Musings from New York

I didn't want to go to New York the day after Christmas. I was tired from all the Christmas festivties, I hadn't stayed home during break for 5 years, and I just wanted to be with my friends. But, I'm glad I went to New York for two reasons. First, family is important. Nothing should overshadow that. Second, there are some  things I wanted to think about and it's better if I think about them while I'm away with no outside factors to influence me and fewer distractions. 12 hour drives are really good thinking times :) One of the things I've been thinking about is interfering. Some people, me included, are very perceptive and can analyze their friends and interpret their motives and feelings. I'm not gonna lie, it's fun. However, it's not ok to interfere based on what I interpret. In my opinion, it's ok to see what other people feel and think. But I would never, ever bring up something I see to a friend unless he or she asked me to give my thoughts or advice. I would never, ever try to make something happen before it's supposed to happen. Sometimes, interfering like that can ruin whatever might have happened. It might have been wonderful and amazing. It might have worked out perfectly. But because someone interfered, it won't. It's awkward because now it's an issue of pressure instead of free will. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: Keep your mouths shut and please don't tell people what they should do with their lives even if you have an idea of what they should do. I know it's tempting, especially when something seems so clear and right, but nothing is ever that simple. Things are always complicated. Also, people like to make decisions based on what they feel, not based on what others say they should do.  If you tell someone what should happen, it lessens the chance of it happening. And someone will get hurt. Like me. That's just one of the things I've been thinking about while in New York.

So, about that New Year's resolution.

I've never made a New Year's resolution before, and I'm not going to start now. No one I know who's made a New Year's resolution has kept it anyway. They just end up regretting the fact that they didn't keep it, and the thing is, I'm done with regrets. Last year was awful. Not all of it was awful, but most of it. The first six months of 2010, I sat around not doing the things I should have done and doing the things I should not have done. The first six months, I waited for life to come to me because I was scared to reach out for it and when it didn't come to me, I got sad, frustrated, then really angry. Then, during the summer,  I sat around regretting everything I'd done and not done during the beginning of the year. Still waiting for life to come to me, during those 3 months I was a mess of regret, anger at God, and self pity. It was indescribably ugly and it was quite enough.
         So, I don't have a resolution for 2011, but I have a wish, actually, a prayer. I pray for no regrets 2011. This is my senior year. I'm mildly ok with looking back on my junior year and thinking, "Wow, that was awful," because honestly, everyone's junior year is awful. I'm not  ok with looking back at my senior year and thinking it was awful because this is it. The last 3 months of 2010, (October, November, December) were the best months of my life because I went out in search of life, leaving my fears with God and spending time with the people I love. Though my regrets from earlier in the year still haunted the back of my mind, I was having too much fun to notice them! I want that to continue throughout next year. I want to do the things I should do and not do the things I shouldn't. I want to live life to the fullest and have no regrets afterwards, or at least, have as few regrets as possible. I don't know how that's all going to work out, but I'm praying it will. The thing about resolutions is, there's no room for God. It's just me working it out on my own, resolved to do something that may or may not be in my human grasp. If I pray, though, it's in God's hands, not mine, and He can do some pretty amazing things. So, Lord, I pray that this year, my actions would glorify you and that I would grow in relationship with you. I pray that I would be a better daughter, sister and friend. And I pray that when next New Years comes around, that I will have no regrets. Amen :)


What's your prayer for 2011?

Buettner Family Scrabble Version 2.0

So, we get out a Scrabble board, form teams, and make up words. No points, no one wins, we all win, because we're making up new words. This is my family. We are awesome. Worship at our feet. If you care to see all the other words we've made up, see my note entitled "Buettner Family Scrabble."

Brermic-proper noun, a beard enhancement cream
Duwai-proper noun, a country off the coast of Arabia
enhala- noun, that rare moment when a person inhales and says hello at the same time
eshalef-noun, Hebrew slang for dirty monkey, used as an insult
EUJA-proper noun, organization, stands for European Union of Jews and Anglicans
EZitma-proper noun, the website for Zitma (see Zitma definition_
fient-adjective, what sweaty feet smell like
flande-verb, cooking a chicken the Flemish way
gofie-1. noun, police slang for a bad con artist, stands for Giving Obviously False Identities Everywhere
        -2. noun, a baby gopher
grisp-noun, a very weak grasp
grye-noun, a disorder in which while crying, instead of sobbing, one makes a grinding noise
igga- noun, a very small igloo
kreng- noun, a Korean style typeface
Krevio-proper noun, a popular East Asian teen drama
lun-noun, a half lunge
nose-verb, to smack your nose against someone as an insult, "She just nosed you!"
osiben-noun, the offspring of an ostrich and a bison
osibent-noun, a baby osiben
oya-slang term, shortening of Oh, Yes.
RETA-proper noun, stands for Really Entertaining Talking Animals, the actors union of popular characters on childrens television programs and movies
Spaq-proper noun, the Shaquille O'Neill sponsored brand of Spanx, a type of hosiery
Spaqi, proper noun, Shaq's Spaqs for kids
textvic-noun, the time when a person is convicted for a crime based on a text message
Toowop-proper noun, a disease in which a person's lips are allergic to each other
UHOD, proper noun, an organization, stands for the United Hobbits of Denmark
walie-noun, a small wall for children, used to keep them from falling down stairs, entering rooms, etc.
yirmin-noun, yeti vermin
Zitma-proper noun, a zit zapper medication for middle aged women with kids

My brain turns on right before I go to bed

And I need to write my thoughts down before I lose them. Tonight, my brain is thinking about years. I think how four years ago right now, I was still in 8th grade with braces and hair down to the middle of my back. I wrote my first song that December, a little one, nothing special. It was a beginning, or rather, the beginning of a beginning and an ending, since I wrote it out of sadness and fear of having to leave the comfort of 8th grade and go into the big scary world of high school, which turned out to be both scary and not as scary as I had imagined it would be.
        I think how three years ago right now, I was still reeling from the excitement and exhaustion that followed Rumors, my first high school play. I had no clue, no clue what I was getting myself into by doing that first show. Heck, I still don't know what I got myself into by trying out for that show. That was another beginning, the beginning of a theatre family that is in some ways closer than my flesh and blood family. It is one of the most confounding and most amazing things God has ever sent my way.
      I think how two years ago right now, I was hiding in a little shell, afraid to come out, a little sophomore who didn't really know what to do. I was focusing on a friendship that didn't last as long as I hoped it would and was very self consumed. It was the beginning of nothing, because I was so entrenched in my bubble of my own insecurities. I don't remember much about this winter. To be perfectly honest, I remember little about sophomore year until March, when I got into the spring play and my theatre family was there again.
     I think how one year ago right now, I was in love and it was so wonderful. I played Belle, Scrooge's girlfriend in A Christmas Carol, and I felt alive and full of holiday joy and love, like Belle was the night she met Scrooge. Everything was beautiful and nothing else mattered. I don't even remember what I got for Christmas last year, except a single text message on Christmas morning while I was eating breakfast at my grandma's house. It was the beginning of a terrible 7 months of heartache and anger at God,  culminating in a terrible summer in which I writhed in the hell fires of self pity and regret. Also, last December, I hugged my Opa goodbye for the last time. But, good came out of the craziness.
      I think how this year right now, I am me. I am the most myself I have ever been in my life. I was just in my last comedy at SHS, which makes me a little melancholy, but I still have my theatre family by my side, making me laugh all the time and teaching me to trust friendships again. My church family surrounds me with encouragement and prayer, and of course my flesh and blood family gives me more love than I deserve every day. I am 18, going on the rest of my life, looking forward to going to college next year, wherever that is. God and I (mostly God) are still working out the ginormous kinks in our relationship caused by last year's angst and it'll take time, because I was mad for a long time. Thank goodness for God's patience with me and my learning heart. I'm sufficiently tired now, all my thoughts out of my head. Time to sleep.