WARNING: This is not organized at all. Enter the maze if you dare.
So, there are complicating things. But then someone could be complicating things. Weird. That's what I'm thinking about as I write this.
I don't know. It's interesting, how life goes in circles. I can get everything I ever wanted in a year and still feel as dissatisfied as I did when it began. I guess it just proves that getting stuff doesn't satisfy for long, even if it's the most amazing stuff in the world and that only God can really satisfy my heart that wants so much all the time. College. Really? Am I that old? Yeah, I know 18 is not old at all, but still. College? I don't believe that's even happening. Graduation party's in two days, and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. Well, that's not really honest, because I am. I like having people over and making them feel welcome in my house. I'm just concerned that I'll be overwhelmed by everyone being there. God give me strength. I'm worried about compromising myself and everything I believe. I used to judge people who went through Senior year and then went to college and changed throughout it. I don't judge anymore, because now, I see why they changed. This year I've changed so much, for the better mostly but also for the worse. I never used to swear, ever. I never even contemplated doing some of the things that I've thought about doing. Don't worry, everyone. I haven't done anything. But just thinking about things is too close to doing them. and I've yelled at myself. "LIZ, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? STOP!" It shows how powerful the world is, if you let it change the way you think about yourself and people around you. I'm not so sure how I let it, but I did. I think if I'd spent more time actually with God and in the Bible instead of constant praying (though that wasn't bad) this year, I might not feel so changed. This summer, along with my SSSP, I'm going to use my spare time to get back to my foundation, to what I really believe.
My mom brought up something to me the other day, and it's that my faith is not gone, it's just more mature, different. I think I used to see my relationship with God as something that was separate from my every day life. This was subconscious, but still true. I never really had to apply any of the lessons I was learning in church to school or relationships. High school taught me that my faith has to be an every day application. Everything is a spiritual battle, and Satan is always trying to get me stumble and let him win a round or two. Yep. He's evil. And I'm sad to say, I've let him win quite a few this year. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd say that people might meet me and not realize that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. That just shows you my pride. I look at my life right now, and I'm not sure people meeting me, or even my friends, would realize that I have very clear values and standards that set me apart, that I believe in Jesus and I'm trying to live my life for Him. Now, I'm wondering if I only claim to have those values but really, I'm just living for myself. I think that's a pretty good explanation of how I lived this year. I lived for myself, for a lot of it. I did what made me feel good, and that's not bad necessarily, but I did leave my time with God out of most of that. My goal this summer to to keep having the time of my life, but add God back into the equation, where He should have been the whole time, and try to live in a way that is not judgmental or proud, but that still sets me apart.
Why does sincere love make people uncomfortable and uneasy? Why is powerful, emotional, and unconditional love always regarded as romantic? Why do you take the person who loves you unconditionally for granted? Why does honest love make things difficult sometimes? I see these questions in my relationships. In other people's relationships. I've had a hard time with this the past two years. And I know I can't blame other people for getting confused when I've been confused this year too. And I've made other people confused with my confusion. But, I've tried to fix mistakes I've made, and I know I can't change the past so I've moved on. One thing I think I can say for certain is that I don't think I ever completely changed how I've treated someone based on my changing feelings for them. I am, for the most part, consistently myself. And I will continue to be myself always.
Part of me is the way I love. For those of you who don't know, I love deeply and irrevocably. That's just who I am. Once I really love you and let you into my heart, that's it. You're part of me. The end. It doesn't matter if the person I love returns it, or actually, if I even like to be around the person I love all the time. Claire Light is an example, and I know she won't mind me using her as an example because she knows this is true. Sometimes, I can't stand her. But we've been through too much together in the past 6 years and been there for each other in the weirdest times, so I love her. Another example is my childhood friends. I don't even talk to most of them any more, yet part of me still cares about them a lot. I'm always a little sad when I see them and realize that we've grown apart. Sometimes, I'll close my eyes and remember the fun times we had, maybe I'll pretend I'm going to go outside and play cops and robbers by moonlight or baseball in my neighbors side yard. Because I loved them, I'll always care about my childhood friends and fondly remember the best of them. That's it. And then, there's my theatre friends. Same thing for all of you. I love you, and that's it. And some of you, I love you so much that you're probably stuck knowing me for the rest of your lives. I would apologize, but I don't think I should have to apologize for giving you a piece of me forever. And I hope it makes you feel good, knowing that I'd be there for you if you needed me for the rest of your life. I expect nothing in return, because I know that the way I love isn't always considered normal. it's kinda crazy actually.
And I am crazy. That's a fact. And I am eternally grateful to people like my parents, brothers, and theatre family who put up with that craziness all the time and don't mind too much. I am always stressed or worried about something, and that often expresses itself in backlash toward others, and then I hurt them. I would not EVER intentionally hurt someone I loved. Ever. I feel so consumed with guilt after I truly hurt someone that I almost can't function for awhile and then get lost in self pity and trying to make things the way they were before I screwed things up. Same thing goes when I say something and make things complicated. I get so upset at myself that I can't function, and I spend days, hours, months trying to bring things back to a pre-saying something level where things were better. I wonder sometimes what is better. Letting words burn me up inside and consuming me, or saying them and then letting the aftermath burn me up and consume me. I wonder. I complicate things. All the time. And then my life is full of complicating things as a result. I have so, so much more that I'm thinking about and not saying, and saying and not really thinking about as I say it. I wish I was back in school, I'm glad I'm not, I wish college would start, I glad it's not yet. Sigh. I'm going to go read a book.
So, there are complicating things. But then someone could be complicating things. Weird. That's what I'm thinking about as I write this.
I don't know. It's interesting, how life goes in circles. I can get everything I ever wanted in a year and still feel as dissatisfied as I did when it began. I guess it just proves that getting stuff doesn't satisfy for long, even if it's the most amazing stuff in the world and that only God can really satisfy my heart that wants so much all the time. College. Really? Am I that old? Yeah, I know 18 is not old at all, but still. College? I don't believe that's even happening. Graduation party's in two days, and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. Well, that's not really honest, because I am. I like having people over and making them feel welcome in my house. I'm just concerned that I'll be overwhelmed by everyone being there. God give me strength. I'm worried about compromising myself and everything I believe. I used to judge people who went through Senior year and then went to college and changed throughout it. I don't judge anymore, because now, I see why they changed. This year I've changed so much, for the better mostly but also for the worse. I never used to swear, ever. I never even contemplated doing some of the things that I've thought about doing. Don't worry, everyone. I haven't done anything. But just thinking about things is too close to doing them. and I've yelled at myself. "LIZ, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? STOP!" It shows how powerful the world is, if you let it change the way you think about yourself and people around you. I'm not so sure how I let it, but I did. I think if I'd spent more time actually with God and in the Bible instead of constant praying (though that wasn't bad) this year, I might not feel so changed. This summer, along with my SSSP, I'm going to use my spare time to get back to my foundation, to what I really believe.
My mom brought up something to me the other day, and it's that my faith is not gone, it's just more mature, different. I think I used to see my relationship with God as something that was separate from my every day life. This was subconscious, but still true. I never really had to apply any of the lessons I was learning in church to school or relationships. High school taught me that my faith has to be an every day application. Everything is a spiritual battle, and Satan is always trying to get me stumble and let him win a round or two. Yep. He's evil. And I'm sad to say, I've let him win quite a few this year. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd say that people might meet me and not realize that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. That just shows you my pride. I look at my life right now, and I'm not sure people meeting me, or even my friends, would realize that I have very clear values and standards that set me apart, that I believe in Jesus and I'm trying to live my life for Him. Now, I'm wondering if I only claim to have those values but really, I'm just living for myself. I think that's a pretty good explanation of how I lived this year. I lived for myself, for a lot of it. I did what made me feel good, and that's not bad necessarily, but I did leave my time with God out of most of that. My goal this summer to to keep having the time of my life, but add God back into the equation, where He should have been the whole time, and try to live in a way that is not judgmental or proud, but that still sets me apart.
Why does sincere love make people uncomfortable and uneasy? Why is powerful, emotional, and unconditional love always regarded as romantic? Why do you take the person who loves you unconditionally for granted? Why does honest love make things difficult sometimes? I see these questions in my relationships. In other people's relationships. I've had a hard time with this the past two years. And I know I can't blame other people for getting confused when I've been confused this year too. And I've made other people confused with my confusion. But, I've tried to fix mistakes I've made, and I know I can't change the past so I've moved on. One thing I think I can say for certain is that I don't think I ever completely changed how I've treated someone based on my changing feelings for them. I am, for the most part, consistently myself. And I will continue to be myself always.
Part of me is the way I love. For those of you who don't know, I love deeply and irrevocably. That's just who I am. Once I really love you and let you into my heart, that's it. You're part of me. The end. It doesn't matter if the person I love returns it, or actually, if I even like to be around the person I love all the time. Claire Light is an example, and I know she won't mind me using her as an example because she knows this is true. Sometimes, I can't stand her. But we've been through too much together in the past 6 years and been there for each other in the weirdest times, so I love her. Another example is my childhood friends. I don't even talk to most of them any more, yet part of me still cares about them a lot. I'm always a little sad when I see them and realize that we've grown apart. Sometimes, I'll close my eyes and remember the fun times we had, maybe I'll pretend I'm going to go outside and play cops and robbers by moonlight or baseball in my neighbors side yard. Because I loved them, I'll always care about my childhood friends and fondly remember the best of them. That's it. And then, there's my theatre friends. Same thing for all of you. I love you, and that's it. And some of you, I love you so much that you're probably stuck knowing me for the rest of your lives. I would apologize, but I don't think I should have to apologize for giving you a piece of me forever. And I hope it makes you feel good, knowing that I'd be there for you if you needed me for the rest of your life. I expect nothing in return, because I know that the way I love isn't always considered normal. it's kinda crazy actually.
And I am crazy. That's a fact. And I am eternally grateful to people like my parents, brothers, and theatre family who put up with that craziness all the time and don't mind too much. I am always stressed or worried about something, and that often expresses itself in backlash toward others, and then I hurt them. I would not EVER intentionally hurt someone I loved. Ever. I feel so consumed with guilt after I truly hurt someone that I almost can't function for awhile and then get lost in self pity and trying to make things the way they were before I screwed things up. Same thing goes when I say something and make things complicated. I get so upset at myself that I can't function, and I spend days, hours, months trying to bring things back to a pre-saying something level where things were better. I wonder sometimes what is better. Letting words burn me up inside and consuming me, or saying them and then letting the aftermath burn me up and consume me. I wonder. I complicate things. All the time. And then my life is full of complicating things as a result. I have so, so much more that I'm thinking about and not saying, and saying and not really thinking about as I say it. I wish I was back in school, I'm glad I'm not, I wish college would start, I glad it's not yet. Sigh. I'm going to go read a book.
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