And I need to write my thoughts down before I lose them. Tonight, my brain is thinking about years. I think how four years ago right now, I was still in 8th grade with braces and hair down to the middle of my back. I wrote my first song that December, a little one, nothing special. It was a beginning, or rather, the beginning of a beginning and an ending, since I wrote it out of sadness and fear of having to leave the comfort of 8th grade and go into the big scary world of high school, which turned out to be both scary and not as scary as I had imagined it would be.
I think how three years ago right now, I was still reeling from the excitement and exhaustion that followed Rumors, my first high school play. I had no clue, no clue what I was getting myself into by doing that first show. Heck, I still don't know what I got myself into by trying out for that show. That was another beginning, the beginning of a theatre family that is in some ways closer than my flesh and blood family. It is one of the most confounding and most amazing things God has ever sent my way.
I think how two years ago right now, I was hiding in a little shell, afraid to come out, a little sophomore who didn't really know what to do. I was focusing on a friendship that didn't last as long as I hoped it would and was very self consumed. It was the beginning of nothing, because I was so entrenched in my bubble of my own insecurities. I don't remember much about this winter. To be perfectly honest, I remember little about sophomore year until March, when I got into the spring play and my theatre family was there again.
I think how one year ago right now, I was in love and it was so wonderful. I played Belle, Scrooge's girlfriend in A Christmas Carol, and I felt alive and full of holiday joy and love, like Belle was the night she met Scrooge. Everything was beautiful and nothing else mattered. I don't even remember what I got for Christmas last year, except a single text message on Christmas morning while I was eating breakfast at my grandma's house. It was the beginning of a terrible 7 months of heartache and anger at God, culminating in a terrible summer in which I writhed in the hell fires of self pity and regret. Also, last December, I hugged my Opa goodbye for the last time. But, good came out of the craziness.
I think how this year right now, I am me. I am the most myself I have ever been in my life. I was just in my last comedy at SHS, which makes me a little melancholy, but I still have my theatre family by my side, making me laugh all the time and teaching me to trust friendships again. My church family surrounds me with encouragement and prayer, and of course my flesh and blood family gives me more love than I deserve every day. I am 18, going on the rest of my life, looking forward to going to college next year, wherever that is. God and I (mostly God) are still working out the ginormous kinks in our relationship caused by last year's angst and it'll take time, because I was mad for a long time. Thank goodness for God's patience with me and my learning heart. I'm sufficiently tired now, all my thoughts out of my head. Time to sleep.
I think how three years ago right now, I was still reeling from the excitement and exhaustion that followed Rumors, my first high school play. I had no clue, no clue what I was getting myself into by doing that first show. Heck, I still don't know what I got myself into by trying out for that show. That was another beginning, the beginning of a theatre family that is in some ways closer than my flesh and blood family. It is one of the most confounding and most amazing things God has ever sent my way.
I think how two years ago right now, I was hiding in a little shell, afraid to come out, a little sophomore who didn't really know what to do. I was focusing on a friendship that didn't last as long as I hoped it would and was very self consumed. It was the beginning of nothing, because I was so entrenched in my bubble of my own insecurities. I don't remember much about this winter. To be perfectly honest, I remember little about sophomore year until March, when I got into the spring play and my theatre family was there again.
I think how one year ago right now, I was in love and it was so wonderful. I played Belle, Scrooge's girlfriend in A Christmas Carol, and I felt alive and full of holiday joy and love, like Belle was the night she met Scrooge. Everything was beautiful and nothing else mattered. I don't even remember what I got for Christmas last year, except a single text message on Christmas morning while I was eating breakfast at my grandma's house. It was the beginning of a terrible 7 months of heartache and anger at God, culminating in a terrible summer in which I writhed in the hell fires of self pity and regret. Also, last December, I hugged my Opa goodbye for the last time. But, good came out of the craziness.
I think how this year right now, I am me. I am the most myself I have ever been in my life. I was just in my last comedy at SHS, which makes me a little melancholy, but I still have my theatre family by my side, making me laugh all the time and teaching me to trust friendships again. My church family surrounds me with encouragement and prayer, and of course my flesh and blood family gives me more love than I deserve every day. I am 18, going on the rest of my life, looking forward to going to college next year, wherever that is. God and I (mostly God) are still working out the ginormous kinks in our relationship caused by last year's angst and it'll take time, because I was mad for a long time. Thank goodness for God's patience with me and my learning heart. I'm sufficiently tired now, all my thoughts out of my head. Time to sleep.
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