and care about each other. Theatre family, we don't always say it, we don't always feel it, and we don't always show it, But, in the times that we're all laughing or crying, we know it's true. Even the times when we're fighting amongst ourselves, the only reason any of that happens is because we care about each other and think something will get in the way of the family togetherness. That ties into the second thing.
Second, we have a need to be together, almost like a need for a drug. It's as if we all got addicted to being together during plays and that just translated into being together as much as possible at any time of day. It's also like we're all misers, the way we guard our friends and treasure time with them. And we don't like it when changes happen to mess things up. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer when I might not see a member of my theatre family every day, and during college, when I might not see anyone for months at a time. Just thinking about it makes my heart kinda twinge, like it's anticipating something being torn out of it. ugh. dramatic again, but true. I know the family won't go away because I'm separated from them, but it won't be the same again. It happened with the Seniors who left before me, and now it's gonna happen with me. Sad.
Third, we are family because we lie to each other, we fight, we talk about each other meanly, we hide things from each other, we sabotage each other, we all don't completely trust every member of the family, yet somehow, we stay together. If we were just an ordinary group of friends, I've pretty sure we would have given up a LONG time ago. I got in one argument with a non theatre friend I had Sophomore year and it ruined our friendship. People in the theatre family get in multiple arguments a week and still be the best friends in the world. In just this year alone, tons of dramatic, angst ridden events have occurred, and we've all changed in some way, yet we still do the same kind of things with each other as we always have. We watch movies, hang out at each others house's, go out to dinner, talk about life, smile, laugh, and all the while, at least one member of the family is angry with another member. There is always a conflict, and even if it seems like it will tear us apart, it never does. It's the weirdest thing, but I think it proves we're a family. What normal group of friends would put up with so much fighting and drama? The only other group of people I know that does this is my flesh and blood family.
Fourth, we are family because we've all started to act the same, coming from the same background in theatre and spending time with each other. We are a cohesive unit of inside jokes, quirky mannerisms, and common sayings. For more on this, see my note about SHS Theatre Kid Mannerisms. It's hard to believe but watch us for an hour, and you'll quickly see how true it is. We even move like each other and speak like each other. So weird and wonderful.
I think that's all the reasons I have: love, need to be with each other, willingness to stay together no matter what, and the fact that we act like each other. I think there's moments when we even look like each other, like when we make similar facial expressions. I swear there's been moments where I see graduated Seniors in the faces of my friends, and for an instant, they're back again. There's also pictures of me and my friends where we literally look related. There's a group of us girls who are all blonde, so when we take pictures, we look like sisters. And we are, in a very real way.
There's probably be other notes, ranting like this about how much I love my theatre family and how I feel so connected to them and how it's killing me to leave them and all that cliche stuff. The sthing about cliches, though, is that they're usually the truest things that people feel. This wouldn't be cliche if no one had even felt this or said things like this before. So, I think it's right. And we're a family. And these are my thoughts.
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