This is an interesting topic, I feel.

So I'm starting to realize there's a theme that's completely encompassed the past four years of my life and is continuing to encompass it. And while that theme is a positive one, generally, it has made the last four years an emotional roller coaster like none other. Which, I suppose, is natural because I'm a teenage girl and hormones are weird. Whatever. That's not the point. And that doesn't make the theme any less valid. The theme, ladies and gentlemen, is love. Love, not as in showing respect and compassion to everyone, but as in deeply and truly caring about people you're close to, friendship, family, and significant other love. Throughout high school, especially the last two years, the theme of my life has been this kind of love, experiencing it and giving it and receiving it. It's ironic, though, that I still I have no idea what love is all about. It's the craziest thing in the world. 1st Corinthians 13 and other passages of the Bible spell out the basics pretty clearly, but application and experience are so different than just reading about it. Every time I think I have love all figured out, I see an aspect of it that I don't understand and my mind and heart don't know what to do. This note is just a bunch of random things I've learned and questions I still have about love, this utterly mysterious thing. (It's probably mysterious because I'm over thinking it, but that's me haha)
      First things: You can love your friends. I know. This is shocking. This didn't really hit me until high school.  I always felt really attached to my friends in elementary school and junior high, but I didn't really put a name on it. I now know that what I felt was love, and so now, I can say I love my friends, as close as family if not closer in some ways.This provides a perfect segue into the second thing which is...
      Second thing: I'm one of those people who doesn't like to say "I love you": unless they really mean it. Like everyone, I say it jokingly but only occasionally. For the most part, when I tell someone I love him/her, I mean it. From the depths of my heart, I care about that person and would probably do just about anything for him/her. So if you've ever been really creepy and wondered why I don't say that to people often, it's because I really mean it when I say it. I think this makes me awkward sometimes, and that's related to the third thing.
      Third thing: Love scares people to death because of the ways it can make you feel. Giving it makes you vulnerable, which no one likes. Ever. Receiving it makes you feel good because it means you're special to someone, but if you don't feel the same way about the person who loves you, it also can make you feel guilty. I know people have loved me and valued me more than I have loved them, and I have loved and valued people more than they love me. Whenever this happens, it is hurtful to both sides, more so to the person who loves more, but also a little bit to the person who doesn't love as much. It brings feelings of guilt, and I'm not sure there's a way to cure these feelings because...
      First question: When it comes to this kind of love, can you really choose who you love and to what extent you love them? When the Bible says to love your enemies, I think that involves a conscious decision to treat them with compassion and respect and kindness that are due to everyone. We should love everyone in this way. The friendship and family love also entails this. I think, however, there's an added element of emotional closeness that's unique to family and friendship love that grows through shared experiences or meshing personality traits or being attracted to something in that person. You can't make a conscious decision to have that "chemistry,"  for lack of a better term. So, if someone doesn't care about as much as you care about them, I'm not sure it's your fault or the other person's fault. Maybe you just can't help who you love and to what extent you love them. I don't know. I'm open to other answers.
     Second question: If you knew someone loved you unconditionally and would do anything for you, would that make you more or less likely to treat him or her kindly and lovingly? I think less likely. I know this sounds bad, but I think I've observed this in my actions towards people that love me and the actions of people I love towards me. When someone loves you completely and supports you fully, I think you take that person for granted. You feel free to go ahead and love other people whose love is harder to get. You treat these people better because you have to pursue them. The people who's love comes easily are uninteresting. Less intriguing and fun, perhaps. I don't know. I wonder sometimes what would my reaction would be if my mom told me she didn't love me anymore because I treated her less kindly than I treat my friends. I wonder how some people in my life would react if I told them I didn't want to be their friend anymore because I think they take me for granted. Both of these situations will never happen, but I still wonder.
      Fifth and last thing, for tonight anyway: I think you can love a friend of the opposite gender with your whole heart, be incredibly close to this person and still not want to date or marry him/her. I'm not saying it isn't confusing and weird at times but I've confronted this issue at least twice in the very recent past and come to this conclusion. It's possible. I'm not sure why people think it's so incredibly different from a best friend of the same gender. I know there are obvious gender differences and therefore barriers to communication and so there's tension sometimes and awkwardness. I think it's possible, though, because I can think of at least 3 friendships in my life right now and even more in other people's lives where this holds true. As a matter of fact, I often feel more comfortable with my guy friends because I have three brothers and also because guys are just more fun and laid back most of the time (sorry girls).

I have more thoughts, but I've officially procrastinated for an hour and it's time to study for my psych test :)

Meryl Streep Procrastination Ramblings

I should be studying for bio, but I can't look at gene regulation packets anymore. Over the past two days, I've used Meryl Streep to procrastinate. It's been fun. I've watched Julie and Julia and the Devil Wears Prada, and I've come to the conclusion that she is perfect. If only I were her! Watching her reminded me of a line in my first play. It's kinda weird how certain lines stick in my head and float out at the most random times. Claire (my character) was talking about someone's voice and how she sounded like Meryl Streep in the movies, "like she always does the character perfectly but it's not really her." I've kinda wondered what this line actually means. Maybe it means that when she acts, Meryl is so much her character that it's no longer her who's the character. The character is the character so you don't hear Meryl when she acts. You hear the character. It is her, but it's not really her.
         Even if that isn't what the line means, I'd like to act that way. I would love to be so much my character that it's not really me anymore, that the audience doesn't see me but sees the character and believes in it completely. That's almost a scary wish, though, in a way. To lose myself completely in someone who's not even real. Or maybe that someone is real, just in a different way. I often wonder what prolific actors and actresses are like at the end of their careers, the ones who've played so many varied roles. Do they become a product of their characters, a mishmash of exaggerated personality? Or just empty shells with not personality waiting for a script to fill them up with a character? They're romantic notions either way, but I still wonder. Perhaps one has to absorb or embody some aspect of a character to play it well. Secretly, maybe I am a nosy reporter, an airhead who speaks before she thinks, the wacky Prince of Denmark, two overprotective mothers, a heartbroken fiancee, an interfering British spinster sleuth, and a self-serving opera guild chairwoman. It's an interesting thought.
        Even if I'm not the sum of my characters, acting has certainly made me who I am.  It's ironic, really, how I became who I am today by becoming someone else first. Being Claire Ganz in Rumors was the beginning of my life, and that's not an exaggeration. Because of the people I met and the experiences I had in that first play Freshman year, I try to hold onto friends instead of being a lazy communicator, letting friendships die,  and staying inside my comfort zone. I talk more, and I feel free to share my opinions with others. (Whether that's a good thing or not, you can tell me)  In a graduation speech she gave that I watched on Youtube, Meryl Streep said "Being an actress has opened my soul." I believe that's the truth for me too. Being an actress has opened my soul. Now back to studying for bio...

Tension

Yes, there is tension. It rules my life these days because it's always there. I feel tension. All the time. Like there's these ropes pulling on me in two thousand different directions. And these ropes come from literally every part of my life. I have to act in certain ways and not act in certain ways and not say things and say things and accomplish these tasks and be this person and be that person and do this and do that and do this and do that etc, etc, etc...if you've ever seen the Disney version of Cinderella, you remember that part where the mice start singing that song about how Cinderella is always being told what to do by her step mother and step sisters and how she's just running around in circles until she's dizzy. That is me.
      To be completely and totally honest, most this tension comes from me: my over analyzing, psychotic head plus my stupid, idiotic heart. I desire so much from life and I want to reach for the things I desire with all that I have. But the tensions arise when one of three things happen as a result of my determination to have what I want:
       1) I expect too much from myself and try to do more than I can handle. Thank God I've gotten significantly better at this over the years, but that doesn't mean it isn't still an issue. When I can't do all the things I thought I could do, that creates tension.
       2) I expect more from others than they can give and make ideal versions of them in my head. It's so, so very easy for me to start seeing people I love through rose colored glasses, and sometimes...no...LOTS of times, this gets me into trouble because then when they don't live up to my expectations, I feel tension. It's false tension, created by nothing other than illusions, but it's still tension.
       3) God says no to what I want. Grrr. Ugh. Argh. Hmph. There are some experiences I'm not allowed to have and some friendships that are supposed to die and some things I can't have. There are some doors God shuts and at the time, there seems to be no explanation. This creates the biggest tension of all. This tension caused me to have a complete emotional breakdown on a Friday evening last August when I was home alone. I'm sure the neighbors thought I was being murdered, and I guess, if I want to be overly metaphorical and cheesy, part of me was. I have dreams, and when God says no, they die. Permanently. Ugh.
      Other stuff causes tensions too. Not just my crazy self. There is family stuff and school stuff and drama stuff and friend stuff and church stuff and tons of sub categories in those categories, all combining with all the stuff from my crazy self to make me feel like a rubber band that's being stretched over someone's finger and is about to be shot across the room. Sometimes, like that rubber band, I do "shoot" myself at people, when I just need to say things to relieve the tension I feel, and then it gets awkward. At that point, even if I was being completely honest, even if everything I said is exactly what I feel, I usually regret saying the things I said. Relieving tension exposes your very soul or creates even more tension. Like this note is probably doing haha :) Sometimes I think that maybe I should just rein it in, not say things, not tell anyone anything and keep it all inside me. But then, wouldn't I explode? Isn't it harder and more tense never to tell anyone anything, never to say what I think, never tell others how I honestly feel and always try to hold it all in? I don't know the answer to that question, because I don't like either option.
    Anyways, my life is full of tensions. Everyone's is and I sometimes feel like mine are so insignificant, but they aren't really. Not to me. To me, these tensions are my life and I have to deal with them.  So, I pray, I write, and I occasionally say things I regret saying. That's how I deal with them, even if it's not the best way. Now, it's time for me to dream.

Because I Think About These Things

      Yes, it's true. I've been thinking a lot lately, probably because I'm in not in a show, I have Senioritis, and I'm scared of all the change that's coming. Honestly, many of these thought processes end up in depression or anger because I'm thinking about the past or the future. Yet, even though they make me feel these emotions, they are somewhat enlightening. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand some things about caring about people, or just friendships in general. Things that I didn't understand or didn't see that I knew subconsciously or should've realized long ago.
      First thing: Loving or really caring about people is freaking scary. In fact, it's the scariest thing in the world for me. When I care about someone, I begin to trust them because it's natural. I can't help but trust the people I care about. I trust them to care about me back, to treat me with respect, to not criticize me when I'm not around, and to be there for me. And trusting people with that stuff is scary. Paranoid people like me have a hard time with this. I start to trust my friends with my life and secrets then try to stop myself from trusting them because I think I'm gonna get hurt and that they will mock me behind my back and tell my secrets to everyone. I sabotage and second guess the friendships before I give them a chance. I need to stop doing that. Immediately.
       Another thing: When I care about someone, I begin expect he or she will never hurt me, but that's an unrealistic expectation. It's not unrealistic to expect my friends to treat me with respect and not back-stab me, but it is unrealistic to expect they will never do anything that hurts me. People are human. I know, that's a mind blowing statement haha, but it's so true. They have flaws, which means sometimes they will mess up and say mean things. Though that doesn't make it right, it explains why. Also, my friends have their own desires and they have their own lives. Therefore, their wants may not be mine. I may care about someone as a friend more than he or she cares about me as a friend. My friends might not want to spend  time with me like I want to spend time with them, tell me the kind of things I tell them,  or want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine. Though that kinda stinks for me sometimes, it's really ok. I can't expect people to change the way they act or give up their happiness and fun times for me. I know they care about me, and the strength of their caring doesn't matter as much as the fact that they care. I'm more happy about them caring then I'm sad about them not caring as much as I do.
     Third thing: I don't want my friends to be people who understand me. I want my friends to want to understand me. This was kinda my Facebook status yesterday, and I'm just beginning to realize how true this is. Though it's nice when my friends understand me (that makes everything less awkward haha), I would much rather they not understand my actions but then ask me why I did something, because then I see they actually care about how I act. In fact, if they ask, that means they care about me enough to verbalize what they don't understand about me. They actually want to know about me! That's kinda amazing. I'd like to think that this year, I've finally found the friends who not only understand me on most levels, but who want to understand me better, and that makes me so incredibly happy. I thank God for them every day.

SHS Theatre Kid Mannerisms and/or Common Phrases

Most of us do at least one if not more of these things. They identify us as a family. Be proud.

• "What?" -When someone says something awkward, if we say anything at all, it will most likely be a confused, laughing, and bewildered "what?"
• Head Scratch-When a situation, person, or phrase is deemed uncomfortable or, again, awkward, our instinct is to reach up and scratch our heads while giving a sideways glance to the person next to us, communicating our mutual discomfort. Usually, the awkward head scratch is following by one of us saying "Ummm" or some similar awkward noise such as the "What?"
• The Fist- When a person has done something that causes an issue, usually a funny or awkward issue, we shake our fists at them. It's not a typical fist shake because instead of the arm shaking the fist, the wrist shakes it in a wobbly fashion. This fist shake is sometimes accompanied by a joking "Darn you, ______."
• "Question Mark?" - We like to grandly and loudly announce our punctuation. Question mark? Exclamation point! Question mark, exclamation point?!
• The Looks-50% of all our conversation consists of looks: those meaning, knowing looks that communicate more than is possible or socially acceptable with words.
• Noises- Ugh. Oh. Hm. Ah. Growl. Sigh. Argh. Meow. Ruff. Rawr. jklasdfuop. uywerkla. snouset. At least 10% of all conversation consists of these and many more random noises.
• Strange Faces-Our faces are extremely expressive and versatile. There are limitless possibilities in regards to the amount and type of strange, communicative faces that we can make.
• Awkward, Strained Laughter- It's usually accompanied by a head scratch, a 'What?",  a look, or a noise.
• Hysterical Laughter-If you get us laughing, I mean, really REALLY laughing, getting us to calm down is not an easy task. In fact, it's nearly impossible.
• Weird Movements and Dances -Enough said. Warning: If you think it could be construed as sexual, it definitely will be. 
• "I feel..."- Used as the beginning or end of a sentence, similar to Yoda. And when we say it, we're usually not saying how we feel, it's most likely an opinion. 
• Judging-Something we all do very well, too well.
• Whispering into Someone's Ear to make Another Person Jealous or Uncomfortable-Yes. 
• Texting Across the Room and/or Table- Yeah.
• Awkward Hugs or Caresses-Yep.
• Breaking Into Song-More popular with some than others
• Excessive Sarcasm- Including but not limited to: complimenting someone excessively in a sarcastic tone, insulting someone excessively in a sarcastic tone, and glorifying yourself in a sarcastic tone.
• Complete Lack of Humility- Basically another way to say we're proud of ourselves.
• Emotional Issues- We are emotional beings. We care A LOT about everything, including each other :)

Why I haven't been able to speak for the past two days...

This week was probably the best week since Bio Boot Camp. I watched Schaumburg on Stage put on a great show in You're a Good Man Charlie Brown-In fact, I saw the show three times! It was so good. Congrats to the five of my friends who were in it :) You guys blew me away with what you did. But, that is not the subject of this note. The subject of this note is Jesus Culture, a three day conference I attended with my friend Cait from college and her youth group. Wow! I mean, really. WOW! It was spectacular for so many reasons. AHH! Just thinking about it right now makes me so happy! And I start laughing and smiling because God is good! While some of it was a bit strange and I'm not sure what to make of it, a lot of it was beautiful. If you haven't read this note I wrote previously, [http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150702194885083OK] then I would encourage you to read it now :) Anyway, this is probably going to be a just a short list of some of the awesome things that happened but if you really want to know more, please come and talk to me! I could talk about this forever! OK, list time:

1. Cait-I love her. I was describing her to my cousin yesterday, and I said that the beautiful thing about our relationship is not that we're interested in the same things or that we think the same way, but it's that we are completely on the same page spiritually. Completely. It was truly wonderful to spend three days with her, praying and talking and worshiping together. God has blessed me with her and I'm so glad I get to spend college with her!
2. Cait's Youth Group-I've never felt so loved and accepted by a group of people I didn't know at all. Cait told them about me, and they were instantly excited to meet me! As soon as I arrived, they literally flocked to me, telling me they'd heard a lot about me and couldn't wait to meet me. It was so uplifting and encouraging. I'm so sure that God will continue to work and see lives changed in their youth group if they just keep doing what they're doing: loving on everyone they meet.
3. The Worship-In a word...well...I really can't describe in one word, or two, or even twenty. Before I went on this conference, God told me clearly that during these three days, I was to worship Him in spirit and in truth. And oh boy, did I ever! 15,000 or more Christians all crying Jesus's name in one strong voice for an hour. And then do that 5 times in the span of three days. That's why I've lost my voice. I just spent too much time praising God! And I would do it again and again and again if I could! It was so glorious! God's name was truly lifted high. Wow :)
4. The Teaching-Jesus Culture is a revivalist conference and I'll admit, some things I heard said a few things I didn't quite agree with, BUT the Gospel was consistently preached. Almost every time someone got up on that platform to talk to us, it was about putting your faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and laying down one's life to follow Him. It was wonderful, to hear the truth of God spoken so many times. And that's one thing I gained from this: I want to know the truth of God and who He is, not how He is portrayed by the world. I want Him as He is.
5. The Prayer Time-I loved praying before I went to this conference, so it was fantastic to be able to pray and be alone with God in worship and then, during the teaching sessions to take my notes in prayer form. I love talking to my Lord, He who listens to everything I say and hears my heart. 
6. What I Learned-God desires all of me, which I already knew but it's something I need to keep learning my entire life. It I truly have a heart to see people come to know Jesus-Isaiah 62:1 is a verse God gave me. I will not be silent. The Holy Spirit in me is personalized to me, because I have a personal relationship with God. I need to keep building my secret history with God, spending time with Him and being quiet before Him. I love to worship God, because He's so good. I think I'm going to spend some time reading the Sermon on the Mount, because there's a ton of really good stuff in there. God is ready for me to go to college! Yay! It was really cool, because during the last worship session I was praying and telling Him that I'm sad and I'm not ready, and immediately, the response was, "Uh, I'm ready!" And I rejoiced and started laughing and crying! If He's ready, then of course I can be ready, even if it's sad and difficult to go! Haha! I'm smiling now. God's awesome.

Tons of other stuff went on during Jesus Culture and it's all so wonderful that I could go on and on, but I don't want to be up all night. The link at the bottom of this page is a clip someone recorded of the worship with Hillsong United if you want to check it out. That was the view pretty much from where I was sitting. It was so great.  Just thinking about it all makes me so filled with joy! Ahh! I know I'm weird, but I don't care :) Jesus loves you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2XPB_liWZY&feature=related

Grr...sick rant

If you've ever come across me when I'm sick, you know that I'm not myself at all. I'm either usually vicious or just completely zoned out. That's because while I'm sick, I'm not a human. I am living on my instincts in a primal state, where anyone who tries to approach me will be angrily yelled at, saracastically berated, or driven away by the force of my extreme apathy. The reason for this is that I hate being sick. Everything about being sick makes me so angry. I hate stuffed up and runny noses. I hate sore throats. I hate headaches and hurting ears. I hate eyes that feel like so swollen that they're gonna pop out of my head. I hate feeling useless and unproductive. I hate having to swallow tons of synthetic chemicals or homeopathic remedies my mother cooks in her teapot, both of which are supposed to make me feel better but never really do. I hate piles of tissues. I hate feeling useless and unproductive. I hate not being able to focus. I hate that even playing the piano, my favorite thing to do, is hard when I'm sick. I hate that I can't taste the lasangna I'm having for dinner. I hate lying in bed not able to sleep because I'm so uncomfortable because I'm sick. I hate being sick so much I make myself more sick by hating sickness so much. So, there are two possible manifestations of all this hate and rage. First, I could just show my anger and be mean to everyone. This usually happens when I'm really tired and sick or sick at an inconvenient time, which is usually all the time.  Second, I could just stop caring because I'm so mad and sit there in a daze. This only happens when I'm really, really sick. All this to say, when I'm sick, please forgive me. I know not what I do. In fact, after I'm done being sick, I will often look back on things I did and apologize, because I know that I was not myself. I had better get better tomorrow.