I see things every day, and, since my imagination is crazy, I often romanticize or think about them a lot. So these are things I've seen today and thoughts I have about them. Like the possibilities in the $20 bill sitting on my desk. Received as a late graduation present in the mail, it's a new 20, crisp and colorful. I could put it in the bank and save it, or leave it on my desk and use it on a whim the next I want to go to lunch or to the latest action movie. I love action movies. I want to see Super 8. I've heard it's good. Knowing me, though, I'll probably wait until it comes out on DVD.
I see things on my bike ride each morning. The same houses. Same streets. I saw the mailman today. He delivers the mail pretty early in the morning. I thought the mail was an afternoon thing, but no, he starts delivering mail in our neighborhood at 9:30 or before. I think he recognizes me now, considering I've seen him nearly every morning since school got out a month ago. One of these days I'll wave to him.
I saw six different people walking their dogs. People look like their dogs after awhile. It's too true. I saw a guy running with his child in a stroller. That kind of exercise seems fun, for the kid at least. You're moving pretty fast, sitting in the stroller, while your dad runs. A theme park ride, almost.
I saw an old woman in a bright pink nightgown watering her plants. The nightgown reminded me of the one I wore as Doris McAfee in Bye Bye Birdie. That was a fun show. I don't think I enjoyed the role and the people I was acting with as much as I should have during that show.
I saw three different men from the Village of Schaumburg sanding down the rough edges of the sidewalks with screeching tools and an air compressor. I was scared a bit of cement was going to fly off and hit me in the face, so every time I passed one of those guys I closed my eyes and ducked my head.
I saw an old man watching as another man cut down a tree in his front yard. He looked sad, so I made up a story about him and that tree. It was a rotting tree that he refused to cut down because his late wife loved the tree, but his 3 adult kids were scared that the tree was going to fall on his house, so they all pitched in money hire a contractor to cut the tree down without telling him. He wonders which kid thought of the idea, and admires him or her for being stubborn enough to do that. Stubborn like him. He's sad though, and he's thinking of asking the contractor for a piece of the tree. He might put it by the fireplace, on the mantlepiece. He thinks his wife would've liked that idea. She was sentimental, romantic, and loved flowers and trees and growing things. She had a beautiful garden before she got sick. And she loved that tree, so he never wanted that tree cut down. But, it was probably time, so he sits there watching and thinking of his wife.
I saw the movie Beastly. Alex Pettyfer is gorgeous even with weird tattoo/ piercings. I want one haha :)
I saw my scrapbook from theatre at SHS. I look at it once a day pretty much. I like looking at those pictures of me. It's weird, but looking at me onstage, I almost kinda think, that maybe, perhaps I am all that my parents keep telling me I am. They tell me that uselessly though. I have a hard time believing that I'm anything. I don't think I'm anything. Really. I am pretty much a nobody to myself.
I saw thank you notes. Lots of them. I actually liked writing them though. I like telling people that I love them and appreciate them. I want to make other people feel good about themselves. I try to do that. I'm pretty bad at doing that with my family, because I take them for granted. Maybe it'll be good for me to go away. I won't take them for granted anymore.
I saw random quotes. I like StumbleUpon, and I use it whenever I'm bored or just want to procrastinate. it took me to a website of random quotes. One of them was about proving yourself to others. I don't remember what it said, but the proving yourself idea stuck with me. I don't think I should have to prove anything to anybody. I can prove myself to myself, but really, no one should have to prove anything. Not if there's trust or respect involved. If I say no, I mean no. Yes, I mean yes. And people might think I'm a bunch of bull, but I shouldn't have to prove myself. As long as I can be honest with myself and know when I'm really a bunch of bull haha :) I'm talking about proving myself as a person, not in the professional world. I'm scared about college and the future because I know I'll be expected to prove my skill everywhere I go. More will be expected of me. I'll have more to prove. But that's a different kind of proof.
I saw letters, letters I've written I won't send. I saw my anger. I don't hate many things in life, but I do really hate anger. I have this thing where I want everyone to love me, and I want to love them too, so when I'm angry or I feel any kind of tension, there is no limit to how far I will go to fix it. Really. Most times, the tension or reason for me being angry is all in my head anyway, so usually I just go to sleep and I wake up and I'm not angry or tense anymore! It's like magic haha! Another thing I do is I write letters, letters no one but me will EVER see, but therapy all the same, because I'm getting words on paper and saying things without saying them. It's kinda a perfect arrangement, unless I think about it too much, and realize that I'm just writing to no one, but I try not to think too hard about that...
I saw the cover of my Yo-Yo Ma CD that I got for graduation. It's a collaborative album, Yo-Yo and Ennio Morricone. If you don't know who that is, I suggest brushing up on your film music history. It's so fantastic. So dramatic and beautiful.
I saw gum wrappers. I'm really bad at throwing away gum wrappers. And sticking my leftover gum in them, and still not throwing them away. It's my one really gross habit. I think I'm just too lazy to get up and throw it away, so when I clean my desk, there's usually 50 gum wrappers being thrown away at one time.
Finally, I saw my piano. I love my piano. I love it so much. I spend as much time with it as I do my family, my friends. Hours of me just creating music and playing music I love on the piano. It's my soul instrument. I think that when I play my piano, I'm showing people myself. That's why I get really nervous playing songs I've written in front of people or having them listen to them, because what I'm really showing is a bit of my real thought and feeling in music form. It's the purest form of me you'll ever see, me playing the piano or listening to me play one of my songs. So, if you've head one of my songs or seen me play the piano, you've pretty much seen me without any emotion hidden, any pretense. That's scary for me. People seeing who I really am. Only a few of my friends know who I really am. I can think of maybe 4 outside of my close family. When I stop to think about that, I feel really, REALLY vulnerable around them. But, that's the price for closeness, I guess. Trusting people enough to let them see you and then trust them not to hurt what they see or hate what they see.
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