Ramblings About Growing Up

This isn't poetry. it is literally just me rambling on and on about being a kid.

I realized movies weren’t real. I understood coincidence. I became self-conscious. I stopped thinking the wind could speak to me. I swore for the first time (accidentally). I learned about love, I mean, that kind of love. I held a boy’s hand square dancing in gym. I went to my first school dance.I started shopping at the mall. I began to wear makeup. I saw what friendship means. I fell in love. I broke my heart.I felt betrayed.
I discovered who to trust. And who not to. I grew up.

I opened a box and ten years worth of dolls spilled out onto the floor of my already messy room.
Looking at me with lifeless eyes. I had forgotten their story.
I watched Winnie the Pooh ,and remembered the stuffed animals I held tight to in the middle of nights I couldn’t sleep. Thinking of their softness, I couldn’t remember their names.

I used to wonder what it would be like to grow up, to be eighteen. My dad was a youth leader at my church for awhile, and I saw many teenagers grow up. Some are now in their twenties. Some are over thirty.
I used to want to be one of them. And here I am.

I told my mom today that I wish I didn’t have baby cheeks. She told me not to wish that. I think she might have been right.

I used to spy on my neighbors. I used to hop fences with my heart pounding and run across lawns in my bare feet. I used to ride my bike up and down driveways. I used to swing on my playground. I used to look under rocks for bugs. I used to feed squirrels even though my dad didn't want me to. I used to think that leaves rustling was a language. I used to pretend I was a witch. I used to believe in magic and conspiracy everywhere around me. When the moon was full it was time for ghosts. When the sun shone, it was playtime and the world was great. What ever happened to thinking about the world in terms of what days I could play and what days I couldn't?  When did that stop?  I don't even remember. Hanging out is cool, but it's not as magical as playing. Just once, Just once, I wish someone would ask me to come over and play. I know it'd still be hanging out, but still. I want to go over and play.

All this is to say, I want to be a little kid again. Just for a day. I want to think about the world like a kid. Forget the world I live in now, with all the innuendo, all the profanity, all the sex, all the drugs, all the pressure, and be a child. I want to believe in magic and forget that my feet will get dirty if I play in the sandbox or run through the grass. I want to be a spy again, hiding in bushes and hopping fences. I don't want to worry about my hair. I don't want to put on makeup and wear nice clothes and wear contacts. Jean shorts too big for my skinny chicken legs and huge leather sandals for my awkward feet and huge glasses and a T-shirt that says "I'm a Rock Star" in pink and green and blue are perfect. I want to love simply and not worry about blurry lines or awkwardness. I want to be friends with anyone and everyone. I want to say what I think and not say a version of it. Be precocious and and innocent and wild and free. Totally free. That's what being a kid means to me now.

If I have kids, I want them to enjoy their childhood and stay innocent and free for as long as I did.

I've been thinking about this for awhile now. Leaving for college is making me crazy.