20 Dollar Bills and other things I've seen today

I see things every day, and, since my imagination is crazy, I often romanticize or think about them a lot. So these are things I've seen today and thoughts I have about them. Like the possibilities in the $20 bill sitting on my desk. Received as a late graduation present in the mail, it's a new 20, crisp and colorful. I could put it in the bank and save it, or leave it on my desk and use it on a whim the next I want to go to lunch or to the latest action movie. I love action movies. I want to see Super 8. I've heard it's good. Knowing me, though, I'll probably wait until it comes out on DVD.
            I see things on my bike ride each morning. The same houses. Same streets. I saw the mailman today. He delivers the mail pretty early in the morning. I thought the mail was an afternoon thing, but no, he starts delivering mail in our neighborhood at 9:30 or before. I think he recognizes me now, considering I've seen him nearly every morning since school got out a month ago. One of these days I'll wave to him.
             I saw six different people walking their dogs. People look like their dogs after awhile. It's too true. I saw a guy running with his child in a stroller. That kind of exercise seems fun, for the kid at least. You're moving pretty fast, sitting in the stroller, while your dad runs. A theme park ride, almost.
          I saw an old woman in a bright pink nightgown watering her plants. The nightgown reminded me of the one I wore as Doris McAfee in Bye Bye Birdie. That was a fun show. I don't think I enjoyed the role and the people I was acting with as much as I should have during that show.
           I saw three different men from the Village of Schaumburg sanding down the rough edges of the sidewalks with screeching tools and an air compressor. I was scared a bit of cement was going to fly off and hit me in the face, so every time I passed one of those guys I closed my eyes and ducked my head.
           I saw an old man watching as another man cut down a tree in his front yard. He looked sad, so I made up a story about him and that tree. It was a rotting tree that he refused to cut down because his late wife loved the tree, but his 3 adult kids were scared that the tree was going to fall on his house, so they all pitched in money hire a contractor to cut the tree down without telling him. He wonders which kid thought of the idea, and admires him or her for being stubborn enough to do that. Stubborn like him. He's sad though, and he's thinking of asking the contractor for a piece of the tree. He might put it by the fireplace, on the mantlepiece. He thinks his wife would've liked that idea. She was sentimental, romantic, and loved flowers and trees and growing things. She had a beautiful garden before she got sick. And she loved that tree, so he never wanted that tree cut down. But, it was probably time, so he sits there watching and thinking of his wife.
         I saw the movie Beastly. Alex Pettyfer is gorgeous even with weird tattoo/ piercings.  I want one haha :)
        I saw my scrapbook from theatre at SHS. I look at it once a day pretty much. I like looking at those pictures of me. It's weird, but looking at me onstage, I almost kinda think, that maybe, perhaps I am all that my parents keep telling me I am. They tell me that uselessly though. I have a hard time believing that I'm anything. I don't think I'm anything. Really. I am pretty much a nobody to myself.
       I saw thank you notes. Lots of them. I actually liked writing them though. I like telling people that I love them and appreciate them. I want to make other people feel good about themselves. I try to do that. I'm pretty bad at doing that with my family, because I take them for granted. Maybe it'll be good for me to go away. I won't take them for granted anymore.
        I saw random quotes. I like StumbleUpon, and I use it whenever I'm bored or just want to procrastinate. it took me to a website of random quotes. One of them was about proving yourself to others. I don't remember what it said, but the proving yourself idea stuck with me. I don't think I should have to prove anything to anybody. I can prove myself to myself, but really, no one should have to prove anything. Not if there's trust or respect involved. If I say no, I mean no. Yes, I mean yes. And people might think I'm a bunch of bull, but I shouldn't have to prove myself. As long as I can be honest with myself and know when I'm really a bunch of bull haha :) I'm talking about proving myself as a person, not in the professional world. I'm scared about college and the future because I know I'll be expected to prove my skill everywhere I go. More will be expected of me. I'll have more to prove. But that's a different kind of proof.
        I saw letters, letters I've written I won't send. I saw my anger. I don't hate many things in life, but I do really hate anger. I have this thing where I want everyone to love me, and I want to love them too, so when I'm angry or I feel any kind of tension, there is no limit to how far I will go to fix it. Really. Most times, the tension or reason for me being angry is all in my head anyway, so usually I just go to sleep and I wake up and I'm not angry or tense anymore! It's like magic haha! Another thing I do is I write letters, letters no one but me will EVER see, but therapy all the same, because I'm getting words on paper and saying things without saying them. It's kinda a perfect arrangement, unless I think about it too much, and realize that I'm just writing to no one, but I try not to think too hard about that...
      I saw the cover of my Yo-Yo Ma CD that I got for graduation. It's a collaborative album, Yo-Yo and Ennio Morricone. If you don't know who that is, I suggest brushing up on your film music history. It's so fantastic. So dramatic and beautiful.
       I saw gum wrappers. I'm really bad at throwing away gum wrappers. And sticking my leftover gum in them, and still not throwing them away. It's my one really gross habit. I think I'm just too lazy to get up and throw it away, so when I clean my desk, there's usually 50 gum wrappers being thrown away at one time.
        Finally, I saw my piano. I love my piano. I love it so much. I spend as much time with it as I do my family, my friends. Hours of me just creating music and playing music I love on the piano. It's my soul instrument. I think that when I play my piano, I'm showing people myself. That's why I get really nervous playing songs I've written in front of people or having them listen to them, because what I'm really showing  is a bit of my real thought and feeling in music form. It's the purest form of me you'll ever see, me playing the piano or listening to me play one of my songs. So, if you've head one of my songs or seen me play the piano, you've pretty much seen me without any emotion hidden, any pretense. That's scary for me. People seeing who I really am. Only a few of my friends know who I really am. I can think of maybe 4 outside of my close family. When I stop to think about that,  I feel really, REALLY vulnerable around them. But, that's the price for closeness, I guess. Trusting people enough to let them see you and then trust them not to hurt what they see or hate what they see.

Compromised

Nothing organized, just me thinking on Facebook. I really like the song Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine. I wasn't a fan of Florence and the Machine before I heard the song, and I'm not really that much of a fan now, but I like the song. That's the way I am with music, or at least, music that isn't a score to a movie. When it comes to movie score composers, I have clear favorites-Alexandre Desplat, John Williams, Hans Zimmer etc. I wish movie score composers would tour with their music like bands. But anyway, I rarely like the artists themselves when it comes to music. I don't own many full albums because I like very few bands completely. I might like 3 or 4 of their songs, but only those 3 or 4. Not whole albums. There are a few exceptions, but only a few. I think it's because I know what's good music in my mind, and if it's not good, I won't like it all and I won't want to buy it. Regardless of how much I like the band.
       That said, I love discovering new music. If you ever want to go indie music hunting, Amazon.com has a GREAT thing called "Free Songs and Special Deals" on their MP3 Downloads page. You usually have to dig throuhg a bunch of junk to find good stuff, but when you find something good, it's usually really good.  I've found some awesome music that way. And just because it's  "indie music" does not mean it's not worth listening to. Yesterday I discovered a band called Badly Drawn Boy from a free download, and I ended up going to iTunes and buying 3 more of their songs. So awesome :) I love when that happens. They also have free classical music sometimes, free jazz, etc. I never know what I'm going to find. so check that out.
      I'm discovering something about myself. If you ever want to really, truly know what I think about an issue or something that I won't discuss openly, talk to me right before I'm about to go to bed.  Right before I go to bed, my brain is going a mile a minute thinking about everything in my life. Seriously, I go over EVERYTHING you can possibly imagine in my head before I go to bed, from if I liked the food I ate today to major stuff. So, if you were to ask me a question right then, I would probably answer honestly because it's right on my mind. And also, before I go to bed, at that point I'm too tired to keep up any facade I may attempt keep up during the day. Everything is to your advantage if you desperately want to know something then haha. This has definitely gotten me into trouble in the past, like, the VERY recent past. I've sent text messages I regret the next morning, and I've had conversations that I don't remember when I wake up. My brain's funny that way. It is so focused on just a few things during the day that once it gets to bedtime, it just lets all the thoughts rush in and I get confused and somewhat crazy. So there you go. Take advantage of those 5 minutes to three hours while I'm laying in my bed to know what I really think about you or anyone because I'm pretty much compromised during that time haha :) Gotta stop writing. Got stuff to do! Always something to do...

Complicating Things

WARNING: This is not organized at all. Enter the maze if you dare.

      So, there are complicating things. But then someone could be complicating things. Weird. That's what I'm thinking about as I write this.
      I don't know. It's interesting, how life goes in circles. I can get everything I ever wanted in a year and still feel as dissatisfied as I did when it began. I guess it just proves that getting stuff doesn't satisfy for long, even if it's the most amazing stuff in the world and that only God can really satisfy my heart that wants so much all the time. College. Really? Am I that old? Yeah, I know 18 is not old at all, but still. College? I don't believe that's even happening. Graduation party's in two days, and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. Well, that's not really honest, because I am. I like having people over and making them feel welcome in my house. I'm just concerned that I'll be overwhelmed by everyone being there. God give me strength. I'm worried about compromising myself and everything I believe. I used to judge people who went through Senior year and then went to college and changed throughout it. I don't judge anymore, because now, I see why they changed. This year I've changed so much, for the better mostly but also for the worse. I never used to swear, ever. I never even contemplated doing some of the things that I've thought about doing. Don't worry, everyone. I haven't done anything. But just thinking about things is too close to doing them. and I've yelled at myself. "LIZ, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? STOP!" It shows how powerful the world is, if you let it change the way you think about yourself and people around you. I'm not so sure how I let it, but I did. I think if I'd spent more time actually with God and in the Bible instead of constant praying (though that wasn't bad) this year, I might not feel so changed. This summer, along with my SSSP, I'm going to use my spare time to get back to my foundation, to what I really believe.
          My mom brought up something to me the other day, and it's that my faith is not gone, it's just more mature, different. I think I used to see my relationship with God as something that was separate from my every day life. This was subconscious, but still true. I never really had to apply any of the lessons I was learning in church to school or relationships. High school taught me that my faith has to be an every day application. Everything is a spiritual battle, and Satan is always trying to get me stumble and let him win a round or two. Yep. He's evil. And I'm sad to say, I've let him win quite a few this year. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd say that people might meet me and not realize that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. That just shows you my pride. I look at my life right now, and I'm not sure people meeting me, or even my friends, would realize that I have very clear values and standards that set me apart, that I believe in Jesus and I'm trying to live my life for Him. Now, I'm wondering if I only claim to have those values but really, I'm just living for myself. I think that's a pretty good explanation of how I lived this year. I lived for myself, for a lot of it. I did what made me feel good, and that's not bad necessarily, but I did leave my time with God out of most of that. My goal this summer to to keep having the time of my life, but add God back into the equation, where He should have been the whole time, and try to live in a way that is not judgmental or proud, but that still sets me apart.
        Why does sincere love make people uncomfortable and uneasy? Why is powerful, emotional, and unconditional love always regarded as romantic? Why do you take the person who loves you unconditionally for granted? Why does honest love make things difficult sometimes? I see these questions in my relationships. In other people's relationships.  I've had a hard time with this the past two years. And I know I can't blame other people for getting confused when I've been confused this year too. And I've made other people confused with my confusion. But, I've tried to fix mistakes I've made, and I know I can't change the past so I've moved on. One thing I think I can say for certain is that I don't think I ever completely changed how I've treated someone based on my changing feelings for them. I am, for the most part, consistently myself. And I will continue to be myself always.
         Part of me is the way I love. For those of you who don't know, I love deeply and irrevocably. That's just who I am. Once I really love you and let you into my heart, that's it. You're part of me. The end. It doesn't matter if the person I love returns it, or actually, if I even like to be around the person I love all the time. Claire Light is an example, and I know she won't mind me using her as an example because she knows this is true. Sometimes, I can't stand her. But we've been through too much together in the past 6 years and been there for each other in the weirdest times, so I love her. Another example is my childhood friends. I don't even talk to most of them any more, yet part of me still cares about them a lot. I'm always a little sad when I see them and realize that we've grown apart. Sometimes, I'll close my eyes and remember the fun times we had, maybe I'll pretend I'm going to go outside and play cops and robbers by moonlight or baseball in my neighbors side yard. Because I loved them, I'll always care about my childhood friends and fondly remember the best of them. That's it. And then, there's my theatre friends. Same thing for all of you. I love you, and that's it. And some of you, I love you so much that you're probably stuck knowing me for the rest of your lives. I would apologize, but I don't think I should have to apologize for giving you a piece of me forever. And I hope it makes you feel good, knowing that I'd be there for you if you needed me for the rest of your life. I expect nothing in return, because I know that the way I love isn't always considered normal. it's kinda crazy actually.
     And  I am crazy. That's a fact. And I am eternally grateful to people like my parents, brothers, and theatre family who put up with that craziness all the time and don't mind too much. I am always stressed or worried about something, and that often expresses itself in backlash toward others, and then I hurt them. I would not EVER intentionally hurt someone I loved. Ever. I feel so consumed with guilt after I truly hurt someone that I almost can't function for awhile and then get lost in self pity and trying to make things the way they were before I screwed things up. Same thing goes when I say something and make things complicated. I get so upset at myself that I can't function, and I spend days, hours, months trying to bring things back to a pre-saying something level where things were better. I wonder sometimes what is better. Letting words burn me up inside and consuming me, or saying them and then letting the aftermath burn me up and consume me. I wonder. I complicate things. All the time. And then my life is full of complicating things as a result. I have so, so much more that I'm thinking about and not saying, and saying and not really thinking about as I say it. I wish I was back in school, I'm glad I'm not, I wish college would start, I glad it's not yet. Sigh. I'm going to go read a book.