I have so much going through my head right now. I'm really trying to put things into perspective and not over dramatize because it's not a play on a stage. Ugh. Ah. OK. Wow. What a week. Something that might clue you in to the type of week I had is that I used strong, angry, and frustrated profanity more this week that I have in my entire life. So yeah. It was not a pretty 5 days. In fact, most things about it were ugly, except one really, REALLY awesome thing that happened. If you want to know about that, ask me personally. Sadly, I'm much more reluctant to share my good news on Facebook than I am talk about bad stuff on Facebook. Anyway, this is a note saying how I feel after this crazy week, and in some ways, this crazy year too. My perspective:
First of all, I feel happy. I just want to say how much I appreciate the concern and support some of my friends have shown me this week. They didn't tell me how I shouldn't be upset and how I should stop being sad. They just listened to me, were there for me to vent when I needed them, and told me things were gonna be ok. It made me happy to see that I had people in my life who cared about me enough to just let me feel what I feel and listen to me, whether or not they thought I was acting right or wrong or smart or stupid. That's really awesome. So thanks :)
Second, I feel upset at myself. Until this week, I thought I didn't like to trust people. But I realized this week that I actually do, because I trust people way too easily. When I say I trust people easily, though, that's not entirely what I mean. I don't trust everyone I meet. In fact, I guard myself and keep most of my thoughts inside. I think what I mean is this: If I really want to trust a person, I will trust him or her, even if I know subconsciously they don't deserve my trust. I will say things I know I shouldn't, I will reveal more than I should, and I will mess stuff up, making things awkward and crazy because I decided to show too much of my soul to the wrong person, who never should have learned those things about me. That is my fault. No one else is to blame for that.
Third, I feel betrayed. And I didn't want to feel that way again, ever. The last time I felt this bad was Sophomore year, when someone was going around calling me a prostitute because I wouldn't date him and my best friend told me she didn't trust me.
Fourth, I feel like I've been treated like trash, used then thrown out. I used to think it's be nice if people would talk behind my back for once because that might mean they actually were affected by my actions and I might feel important. I was wrong. Completely wrong. It hurts like hell. I also thought that if people wanted me to do things for them, that meant they needed me and cared about me. Wrong again. Most of the time, it means they're using me and can easily replace me when I'm no longer useful or they find me annoying, clingy, and boring. I don't think I'm any of these things, so it hurts to be treated like so. On a related note...
Fifth, I feel confused. I don't understand what exactly I did, how my actions and things I said led to this week. I know what mistakes I made internally: expecting too much, trusting, caring too much, assuming too much, thinking too much. But, I don't understand how any of those mistakes were played out in my everyday life. I thought I acted somewhat normally most of the time. I'm also confused because a lot of things in my life went in a downhill direction so fast I couldn't even stop them, just reach after them screaming "NOOOOOO!" This has happened once a year since I entered high school. So, I don't know what God is planning for my life, but I hope it's good, because I hurt so bad right now.
Sixth, I feel helpless. I'm in a situation and I can't fix it. I just have to sit and see what happens. Most of it is my fault. I want a reset button for this, starting from January. If I could redo that all over again, I would keep my mouth shut, care a little less, and enjoy what I have a lot more. It's not all my fault though. I think this might be about truth. I realized my definition of acceptable truth has changed since Sunday. It's not just "not telling a lie." It's telling the whole truth when someone asks for it or telling nothing at all. Half truths are lies too, because they can still conceal something important, something a person should know or should not know. It might also be about communication. I like to communicate with friends when I think they should know something about me, but I've realized that not everyone feels the same way.
Seventh and finally, there really aren't adequate words to explain all I feel right now. Someone once told me that my strengths were my intelligence, caring a lot about other people, understanding others, and being determined. Well, these strengths turned out to be weaknesses in a way. Intelligence: I think too much. I over-analyze everything. Caring: I care too much. Understanding: I understand too much. I let people get away with treating me like dirt and still, I understand and forget the past, which gets me hurt. Determined: I was too determined. The person who told me my strengths also told me not restrict myself to being just the smart girl, to be more confident with dealing with other people, and to show people who I really am. Well, I tried to do that. I was determined to make my voice heard and reach for what I really wanted, showing the world that Liz Humphrey is not just a smart girl, but someone who feels, cares, wants, and lives. That didn't work out too well. I reached too far for what I wanted, I showed too much of who I really am, and I got hurt. So, can I click the reset button now and make everything good again? No, because that button doesn't exist. Can I go to sleep now? Yes. Yes, I can. That's my perspective tonight.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
There are breaking points.
This is basically just some scattered thoughts I had while on my cruise last week. It's now time to get them out of my brain because I have a little time to write. Sigh. Seeing parts of the world so radically different from home made me never want to come home again. Right now, I'm feeling dissatisfied with everything and out of place because the richness of the culture and diversity of the people in Europe and Africa appeared so much more beautiful and fascinating than in the US. I don't know whether it was just because it was a new experience, but I really, really want to go back there. Like, today. This moment. I felt at home in foreign countries. And I want to go see more of the world ASAP. (Confession: I'm not gonna lie, about a fifth of the reason for me wanting to go back is the quantity of attractive guys I saw in Spain).
Though I feel a little discontented at home, I missed everyone A LOT while I was in foreign countries. I realized just how much my friends have infiltrated my life. I would look at things and think what they would be saying if they were with me. It was this weird sort of conversation I was having inside my head with people who weren't there. Kinda crazy, but true. My family got a little mad at me at the beginning of the trip because about half of my trains of thought would lead back to lines from plays, inside jokes that I couldn't share with my family, and other moments I remembered from times I shared with friends. I wish I could've brought everyone with me on the trip so I could really share everything with you guys, but the pictures I upload in about 6 weeks will have to do.
I'm a creepy person. People who know me well know this. Well, my creepiness rose to new heights during this trip because it's much easier to eavesdrop on people they think you don't know their language. Yes, that's right. I spied on all the Spaniards I saw at the airport and on the plane home. And I grew strangely attached to them. I actually miss them a little because I liked their personalities. I gave them all very unoriginal nicknames. There was this one guy who looked like a professor. I called him "The Professor." The Professor, the "Bald Guy," the "Bald Guy's Shy Wife," and the "Businessman" were one group of people I eavesdropped on for two hours in the boarding pass line. They were making fun of American tourists with their shorts and cameras in Las Ramblas, the touristy area of Barcelona. They were also talking about the stock market at one point, I think. I'm not exactly sure. They spoke rapid fire Spanish.
I also spied on The Pinker Tones, a band from Barcelona that happened to be on our flight, and also happened to sit near from us on the plane. One guy in particular from the band, Chris, sat right diagonally from me, and of course, he was the cutest one in the band. Needless to say, I took pictures of him, awake and asleep, and also took pictures of the book he was reading. (One chapter was titled "The Summer of Love"?) I know-creepy. I also listened to the 20 minute conversation he and my dad had before we landed in New York. I really wish I could go to their concert in Chicago in two weeks, but unfortunately, it's on the opening night of my play. Sad. I wanted to see Chris again, and maybe actually meet him this time instead of stalking him. I feel bad for being so creepy, but hey, what else was I supposed to do while waiting in lines for 2 hours and then sitting on a plane for 9 hours? So, this is a public apology to the Pinker Tones and The Professor, the Bald Guy, the Bald Guy's Shy Wife, and the Businessman. I'm sorry for stalking you all.
Now the actual semi-deep thoughts. Have you ever wanted something so much you shudder when you think about it? Chills run down your spine and you feel afraid and hopeful at the same time. Then you sigh because your entire being wants it so bad. I'm not talking about a person, necessarily. It could be an experience, an object, an abstract idea, or anything. but you want it. More than anything in the entire world. Now you don't get the thing you want and something snaps. Ugh. That is pain. That is loss. That hurts. This is the breaking point. After this point, something in you seals over with stone. You become numb. It doesn't matter because it hurts if it matters. Feeling numb, you move on, changed and scared to want anything so bad again. I went through this kind of thing this September. It was so bad. Now, I want something again, and it doesn't look like I'm going to get it. This time, I think I'm moving into the numb stage right away, even though I haven't been denied the thing I want yet. I really don't want to do that, but I'm terrified of feeling that pain and loss again. Terrified. So, I feel kinda dead inside right now.
Breaking points also happen with me with people; friends, family, essentially anyone I love. I knew this before, but I didn't know what to call it until recently thinking about this whole breaking point idea. Before the breaking point, you care about a person more than is healthy. You would hand them the world if you could. Then, something happens and you snap. It hurts a lot more than simply losing an object, an experience, or an abstract idea. During a breaking point with a person, I have cried and screamed like a soul in complete and utter torment in the deepest circle of hell, saying basically (though in a lot more words) "Screw you, person. Screw you for breaking me." Then, it seals over like a grave, and numbness sets in.
It's a weird thing, though, because in the numb phase, the person still matters to you. But it's different. The feeling is muted significantly. The feeling is not gone irrevocably because sometimes it comes back, and it's like a tidal wave crashing on your life. Most of the time, however, it's like this: You're sitting in a room with lots of people you know. Some are acquaintances, some close friends, and some family. Your eye scans over the crowd and you see that one person. Your eye rests on them a little bit longer, because when you see them, you remember when that person was one of the most important people in your life. You remember the extreme joy that seeing their face brought to your day. You remember what it felt like to want to give the world to him or her. You remember these things, but these things don't happen now. All you feel is the normal, everyday compassion and care you feel for any of your friends. You look at them nostalgically for another moment and then your eyes move onto look at other people in the room. It's like that.
OK, that was cathartic. I'm so tired. I have to go to sleep now. I have a scholarship interview in the morning. So, goodnight.
Though I feel a little discontented at home, I missed everyone A LOT while I was in foreign countries. I realized just how much my friends have infiltrated my life. I would look at things and think what they would be saying if they were with me. It was this weird sort of conversation I was having inside my head with people who weren't there. Kinda crazy, but true. My family got a little mad at me at the beginning of the trip because about half of my trains of thought would lead back to lines from plays, inside jokes that I couldn't share with my family, and other moments I remembered from times I shared with friends. I wish I could've brought everyone with me on the trip so I could really share everything with you guys, but the pictures I upload in about 6 weeks will have to do.
I'm a creepy person. People who know me well know this. Well, my creepiness rose to new heights during this trip because it's much easier to eavesdrop on people they think you don't know their language. Yes, that's right. I spied on all the Spaniards I saw at the airport and on the plane home. And I grew strangely attached to them. I actually miss them a little because I liked their personalities. I gave them all very unoriginal nicknames. There was this one guy who looked like a professor. I called him "The Professor." The Professor, the "Bald Guy," the "Bald Guy's Shy Wife," and the "Businessman" were one group of people I eavesdropped on for two hours in the boarding pass line. They were making fun of American tourists with their shorts and cameras in Las Ramblas, the touristy area of Barcelona. They were also talking about the stock market at one point, I think. I'm not exactly sure. They spoke rapid fire Spanish.
I also spied on The Pinker Tones, a band from Barcelona that happened to be on our flight, and also happened to sit near from us on the plane. One guy in particular from the band, Chris, sat right diagonally from me, and of course, he was the cutest one in the band. Needless to say, I took pictures of him, awake and asleep, and also took pictures of the book he was reading. (One chapter was titled "The Summer of Love"?) I know-creepy. I also listened to the 20 minute conversation he and my dad had before we landed in New York. I really wish I could go to their concert in Chicago in two weeks, but unfortunately, it's on the opening night of my play. Sad. I wanted to see Chris again, and maybe actually meet him this time instead of stalking him. I feel bad for being so creepy, but hey, what else was I supposed to do while waiting in lines for 2 hours and then sitting on a plane for 9 hours? So, this is a public apology to the Pinker Tones and The Professor, the Bald Guy, the Bald Guy's Shy Wife, and the Businessman. I'm sorry for stalking you all.
Now the actual semi-deep thoughts. Have you ever wanted something so much you shudder when you think about it? Chills run down your spine and you feel afraid and hopeful at the same time. Then you sigh because your entire being wants it so bad. I'm not talking about a person, necessarily. It could be an experience, an object, an abstract idea, or anything. but you want it. More than anything in the entire world. Now you don't get the thing you want and something snaps. Ugh. That is pain. That is loss. That hurts. This is the breaking point. After this point, something in you seals over with stone. You become numb. It doesn't matter because it hurts if it matters. Feeling numb, you move on, changed and scared to want anything so bad again. I went through this kind of thing this September. It was so bad. Now, I want something again, and it doesn't look like I'm going to get it. This time, I think I'm moving into the numb stage right away, even though I haven't been denied the thing I want yet. I really don't want to do that, but I'm terrified of feeling that pain and loss again. Terrified. So, I feel kinda dead inside right now.
Breaking points also happen with me with people; friends, family, essentially anyone I love. I knew this before, but I didn't know what to call it until recently thinking about this whole breaking point idea. Before the breaking point, you care about a person more than is healthy. You would hand them the world if you could. Then, something happens and you snap. It hurts a lot more than simply losing an object, an experience, or an abstract idea. During a breaking point with a person, I have cried and screamed like a soul in complete and utter torment in the deepest circle of hell, saying basically (though in a lot more words) "Screw you, person. Screw you for breaking me." Then, it seals over like a grave, and numbness sets in.
It's a weird thing, though, because in the numb phase, the person still matters to you. But it's different. The feeling is muted significantly. The feeling is not gone irrevocably because sometimes it comes back, and it's like a tidal wave crashing on your life. Most of the time, however, it's like this: You're sitting in a room with lots of people you know. Some are acquaintances, some close friends, and some family. Your eye scans over the crowd and you see that one person. Your eye rests on them a little bit longer, because when you see them, you remember when that person was one of the most important people in your life. You remember the extreme joy that seeing their face brought to your day. You remember what it felt like to want to give the world to him or her. You remember these things, but these things don't happen now. All you feel is the normal, everyday compassion and care you feel for any of your friends. You look at them nostalgically for another moment and then your eyes move onto look at other people in the room. It's like that.
OK, that was cathartic. I'm so tired. I have to go to sleep now. I have a scholarship interview in the morning. So, goodnight.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
This is an interesting topic, I feel.
So I'm starting to realize there's a theme that's completely encompassed the past four years of my life and is continuing to encompass it. And while that theme is a positive one, generally, it has made the last four years an emotional roller coaster like none other. Which, I suppose, is natural because I'm a teenage girl and hormones are weird. Whatever. That's not the point. And that doesn't make the theme any less valid. The theme, ladies and gentlemen, is love. Love, not as in showing respect and compassion to everyone, but as in deeply and truly caring about people you're close to, friendship, family, and significant other love. Throughout high school, especially the last two years, the theme of my life has been this kind of love, experiencing it and giving it and receiving it. It's ironic, though, that I still I have no idea what love is all about. It's the craziest thing in the world. 1st Corinthians 13 and other passages of the Bible spell out the basics pretty clearly, but application and experience are so different than just reading about it. Every time I think I have love all figured out, I see an aspect of it that I don't understand and my mind and heart don't know what to do. This note is just a bunch of random things I've learned and questions I still have about love, this utterly mysterious thing. (It's probably mysterious because I'm over thinking it, but that's me haha)
First things: You can love your friends. I know. This is shocking. This didn't really hit me until high school. I always felt really attached to my friends in elementary school and junior high, but I didn't really put a name on it. I now know that what I felt was love, and so now, I can say I love my friends, as close as family if not closer in some ways.This provides a perfect segue into the second thing which is...
Second thing: I'm one of those people who doesn't like to say "I love you": unless they really mean it. Like everyone, I say it jokingly but only occasionally. For the most part, when I tell someone I love him/her, I mean it. From the depths of my heart, I care about that person and would probably do just about anything for him/her. So if you've ever been really creepy and wondered why I don't say that to people often, it's because I really mean it when I say it. I think this makes me awkward sometimes, and that's related to the third thing.
Third thing: Love scares people to death because of the ways it can make you feel. Giving it makes you vulnerable, which no one likes. Ever. Receiving it makes you feel good because it means you're special to someone, but if you don't feel the same way about the person who loves you, it also can make you feel guilty. I know people have loved me and valued me more than I have loved them, and I have loved and valued people more than they love me. Whenever this happens, it is hurtful to both sides, more so to the person who loves more, but also a little bit to the person who doesn't love as much. It brings feelings of guilt, and I'm not sure there's a way to cure these feelings because...
First question: When it comes to this kind of love, can you really choose who you love and to what extent you love them? When the Bible says to love your enemies, I think that involves a conscious decision to treat them with compassion and respect and kindness that are due to everyone. We should love everyone in this way. The friendship and family love also entails this. I think, however, there's an added element of emotional closeness that's unique to family and friendship love that grows through shared experiences or meshing personality traits or being attracted to something in that person. You can't make a conscious decision to have that "chemistry," for lack of a better term. So, if someone doesn't care about as much as you care about them, I'm not sure it's your fault or the other person's fault. Maybe you just can't help who you love and to what extent you love them. I don't know. I'm open to other answers.
Second question: If you knew someone loved you unconditionally and would do anything for you, would that make you more or less likely to treat him or her kindly and lovingly? I think less likely. I know this sounds bad, but I think I've observed this in my actions towards people that love me and the actions of people I love towards me. When someone loves you completely and supports you fully, I think you take that person for granted. You feel free to go ahead and love other people whose love is harder to get. You treat these people better because you have to pursue them. The people who's love comes easily are uninteresting. Less intriguing and fun, perhaps. I don't know. I wonder sometimes what would my reaction would be if my mom told me she didn't love me anymore because I treated her less kindly than I treat my friends. I wonder how some people in my life would react if I told them I didn't want to be their friend anymore because I think they take me for granted. Both of these situations will never happen, but I still wonder.
Fifth and last thing, for tonight anyway: I think you can love a friend of the opposite gender with your whole heart, be incredibly close to this person and still not want to date or marry him/her. I'm not saying it isn't confusing and weird at times but I've confronted this issue at least twice in the very recent past and come to this conclusion. It's possible. I'm not sure why people think it's so incredibly different from a best friend of the same gender. I know there are obvious gender differences and therefore barriers to communication and so there's tension sometimes and awkwardness. I think it's possible, though, because I can think of at least 3 friendships in my life right now and even more in other people's lives where this holds true. As a matter of fact, I often feel more comfortable with my guy friends because I have three brothers and also because guys are just more fun and laid back most of the time (sorry girls).
I have more thoughts, but I've officially procrastinated for an hour and it's time to study for my psych test :)
First things: You can love your friends. I know. This is shocking. This didn't really hit me until high school. I always felt really attached to my friends in elementary school and junior high, but I didn't really put a name on it. I now know that what I felt was love, and so now, I can say I love my friends, as close as family if not closer in some ways.This provides a perfect segue into the second thing which is...
Second thing: I'm one of those people who doesn't like to say "I love you": unless they really mean it. Like everyone, I say it jokingly but only occasionally. For the most part, when I tell someone I love him/her, I mean it. From the depths of my heart, I care about that person and would probably do just about anything for him/her. So if you've ever been really creepy and wondered why I don't say that to people often, it's because I really mean it when I say it. I think this makes me awkward sometimes, and that's related to the third thing.
Third thing: Love scares people to death because of the ways it can make you feel. Giving it makes you vulnerable, which no one likes. Ever. Receiving it makes you feel good because it means you're special to someone, but if you don't feel the same way about the person who loves you, it also can make you feel guilty. I know people have loved me and valued me more than I have loved them, and I have loved and valued people more than they love me. Whenever this happens, it is hurtful to both sides, more so to the person who loves more, but also a little bit to the person who doesn't love as much. It brings feelings of guilt, and I'm not sure there's a way to cure these feelings because...
First question: When it comes to this kind of love, can you really choose who you love and to what extent you love them? When the Bible says to love your enemies, I think that involves a conscious decision to treat them with compassion and respect and kindness that are due to everyone. We should love everyone in this way. The friendship and family love also entails this. I think, however, there's an added element of emotional closeness that's unique to family and friendship love that grows through shared experiences or meshing personality traits or being attracted to something in that person. You can't make a conscious decision to have that "chemistry," for lack of a better term. So, if someone doesn't care about as much as you care about them, I'm not sure it's your fault or the other person's fault. Maybe you just can't help who you love and to what extent you love them. I don't know. I'm open to other answers.
Second question: If you knew someone loved you unconditionally and would do anything for you, would that make you more or less likely to treat him or her kindly and lovingly? I think less likely. I know this sounds bad, but I think I've observed this in my actions towards people that love me and the actions of people I love towards me. When someone loves you completely and supports you fully, I think you take that person for granted. You feel free to go ahead and love other people whose love is harder to get. You treat these people better because you have to pursue them. The people who's love comes easily are uninteresting. Less intriguing and fun, perhaps. I don't know. I wonder sometimes what would my reaction would be if my mom told me she didn't love me anymore because I treated her less kindly than I treat my friends. I wonder how some people in my life would react if I told them I didn't want to be their friend anymore because I think they take me for granted. Both of these situations will never happen, but I still wonder.
Fifth and last thing, for tonight anyway: I think you can love a friend of the opposite gender with your whole heart, be incredibly close to this person and still not want to date or marry him/her. I'm not saying it isn't confusing and weird at times but I've confronted this issue at least twice in the very recent past and come to this conclusion. It's possible. I'm not sure why people think it's so incredibly different from a best friend of the same gender. I know there are obvious gender differences and therefore barriers to communication and so there's tension sometimes and awkwardness. I think it's possible, though, because I can think of at least 3 friendships in my life right now and even more in other people's lives where this holds true. As a matter of fact, I often feel more comfortable with my guy friends because I have three brothers and also because guys are just more fun and laid back most of the time (sorry girls).
I have more thoughts, but I've officially procrastinated for an hour and it's time to study for my psych test :)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Meryl Streep Procrastination Ramblings
I should be studying for bio, but I can't look at gene regulation packets anymore. Over the past two days, I've used Meryl Streep to procrastinate. It's been fun. I've watched Julie and Julia and the Devil Wears Prada, and I've come to the conclusion that she is perfect. If only I were her! Watching her reminded me of a line in my first play. It's kinda weird how certain lines stick in my head and float out at the most random times. Claire (my character) was talking about someone's voice and how she sounded like Meryl Streep in the movies, "like she always does the character perfectly but it's not really her." I've kinda wondered what this line actually means. Maybe it means that when she acts, Meryl is so much her character that it's no longer her who's the character. The character is the character so you don't hear Meryl when she acts. You hear the character. It is her, but it's not really her.
Even if that isn't what the line means, I'd like to act that way. I would love to be so much my character that it's not really me anymore, that the audience doesn't see me but sees the character and believes in it completely. That's almost a scary wish, though, in a way. To lose myself completely in someone who's not even real. Or maybe that someone is real, just in a different way. I often wonder what prolific actors and actresses are like at the end of their careers, the ones who've played so many varied roles. Do they become a product of their characters, a mishmash of exaggerated personality? Or just empty shells with not personality waiting for a script to fill them up with a character? They're romantic notions either way, but I still wonder. Perhaps one has to absorb or embody some aspect of a character to play it well. Secretly, maybe I am a nosy reporter, an airhead who speaks before she thinks, the wacky Prince of Denmark, two overprotective mothers, a heartbroken fiancee, an interfering British spinster sleuth, and a self-serving opera guild chairwoman. It's an interesting thought.
Even if I'm not the sum of my characters, acting has certainly made me who I am. It's ironic, really, how I became who I am today by becoming someone else first. Being Claire Ganz in Rumors was the beginning of my life, and that's not an exaggeration. Because of the people I met and the experiences I had in that first play Freshman year, I try to hold onto friends instead of being a lazy communicator, letting friendships die, and staying inside my comfort zone. I talk more, and I feel free to share my opinions with others. (Whether that's a good thing or not, you can tell me) In a graduation speech she gave that I watched on Youtube, Meryl Streep said "Being an actress has opened my soul." I believe that's the truth for me too. Being an actress has opened my soul. Now back to studying for bio...
Even if that isn't what the line means, I'd like to act that way. I would love to be so much my character that it's not really me anymore, that the audience doesn't see me but sees the character and believes in it completely. That's almost a scary wish, though, in a way. To lose myself completely in someone who's not even real. Or maybe that someone is real, just in a different way. I often wonder what prolific actors and actresses are like at the end of their careers, the ones who've played so many varied roles. Do they become a product of their characters, a mishmash of exaggerated personality? Or just empty shells with not personality waiting for a script to fill them up with a character? They're romantic notions either way, but I still wonder. Perhaps one has to absorb or embody some aspect of a character to play it well. Secretly, maybe I am a nosy reporter, an airhead who speaks before she thinks, the wacky Prince of Denmark, two overprotective mothers, a heartbroken fiancee, an interfering British spinster sleuth, and a self-serving opera guild chairwoman. It's an interesting thought.
Even if I'm not the sum of my characters, acting has certainly made me who I am. It's ironic, really, how I became who I am today by becoming someone else first. Being Claire Ganz in Rumors was the beginning of my life, and that's not an exaggeration. Because of the people I met and the experiences I had in that first play Freshman year, I try to hold onto friends instead of being a lazy communicator, letting friendships die, and staying inside my comfort zone. I talk more, and I feel free to share my opinions with others. (Whether that's a good thing or not, you can tell me) In a graduation speech she gave that I watched on Youtube, Meryl Streep said "Being an actress has opened my soul." I believe that's the truth for me too. Being an actress has opened my soul. Now back to studying for bio...
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tension
Yes, there is tension. It rules my life these days because it's always there. I feel tension. All the time. Like there's these ropes pulling on me in two thousand different directions. And these ropes come from literally every part of my life. I have to act in certain ways and not act in certain ways and not say things and say things and accomplish these tasks and be this person and be that person and do this and do that and do this and do that etc, etc, etc...if you've ever seen the Disney version of Cinderella, you remember that part where the mice start singing that song about how Cinderella is always being told what to do by her step mother and step sisters and how she's just running around in circles until she's dizzy. That is me.
To be completely and totally honest, most this tension comes from me: my over analyzing, psychotic head plus my stupid, idiotic heart. I desire so much from life and I want to reach for the things I desire with all that I have. But the tensions arise when one of three things happen as a result of my determination to have what I want:
1) I expect too much from myself and try to do more than I can handle. Thank God I've gotten significantly better at this over the years, but that doesn't mean it isn't still an issue. When I can't do all the things I thought I could do, that creates tension.
2) I expect more from others than they can give and make ideal versions of them in my head. It's so, so very easy for me to start seeing people I love through rose colored glasses, and sometimes...no...LOTS of times, this gets me into trouble because then when they don't live up to my expectations, I feel tension. It's false tension, created by nothing other than illusions, but it's still tension.
3) God says no to what I want. Grrr. Ugh. Argh. Hmph. There are some experiences I'm not allowed to have and some friendships that are supposed to die and some things I can't have. There are some doors God shuts and at the time, there seems to be no explanation. This creates the biggest tension of all. This tension caused me to have a complete emotional breakdown on a Friday evening last August when I was home alone. I'm sure the neighbors thought I was being murdered, and I guess, if I want to be overly metaphorical and cheesy, part of me was. I have dreams, and when God says no, they die. Permanently. Ugh.
Other stuff causes tensions too. Not just my crazy self. There is family stuff and school stuff and drama stuff and friend stuff and church stuff and tons of sub categories in those categories, all combining with all the stuff from my crazy self to make me feel like a rubber band that's being stretched over someone's finger and is about to be shot across the room. Sometimes, like that rubber band, I do "shoot" myself at people, when I just need to say things to relieve the tension I feel, and then it gets awkward. At that point, even if I was being completely honest, even if everything I said is exactly what I feel, I usually regret saying the things I said. Relieving tension exposes your very soul or creates even more tension. Like this note is probably doing haha :) Sometimes I think that maybe I should just rein it in, not say things, not tell anyone anything and keep it all inside me. But then, wouldn't I explode? Isn't it harder and more tense never to tell anyone anything, never to say what I think, never tell others how I honestly feel and always try to hold it all in? I don't know the answer to that question, because I don't like either option.
Anyways, my life is full of tensions. Everyone's is and I sometimes feel like mine are so insignificant, but they aren't really. Not to me. To me, these tensions are my life and I have to deal with them. So, I pray, I write, and I occasionally say things I regret saying. That's how I deal with them, even if it's not the best way. Now, it's time for me to dream.
To be completely and totally honest, most this tension comes from me: my over analyzing, psychotic head plus my stupid, idiotic heart. I desire so much from life and I want to reach for the things I desire with all that I have. But the tensions arise when one of three things happen as a result of my determination to have what I want:
1) I expect too much from myself and try to do more than I can handle. Thank God I've gotten significantly better at this over the years, but that doesn't mean it isn't still an issue. When I can't do all the things I thought I could do, that creates tension.
2) I expect more from others than they can give and make ideal versions of them in my head. It's so, so very easy for me to start seeing people I love through rose colored glasses, and sometimes...no...LOTS of times, this gets me into trouble because then when they don't live up to my expectations, I feel tension. It's false tension, created by nothing other than illusions, but it's still tension.
3) God says no to what I want. Grrr. Ugh. Argh. Hmph. There are some experiences I'm not allowed to have and some friendships that are supposed to die and some things I can't have. There are some doors God shuts and at the time, there seems to be no explanation. This creates the biggest tension of all. This tension caused me to have a complete emotional breakdown on a Friday evening last August when I was home alone. I'm sure the neighbors thought I was being murdered, and I guess, if I want to be overly metaphorical and cheesy, part of me was. I have dreams, and when God says no, they die. Permanently. Ugh.
Other stuff causes tensions too. Not just my crazy self. There is family stuff and school stuff and drama stuff and friend stuff and church stuff and tons of sub categories in those categories, all combining with all the stuff from my crazy self to make me feel like a rubber band that's being stretched over someone's finger and is about to be shot across the room. Sometimes, like that rubber band, I do "shoot" myself at people, when I just need to say things to relieve the tension I feel, and then it gets awkward. At that point, even if I was being completely honest, even if everything I said is exactly what I feel, I usually regret saying the things I said. Relieving tension exposes your very soul or creates even more tension. Like this note is probably doing haha :) Sometimes I think that maybe I should just rein it in, not say things, not tell anyone anything and keep it all inside me. But then, wouldn't I explode? Isn't it harder and more tense never to tell anyone anything, never to say what I think, never tell others how I honestly feel and always try to hold it all in? I don't know the answer to that question, because I don't like either option.
Anyways, my life is full of tensions. Everyone's is and I sometimes feel like mine are so insignificant, but they aren't really. Not to me. To me, these tensions are my life and I have to deal with them. So, I pray, I write, and I occasionally say things I regret saying. That's how I deal with them, even if it's not the best way. Now, it's time for me to dream.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Because I Think About These Things
Yes, it's true. I've been thinking a lot lately, probably because I'm in not in a show, I have Senioritis, and I'm scared of all the change that's coming. Honestly, many of these thought processes end up in depression or anger because I'm thinking about the past or the future. Yet, even though they make me feel these emotions, they are somewhat enlightening. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand some things about caring about people, or just friendships in general. Things that I didn't understand or didn't see that I knew subconsciously or should've realized long ago.
First thing: Loving or really caring about people is freaking scary. In fact, it's the scariest thing in the world for me. When I care about someone, I begin to trust them because it's natural. I can't help but trust the people I care about. I trust them to care about me back, to treat me with respect, to not criticize me when I'm not around, and to be there for me. And trusting people with that stuff is scary. Paranoid people like me have a hard time with this. I start to trust my friends with my life and secrets then try to stop myself from trusting them because I think I'm gonna get hurt and that they will mock me behind my back and tell my secrets to everyone. I sabotage and second guess the friendships before I give them a chance. I need to stop doing that. Immediately.
Another thing: When I care about someone, I begin expect he or she will never hurt me, but that's an unrealistic expectation. It's not unrealistic to expect my friends to treat me with respect and not back-stab me, but it is unrealistic to expect they will never do anything that hurts me. People are human. I know, that's a mind blowing statement haha, but it's so true. They have flaws, which means sometimes they will mess up and say mean things. Though that doesn't make it right, it explains why. Also, my friends have their own desires and they have their own lives. Therefore, their wants may not be mine. I may care about someone as a friend more than he or she cares about me as a friend. My friends might not want to spend time with me like I want to spend time with them, tell me the kind of things I tell them, or want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine. Though that kinda stinks for me sometimes, it's really ok. I can't expect people to change the way they act or give up their happiness and fun times for me. I know they care about me, and the strength of their caring doesn't matter as much as the fact that they care. I'm more happy about them caring then I'm sad about them not caring as much as I do.
Third thing: I don't want my friends to be people who understand me. I want my friends to want to understand me. This was kinda my Facebook status yesterday, and I'm just beginning to realize how true this is. Though it's nice when my friends understand me (that makes everything less awkward haha), I would much rather they not understand my actions but then ask me why I did something, because then I see they actually care about how I act. In fact, if they ask, that means they care about me enough to verbalize what they don't understand about me. They actually want to know about me! That's kinda amazing. I'd like to think that this year, I've finally found the friends who not only understand me on most levels, but who want to understand me better, and that makes me so incredibly happy. I thank God for them every day.
First thing: Loving or really caring about people is freaking scary. In fact, it's the scariest thing in the world for me. When I care about someone, I begin to trust them because it's natural. I can't help but trust the people I care about. I trust them to care about me back, to treat me with respect, to not criticize me when I'm not around, and to be there for me. And trusting people with that stuff is scary. Paranoid people like me have a hard time with this. I start to trust my friends with my life and secrets then try to stop myself from trusting them because I think I'm gonna get hurt and that they will mock me behind my back and tell my secrets to everyone. I sabotage and second guess the friendships before I give them a chance. I need to stop doing that. Immediately.
Another thing: When I care about someone, I begin expect he or she will never hurt me, but that's an unrealistic expectation. It's not unrealistic to expect my friends to treat me with respect and not back-stab me, but it is unrealistic to expect they will never do anything that hurts me. People are human. I know, that's a mind blowing statement haha, but it's so true. They have flaws, which means sometimes they will mess up and say mean things. Though that doesn't make it right, it explains why. Also, my friends have their own desires and they have their own lives. Therefore, their wants may not be mine. I may care about someone as a friend more than he or she cares about me as a friend. My friends might not want to spend time with me like I want to spend time with them, tell me the kind of things I tell them, or want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine. Though that kinda stinks for me sometimes, it's really ok. I can't expect people to change the way they act or give up their happiness and fun times for me. I know they care about me, and the strength of their caring doesn't matter as much as the fact that they care. I'm more happy about them caring then I'm sad about them not caring as much as I do.
Third thing: I don't want my friends to be people who understand me. I want my friends to want to understand me. This was kinda my Facebook status yesterday, and I'm just beginning to realize how true this is. Though it's nice when my friends understand me (that makes everything less awkward haha), I would much rather they not understand my actions but then ask me why I did something, because then I see they actually care about how I act. In fact, if they ask, that means they care about me enough to verbalize what they don't understand about me. They actually want to know about me! That's kinda amazing. I'd like to think that this year, I've finally found the friends who not only understand me on most levels, but who want to understand me better, and that makes me so incredibly happy. I thank God for them every day.
Friday, January 14, 2011
SHS Theatre Kid Mannerisms and/or Common Phrases
Most of us do at least one if not more of these things. They identify us as a family. Be proud.
- "What?" -When someone says something awkward, if we say anything at all, it will most likely be a confused, laughing, and bewildered "what?"
- Head Scratch-When a situation, person, or phrase is deemed uncomfortable or, again, awkward, our instinct is to reach up and scratch our heads while giving a sideways glance to the person next to us, communicating our mutual discomfort. Usually, the awkward head scratch is following by one of us saying "Ummm" or some similar awkward noise such as the "What?"
- The Fist- When a person has done something that causes an issue, usually a funny or awkward issue, we shake our fists at them. It's not a typical fist shake because instead of the arm shaking the fist, the wrist shakes it in a wobbly fashion. This fist shake is sometimes accompanied by a joking "Darn you, ______."
- "Question Mark?" - We like to grandly and loudly announce our punctuation. Question mark? Exclamation point! Question mark, exclamation point?!
- The Looks-50% of all our conversation consists of looks: those meaning, knowing looks that communicate more than is possible or socially acceptable with words.
- Noises- Ugh. Oh. Hm. Ah. Growl. Sigh. Argh. Meow. Ruff. Rawr. jklasdfuop. uywerkla. snouset. At least 10% of all conversation consists of these and many more random noises.
- Strange Faces-Our faces are extremely expressive and versatile. There are limitless possibilities in regards to the amount and type of strange, communicative faces that we can make.
- Awkward, Strained Laughter- It's usually accompanied by a head scratch, a 'What?", a look, or a noise.
- Hysterical Laughter-If you get us laughing, I mean, really REALLY laughing, getting us to calm down is not an easy task. In fact, it's nearly impossible.
- Weird Movements and Dances -Enough said. Warning: If you think it could be construed as sexual, it definitely will be.
- "I feel..."- Used as the beginning or end of a sentence, similar to Yoda. And when we say it, we're usually not saying how we feel, it's most likely an opinion.
- Judging-Something we all do very well, too well.
- Whispering into Someone's Ear to make Another Person Jealous or Uncomfortable-Yes.
- Texting Across the Room and/or Table- Yeah.
- Awkward Hugs or Caresses-Yep.
- Breaking Into Song-More popular with some than others
- Excessive Sarcasm- Including but not limited to: complimenting someone excessively in a sarcastic tone, insulting someone excessively in a sarcastic tone, and glorifying yourself in a sarcastic tone.
- Complete Lack of Humility- Basically another way to say we're proud of ourselves.
- Emotional Issues- We are emotional beings. We care A LOT about everything, including each other :)
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