20 Dollar Bills and other things I've seen today

I see things every day, and, since my imagination is crazy, I often romanticize or think about them a lot. So these are things I've seen today and thoughts I have about them. Like the possibilities in the $20 bill sitting on my desk. Received as a late graduation present in the mail, it's a new 20, crisp and colorful. I could put it in the bank and save it, or leave it on my desk and use it on a whim the next I want to go to lunch or to the latest action movie. I love action movies. I want to see Super 8. I've heard it's good. Knowing me, though, I'll probably wait until it comes out on DVD.
            I see things on my bike ride each morning. The same houses. Same streets. I saw the mailman today. He delivers the mail pretty early in the morning. I thought the mail was an afternoon thing, but no, he starts delivering mail in our neighborhood at 9:30 or before. I think he recognizes me now, considering I've seen him nearly every morning since school got out a month ago. One of these days I'll wave to him.
             I saw six different people walking their dogs. People look like their dogs after awhile. It's too true. I saw a guy running with his child in a stroller. That kind of exercise seems fun, for the kid at least. You're moving pretty fast, sitting in the stroller, while your dad runs. A theme park ride, almost.
          I saw an old woman in a bright pink nightgown watering her plants. The nightgown reminded me of the one I wore as Doris McAfee in Bye Bye Birdie. That was a fun show. I don't think I enjoyed the role and the people I was acting with as much as I should have during that show.
           I saw three different men from the Village of Schaumburg sanding down the rough edges of the sidewalks with screeching tools and an air compressor. I was scared a bit of cement was going to fly off and hit me in the face, so every time I passed one of those guys I closed my eyes and ducked my head.
           I saw an old man watching as another man cut down a tree in his front yard. He looked sad, so I made up a story about him and that tree. It was a rotting tree that he refused to cut down because his late wife loved the tree, but his 3 adult kids were scared that the tree was going to fall on his house, so they all pitched in money hire a contractor to cut the tree down without telling him. He wonders which kid thought of the idea, and admires him or her for being stubborn enough to do that. Stubborn like him. He's sad though, and he's thinking of asking the contractor for a piece of the tree. He might put it by the fireplace, on the mantlepiece. He thinks his wife would've liked that idea. She was sentimental, romantic, and loved flowers and trees and growing things. She had a beautiful garden before she got sick. And she loved that tree, so he never wanted that tree cut down. But, it was probably time, so he sits there watching and thinking of his wife.
         I saw the movie Beastly. Alex Pettyfer is gorgeous even with weird tattoo/ piercings.  I want one haha :)
        I saw my scrapbook from theatre at SHS. I look at it once a day pretty much. I like looking at those pictures of me. It's weird, but looking at me onstage, I almost kinda think, that maybe, perhaps I am all that my parents keep telling me I am. They tell me that uselessly though. I have a hard time believing that I'm anything. I don't think I'm anything. Really. I am pretty much a nobody to myself.
       I saw thank you notes. Lots of them. I actually liked writing them though. I like telling people that I love them and appreciate them. I want to make other people feel good about themselves. I try to do that. I'm pretty bad at doing that with my family, because I take them for granted. Maybe it'll be good for me to go away. I won't take them for granted anymore.
        I saw random quotes. I like StumbleUpon, and I use it whenever I'm bored or just want to procrastinate. it took me to a website of random quotes. One of them was about proving yourself to others. I don't remember what it said, but the proving yourself idea stuck with me. I don't think I should have to prove anything to anybody. I can prove myself to myself, but really, no one should have to prove anything. Not if there's trust or respect involved. If I say no, I mean no. Yes, I mean yes. And people might think I'm a bunch of bull, but I shouldn't have to prove myself. As long as I can be honest with myself and know when I'm really a bunch of bull haha :) I'm talking about proving myself as a person, not in the professional world. I'm scared about college and the future because I know I'll be expected to prove my skill everywhere I go. More will be expected of me. I'll have more to prove. But that's a different kind of proof.
        I saw letters, letters I've written I won't send. I saw my anger. I don't hate many things in life, but I do really hate anger. I have this thing where I want everyone to love me, and I want to love them too, so when I'm angry or I feel any kind of tension, there is no limit to how far I will go to fix it. Really. Most times, the tension or reason for me being angry is all in my head anyway, so usually I just go to sleep and I wake up and I'm not angry or tense anymore! It's like magic haha! Another thing I do is I write letters, letters no one but me will EVER see, but therapy all the same, because I'm getting words on paper and saying things without saying them. It's kinda a perfect arrangement, unless I think about it too much, and realize that I'm just writing to no one, but I try not to think too hard about that...
      I saw the cover of my Yo-Yo Ma CD that I got for graduation. It's a collaborative album, Yo-Yo and Ennio Morricone. If you don't know who that is, I suggest brushing up on your film music history. It's so fantastic. So dramatic and beautiful.
       I saw gum wrappers. I'm really bad at throwing away gum wrappers. And sticking my leftover gum in them, and still not throwing them away. It's my one really gross habit. I think I'm just too lazy to get up and throw it away, so when I clean my desk, there's usually 50 gum wrappers being thrown away at one time.
        Finally, I saw my piano. I love my piano. I love it so much. I spend as much time with it as I do my family, my friends. Hours of me just creating music and playing music I love on the piano. It's my soul instrument. I think that when I play my piano, I'm showing people myself. That's why I get really nervous playing songs I've written in front of people or having them listen to them, because what I'm really showing  is a bit of my real thought and feeling in music form. It's the purest form of me you'll ever see, me playing the piano or listening to me play one of my songs. So, if you've head one of my songs or seen me play the piano, you've pretty much seen me without any emotion hidden, any pretense. That's scary for me. People seeing who I really am. Only a few of my friends know who I really am. I can think of maybe 4 outside of my close family. When I stop to think about that,  I feel really, REALLY vulnerable around them. But, that's the price for closeness, I guess. Trusting people enough to let them see you and then trust them not to hurt what they see or hate what they see.

Compromised

Nothing organized, just me thinking on Facebook. I really like the song Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine. I wasn't a fan of Florence and the Machine before I heard the song, and I'm not really that much of a fan now, but I like the song. That's the way I am with music, or at least, music that isn't a score to a movie. When it comes to movie score composers, I have clear favorites-Alexandre Desplat, John Williams, Hans Zimmer etc. I wish movie score composers would tour with their music like bands. But anyway, I rarely like the artists themselves when it comes to music. I don't own many full albums because I like very few bands completely. I might like 3 or 4 of their songs, but only those 3 or 4. Not whole albums. There are a few exceptions, but only a few. I think it's because I know what's good music in my mind, and if it's not good, I won't like it all and I won't want to buy it. Regardless of how much I like the band.
       That said, I love discovering new music. If you ever want to go indie music hunting, Amazon.com has a GREAT thing called "Free Songs and Special Deals" on their MP3 Downloads page. You usually have to dig throuhg a bunch of junk to find good stuff, but when you find something good, it's usually really good.  I've found some awesome music that way. And just because it's  "indie music" does not mean it's not worth listening to. Yesterday I discovered a band called Badly Drawn Boy from a free download, and I ended up going to iTunes and buying 3 more of their songs. So awesome :) I love when that happens. They also have free classical music sometimes, free jazz, etc. I never know what I'm going to find. so check that out.
      I'm discovering something about myself. If you ever want to really, truly know what I think about an issue or something that I won't discuss openly, talk to me right before I'm about to go to bed.  Right before I go to bed, my brain is going a mile a minute thinking about everything in my life. Seriously, I go over EVERYTHING you can possibly imagine in my head before I go to bed, from if I liked the food I ate today to major stuff. So, if you were to ask me a question right then, I would probably answer honestly because it's right on my mind. And also, before I go to bed, at that point I'm too tired to keep up any facade I may attempt keep up during the day. Everything is to your advantage if you desperately want to know something then haha. This has definitely gotten me into trouble in the past, like, the VERY recent past. I've sent text messages I regret the next morning, and I've had conversations that I don't remember when I wake up. My brain's funny that way. It is so focused on just a few things during the day that once it gets to bedtime, it just lets all the thoughts rush in and I get confused and somewhat crazy. So there you go. Take advantage of those 5 minutes to three hours while I'm laying in my bed to know what I really think about you or anyone because I'm pretty much compromised during that time haha :) Gotta stop writing. Got stuff to do! Always something to do...

Complicating Things

WARNING: This is not organized at all. Enter the maze if you dare.

      So, there are complicating things. But then someone could be complicating things. Weird. That's what I'm thinking about as I write this.
      I don't know. It's interesting, how life goes in circles. I can get everything I ever wanted in a year and still feel as dissatisfied as I did when it began. I guess it just proves that getting stuff doesn't satisfy for long, even if it's the most amazing stuff in the world and that only God can really satisfy my heart that wants so much all the time. College. Really? Am I that old? Yeah, I know 18 is not old at all, but still. College? I don't believe that's even happening. Graduation party's in two days, and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. Well, that's not really honest, because I am. I like having people over and making them feel welcome in my house. I'm just concerned that I'll be overwhelmed by everyone being there. God give me strength. I'm worried about compromising myself and everything I believe. I used to judge people who went through Senior year and then went to college and changed throughout it. I don't judge anymore, because now, I see why they changed. This year I've changed so much, for the better mostly but also for the worse. I never used to swear, ever. I never even contemplated doing some of the things that I've thought about doing. Don't worry, everyone. I haven't done anything. But just thinking about things is too close to doing them. and I've yelled at myself. "LIZ, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? STOP!" It shows how powerful the world is, if you let it change the way you think about yourself and people around you. I'm not so sure how I let it, but I did. I think if I'd spent more time actually with God and in the Bible instead of constant praying (though that wasn't bad) this year, I might not feel so changed. This summer, along with my SSSP, I'm going to use my spare time to get back to my foundation, to what I really believe.
          My mom brought up something to me the other day, and it's that my faith is not gone, it's just more mature, different. I think I used to see my relationship with God as something that was separate from my every day life. This was subconscious, but still true. I never really had to apply any of the lessons I was learning in church to school or relationships. High school taught me that my faith has to be an every day application. Everything is a spiritual battle, and Satan is always trying to get me stumble and let him win a round or two. Yep. He's evil. And I'm sad to say, I've let him win quite a few this year. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd say that people might meet me and not realize that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. That just shows you my pride. I look at my life right now, and I'm not sure people meeting me, or even my friends, would realize that I have very clear values and standards that set me apart, that I believe in Jesus and I'm trying to live my life for Him. Now, I'm wondering if I only claim to have those values but really, I'm just living for myself. I think that's a pretty good explanation of how I lived this year. I lived for myself, for a lot of it. I did what made me feel good, and that's not bad necessarily, but I did leave my time with God out of most of that. My goal this summer to to keep having the time of my life, but add God back into the equation, where He should have been the whole time, and try to live in a way that is not judgmental or proud, but that still sets me apart.
        Why does sincere love make people uncomfortable and uneasy? Why is powerful, emotional, and unconditional love always regarded as romantic? Why do you take the person who loves you unconditionally for granted? Why does honest love make things difficult sometimes? I see these questions in my relationships. In other people's relationships.  I've had a hard time with this the past two years. And I know I can't blame other people for getting confused when I've been confused this year too. And I've made other people confused with my confusion. But, I've tried to fix mistakes I've made, and I know I can't change the past so I've moved on. One thing I think I can say for certain is that I don't think I ever completely changed how I've treated someone based on my changing feelings for them. I am, for the most part, consistently myself. And I will continue to be myself always.
         Part of me is the way I love. For those of you who don't know, I love deeply and irrevocably. That's just who I am. Once I really love you and let you into my heart, that's it. You're part of me. The end. It doesn't matter if the person I love returns it, or actually, if I even like to be around the person I love all the time. Claire Light is an example, and I know she won't mind me using her as an example because she knows this is true. Sometimes, I can't stand her. But we've been through too much together in the past 6 years and been there for each other in the weirdest times, so I love her. Another example is my childhood friends. I don't even talk to most of them any more, yet part of me still cares about them a lot. I'm always a little sad when I see them and realize that we've grown apart. Sometimes, I'll close my eyes and remember the fun times we had, maybe I'll pretend I'm going to go outside and play cops and robbers by moonlight or baseball in my neighbors side yard. Because I loved them, I'll always care about my childhood friends and fondly remember the best of them. That's it. And then, there's my theatre friends. Same thing for all of you. I love you, and that's it. And some of you, I love you so much that you're probably stuck knowing me for the rest of your lives. I would apologize, but I don't think I should have to apologize for giving you a piece of me forever. And I hope it makes you feel good, knowing that I'd be there for you if you needed me for the rest of your life. I expect nothing in return, because I know that the way I love isn't always considered normal. it's kinda crazy actually.
     And  I am crazy. That's a fact. And I am eternally grateful to people like my parents, brothers, and theatre family who put up with that craziness all the time and don't mind too much. I am always stressed or worried about something, and that often expresses itself in backlash toward others, and then I hurt them. I would not EVER intentionally hurt someone I loved. Ever. I feel so consumed with guilt after I truly hurt someone that I almost can't function for awhile and then get lost in self pity and trying to make things the way they were before I screwed things up. Same thing goes when I say something and make things complicated. I get so upset at myself that I can't function, and I spend days, hours, months trying to bring things back to a pre-saying something level where things were better. I wonder sometimes what is better. Letting words burn me up inside and consuming me, or saying them and then letting the aftermath burn me up and consume me. I wonder. I complicate things. All the time. And then my life is full of complicating things as a result. I have so, so much more that I'm thinking about and not saying, and saying and not really thinking about as I say it. I wish I was back in school, I'm glad I'm not, I wish college would start, I glad it's not yet. Sigh. I'm going to go read a book.

Thoughts (Partly inspired by Lauren Becker)

I don't have my emotions under control this week, and I can't decide if that's a good or bad or neutral thing. One more week and I'll be done with everything about high school. Literally everything. Monday: No School. Tuesday: Last projects due. Wednesday: Thespian Induction. Thursday: Senior Picnic. Friday: Graduation Practice, Senior Brunch, Pixies. Saturday: Relax. Sunday: Graduate. Done. Close that chapter in my life. The End. Ugh. That sounds so dramatic but it's how I feel. Something good is ending. Yes, I know college will be better and lots of fun and I've wanted to be done for so long, and I'm ready to be done and move on with life...but I'm still incredibly, incredibly sad that it's going to be over.
         If I'm forced to be completely honest with myself, I will admit that sometimes, I liked being in high school. I liked the familiarity of it all, the fact that I saw the same people every day. I'm going to miss seeing people who've been in my classes all four years, (the "AP" kids), not because I'm close with them, but because they were always there. I got used to their personalities, and I got used to working with them, learning with them, and complaining about the amount of homework we all had or the stupidity of certain teachers. And of course, we did all have some good times together over the last four years, even if it was stressful. So, I will miss the academic side of high school a little. And I will miss my classmates a little. But I'll get over it quickly.
       However, I will not miss SHS Theatre a little. I will miss it so much, that for awhile, I think it might feel like I'm missing oxygen, food, or water. This week is all about preparing for Pixies, our awards ceremony, and it's the last thing I and the rest of the Seniors get to do for the program before we leave. Pixies preparation is filled with anxiety and panic attacks because we want our last thing to be good...because this is it for us and SHS Theatre. And whenever I think about that for too long, I tear up. Like right now :( Why will I miss it so much? Because it was not just an extracurricular activity for me. For me and some of the people involved in it, it was a family. I've tried to explain it to people who aren't in theatre, and they can't really understand it, but acting brings people together in a way that nothing else can. When you act with someone, something magic happens. I don't know whether it's because the intensity of rehearsals, the long duration of rehearsals, or just because acting is strange this way,  but you become bonded together on an different level. I can't figure out whether it's an emotional level or mental level or combination of both, but whatever it is, it's powerful. And that bond only intensifies as you act with the same people over time. My best friends are people who have acted with me in multiple shows. I've only known them for four years or less, yet  they are the closest friends I've ever made, closer than people I've known since birth. They are my family.
      It's not only acting that makes me and my best friends family, though. I think that just happens to be a common denominator that formed the foundation. The acting bond can only go so far, even though it's pretty strong. What else makes us family? The first thing is love. Yes, we love, support, and care about each other. Theatre family, we don't always say it, we don't always feel it, and we don't always show it, But, in the times that we're all laughing or crying, we know it's true. Even the times when we're fighting amongst ourselves, the only reason any of that happens is because we care about each other and think something will get in the way of the family togetherness. That ties into the second thing.
         Second, we have a need to be together, almost like a need for a drug. It's as if we all got addicted to being together during plays and that just translated into being together as much as possible at any time of day. It's also like we're all misers, the way we guard our friends and treasure time with them. And we don't like it when changes happen to mess things up. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer when I might not see a member of my theatre family every day, and during college, when I might not see anyone for months at a time. Just thinking about it makes my heart kinda twinge, like it's anticipating something being torn out of it. ugh. dramatic again, but true. I know the family won't go away because I'm separated from them, but it won't be the same again. It happened with the Seniors who left before me, and now it's gonna happen with me. Sad.
      Third, we are family because we lie to each other, we fight, we talk about each other meanly, we hide things from each other, we sabotage each other, we all don't completely trust every member of the family, yet somehow, we stay together. If we were just an ordinary group of friends, I've pretty sure we would have given up a LONG time ago. I got in one argument with a non theatre friend I had Sophomore year and it ruined our friendship. People in the theatre family get in multiple arguments a week and still be the best friends in the world. In just this year alone, tons of dramatic, angst ridden events have occurred, and we've all changed in some way, yet we still do the same kind of things with each other as we always have. We watch movies, hang out at each others house's, go out to dinner, talk about life, smile, laugh, and all the while, at least one member of the family is angry with another member. There is always a conflict, and even if it seems like it will tear us apart, it never does. It's the weirdest thing, but I think it proves we're a family. What normal group of friends would put up with so much fighting and drama? The only other group of people I know that does this is my flesh and blood family.
      Fourth, we are family because we've all started to act the same, coming from the same background in theatre and spending time with each other. We are a cohesive unit of inside jokes, quirky mannerisms, and common sayings. For more on this, see my note about SHS Theatre Kid Mannerisms. It's hard to believe but watch us for an hour, and you'll quickly see how true it is. We even move like each other and speak like each other. So weird and wonderful.
     I think that's all the reasons I have: love, need to be with each other, willingness to stay together no matter what, and the fact that we act like each other. I think there's moments when we even look like each other, like when we make similar facial expressions. I swear there's been moments where I see graduated Seniors in the faces of my friends, and for an instant, they're back again. There's also pictures of me and my friends where we literally look related. There's a group of us girls who are all blonde, so when we take pictures, we look like sisters. And we are, in a very real way.
     There's probably be other notes, ranting like this about how much I love my theatre family and how I feel so connected to them and how it's killing me to leave them and all that cliche stuff. The sthing about cliches, though, is that they're usually the truest things that people feel. This wouldn't be cliche if no one had even felt this or said things like this before. So, I think it's right. And we're a family. And these are my thoughts.

My perspective, which is also my attempt to put things into perspective.

  I have so much going through my head right now. I'm really trying to put things into perspective and not over dramatize because it's not a play on a stage. Ugh. Ah. OK. Wow. What a week. Something that might clue you in to the type of week I had is that I used strong, angry, and frustrated profanity more this week that I have in my entire life. So yeah. It was not a pretty 5 days. In fact, most things about it were ugly, except one really, REALLY awesome thing that happened. If you want to know about that, ask me personally. Sadly, I'm much more reluctant to share my good news on Facebook than I am talk about bad stuff on Facebook. Anyway, this is a note saying how I feel after this crazy week, and in some ways, this crazy year too. My perspective:
       First of all, I feel happy. I just want to say how much I appreciate the concern and support some of my friends have shown me this week. They didn't tell me how I shouldn't be upset and how I should stop being sad. They just listened to me, were there for me to vent when I needed them, and told me things were gonna be ok. It made me happy to see that I had people in my life who cared about me enough to just let me feel what I feel and listen to me, whether or not they thought I was acting right or wrong or smart or stupid. That's really awesome. So thanks :)
      Second, I feel upset at myself. Until this week, I thought I didn't like to trust people. But I realized this week that I actually do, because I trust people way too easily. When I say I trust people easily, though, that's not entirely what I mean. I don't trust everyone I meet. In fact, I guard myself and keep most of my thoughts inside. I think what I mean is this: If I really want to trust a person, I will trust him or her, even if I know subconsciously they don't deserve my trust. I will say things I know I shouldn't, I will reveal more than I should, and I will mess stuff up, making things awkward and crazy because I decided to show too much of my soul to the wrong person, who never should have learned those things about me. That is my fault. No one else is to blame for that.
      Third, I feel betrayed. And I didn't want to feel that way again, ever. The last time I felt this bad was Sophomore year, when someone was going around calling me a prostitute because I wouldn't date him and  my best friend told me she didn't trust me.
      Fourth, I feel like I've been treated like trash, used then thrown out. I used to think it's be nice if people would talk behind my back for once because that might mean they actually were affected by my actions and I might feel important. I was wrong. Completely wrong. It hurts like hell. I also thought that if people wanted me to do things for them, that meant they needed me and cared about me. Wrong again. Most of the time, it means they're using me and can easily replace me when I'm no longer useful or they find me annoying, clingy, and boring. I don't think I'm any of these things, so it hurts to be treated like so. On a related note...
      Fifth, I feel confused. I don't understand what exactly I did, how my actions and things I said led to this week. I know what mistakes I made internally: expecting too much, trusting, caring too much, assuming too much, thinking too much. But, I don't understand how any of those mistakes were played out in my everyday life. I thought I acted somewhat normally most of the time. I'm also confused because a lot of things in my life went in a downhill direction so fast I couldn't even stop them, just reach after them screaming "NOOOOOO!" This has happened once a year since I entered high school. So, I don't know what God is planning for my life, but I hope it's good, because I hurt so bad right now.
      Sixth, I feel helpless. I'm in a situation and I can't fix it. I just have to sit and see what happens. Most of it is my fault. I want a reset button for this, starting from January. If I could redo that all over again, I would keep my mouth shut, care a little less, and enjoy what I have a lot more. It's not all my fault though. I think this might be about truth. I realized my definition of acceptable truth has changed since Sunday. It's not just "not telling a lie." It's telling the whole truth when someone asks for it or telling nothing at all. Half truths are lies too, because they can still conceal something important, something a person should know or should not know. It might also be about communication. I like to communicate with friends when I think they should know something about me, but I've realized that not everyone feels the same way.
     Seventh and finally, there really aren't adequate words to explain all I feel right now. Someone once told me that my strengths were my intelligence, caring a lot about other people, understanding others, and being determined. Well, these strengths turned out to be weaknesses in a way. Intelligence: I think too much. I over-analyze everything. Caring: I care too much. Understanding: I understand too much. I let people get away with treating me like dirt and still, I understand and forget the past, which gets me hurt. Determined: I was too determined. The person who told me my strengths also told me not restrict myself to being just the smart girl, to be more confident with dealing with other people, and to show people who I really am. Well, I tried to do that. I was determined to make my voice heard and reach for what I really wanted, showing the world that Liz Humphrey is not just a smart girl, but someone who feels, cares, wants, and lives. That didn't work out too well. I reached too far for what I wanted, I showed too much of who I really am, and I got hurt. So, can I click the reset button now and make everything good again? No, because that button doesn't exist. Can I go to sleep now? Yes. Yes, I can. That's my perspective tonight.

There are breaking points.

  This is basically just some scattered thoughts I had while on my cruise last week. It's now time to get them out of my brain because I have a little time to write. Sigh. Seeing parts of the world so radically different from home made me never want to come home again. Right now, I'm feeling dissatisfied with everything and out of place because the richness of the culture and diversity of the people in Europe and Africa appeared so much more beautiful and fascinating than in the US. I don't know whether it was just because it was a new experience, but I really, really want to go back there. Like, today. This moment. I felt at home in foreign countries. And I want to go see more of the world ASAP. (Confession: I'm not gonna lie, about a fifth of the reason for me wanting to go back is the quantity of attractive guys I saw in Spain).
         Though I feel a little discontented at home, I missed everyone A LOT while I was in foreign countries. I realized just how much my friends have infiltrated my life. I would look at things and think what they would be saying if they were with me. It was this weird sort of conversation I was having inside my head with people who weren't there. Kinda crazy, but true. My family got a little mad at me at the beginning of the trip because about half of my trains of thought would lead back to lines from plays, inside jokes that I couldn't share with my family, and other moments I remembered from times I shared with friends. I wish I could've brought everyone with me on the trip so I could really share everything with you guys, but the pictures I upload in about 6 weeks will have to do.
         I'm a creepy person. People who know me well know this. Well, my creepiness rose to new heights during this trip because it's much easier to eavesdrop on people they think you don't know their language. Yes, that's right. I spied on all the Spaniards I saw at the airport and on the plane home. And I grew strangely attached to them. I actually miss them a little because I liked their personalities. I gave them all very unoriginal nicknames. There was this one guy who looked like a professor. I called him "The Professor." The Professor, the "Bald Guy," the "Bald Guy's Shy Wife," and the "Businessman" were one group of people I eavesdropped on for two hours in the boarding pass line. They were making fun of American tourists with their shorts and cameras in Las Ramblas, the touristy area of Barcelona. They were also talking about the stock market at one point, I think. I'm not exactly sure. They spoke rapid fire Spanish.
         I also spied on The Pinker Tones, a band from Barcelona that happened to be on our flight, and also happened to sit near from us on the plane. One guy in particular from the band, Chris, sat right diagonally from me, and of course, he was the cutest one in the band. Needless to say, I took pictures of him, awake and asleep, and also took pictures of the book he was reading. (One chapter was titled "The Summer of Love"?)  I know-creepy. I also listened to the 20 minute conversation he and my dad had before we landed in New York. I really wish I could go to their concert in Chicago in two weeks, but unfortunately, it's on the opening night of my play. Sad. I wanted to see Chris again, and maybe actually meet him this time instead of stalking him. I feel bad for being so creepy, but hey, what else was I supposed to do while waiting in lines for 2 hours and then sitting on a plane for 9 hours? So, this is a public apology to the Pinker Tones and The Professor, the Bald Guy, the Bald Guy's Shy Wife, and the Businessman. I'm sorry for stalking you all.
       Now the actual semi-deep thoughts. Have you ever wanted something so much you shudder when you think about it? Chills run down your spine and you feel afraid and hopeful at the same time. Then you sigh because your entire being wants it so bad. I'm not talking about a person, necessarily. It could be an experience, an object, an abstract idea, or anything. but you want it. More than anything in the entire world. Now you don't get the thing you want and something snaps. Ugh. That is pain. That is loss. That hurts. This is the breaking point. After this point, something in you seals over with stone. You become numb. It doesn't matter because it hurts if it matters. Feeling numb, you move on, changed and scared to want anything so bad again. I went through this kind of thing this September. It was so bad. Now, I want something again, and it doesn't look like I'm going to get it. This time, I think I'm moving into the numb stage right away, even though I haven't been denied the thing I want yet. I really don't want to do that, but I'm terrified of feeling that pain and loss again. Terrified. So, I feel kinda dead inside right now.
       Breaking points also happen with me with people; friends, family, essentially anyone I love. I knew this before, but I didn't know what to call it until recently thinking about this whole breaking point idea. Before the breaking point, you care about a person more than is healthy. You would hand them the world if you could. Then, something happens and you snap. It hurts a lot more than simply losing an object, an experience, or an abstract idea. During a breaking point with a person, I have cried and screamed like a soul in complete and utter torment in the deepest circle of hell, saying basically (though in a lot more words) "Screw you, person. Screw you for breaking me." Then, it seals over like a grave, and numbness sets in.     
       It's a weird thing, though, because in the numb phase, the person still matters to you. But it's different. The feeling is muted significantly. The feeling is not gone irrevocably because sometimes it comes back, and it's like a tidal wave crashing on your life. Most of the time, however, it's like this: You're sitting in a room with lots of people you know. Some are acquaintances, some close friends, and some family. Your eye scans over the crowd and you see that one person. Your eye rests on them a little bit longer, because when you see them, you remember when that person was one of the most important people in your life. You remember the extreme joy that seeing their face brought to your day. You remember what it felt like to want to give the world to him or her. You remember these things, but these things don't happen now. All you feel is the normal, everyday compassion and care you feel for any of your friends. You look at them nostalgically for another moment and then your eyes move onto look at other people in the room. It's like that.
      OK, that was cathartic. I'm so tired. I have to go to sleep now. I have a scholarship interview in the morning. So, goodnight.

This is an interesting topic, I feel.

So I'm starting to realize there's a theme that's completely encompassed the past four years of my life and is continuing to encompass it. And while that theme is a positive one, generally, it has made the last four years an emotional roller coaster like none other. Which, I suppose, is natural because I'm a teenage girl and hormones are weird. Whatever. That's not the point. And that doesn't make the theme any less valid. The theme, ladies and gentlemen, is love. Love, not as in showing respect and compassion to everyone, but as in deeply and truly caring about people you're close to, friendship, family, and significant other love. Throughout high school, especially the last two years, the theme of my life has been this kind of love, experiencing it and giving it and receiving it. It's ironic, though, that I still I have no idea what love is all about. It's the craziest thing in the world. 1st Corinthians 13 and other passages of the Bible spell out the basics pretty clearly, but application and experience are so different than just reading about it. Every time I think I have love all figured out, I see an aspect of it that I don't understand and my mind and heart don't know what to do. This note is just a bunch of random things I've learned and questions I still have about love, this utterly mysterious thing. (It's probably mysterious because I'm over thinking it, but that's me haha)
      First things: You can love your friends. I know. This is shocking. This didn't really hit me until high school.  I always felt really attached to my friends in elementary school and junior high, but I didn't really put a name on it. I now know that what I felt was love, and so now, I can say I love my friends, as close as family if not closer in some ways.This provides a perfect segue into the second thing which is...
      Second thing: I'm one of those people who doesn't like to say "I love you": unless they really mean it. Like everyone, I say it jokingly but only occasionally. For the most part, when I tell someone I love him/her, I mean it. From the depths of my heart, I care about that person and would probably do just about anything for him/her. So if you've ever been really creepy and wondered why I don't say that to people often, it's because I really mean it when I say it. I think this makes me awkward sometimes, and that's related to the third thing.
      Third thing: Love scares people to death because of the ways it can make you feel. Giving it makes you vulnerable, which no one likes. Ever. Receiving it makes you feel good because it means you're special to someone, but if you don't feel the same way about the person who loves you, it also can make you feel guilty. I know people have loved me and valued me more than I have loved them, and I have loved and valued people more than they love me. Whenever this happens, it is hurtful to both sides, more so to the person who loves more, but also a little bit to the person who doesn't love as much. It brings feelings of guilt, and I'm not sure there's a way to cure these feelings because...
      First question: When it comes to this kind of love, can you really choose who you love and to what extent you love them? When the Bible says to love your enemies, I think that involves a conscious decision to treat them with compassion and respect and kindness that are due to everyone. We should love everyone in this way. The friendship and family love also entails this. I think, however, there's an added element of emotional closeness that's unique to family and friendship love that grows through shared experiences or meshing personality traits or being attracted to something in that person. You can't make a conscious decision to have that "chemistry,"  for lack of a better term. So, if someone doesn't care about as much as you care about them, I'm not sure it's your fault or the other person's fault. Maybe you just can't help who you love and to what extent you love them. I don't know. I'm open to other answers.
     Second question: If you knew someone loved you unconditionally and would do anything for you, would that make you more or less likely to treat him or her kindly and lovingly? I think less likely. I know this sounds bad, but I think I've observed this in my actions towards people that love me and the actions of people I love towards me. When someone loves you completely and supports you fully, I think you take that person for granted. You feel free to go ahead and love other people whose love is harder to get. You treat these people better because you have to pursue them. The people who's love comes easily are uninteresting. Less intriguing and fun, perhaps. I don't know. I wonder sometimes what would my reaction would be if my mom told me she didn't love me anymore because I treated her less kindly than I treat my friends. I wonder how some people in my life would react if I told them I didn't want to be their friend anymore because I think they take me for granted. Both of these situations will never happen, but I still wonder.
      Fifth and last thing, for tonight anyway: I think you can love a friend of the opposite gender with your whole heart, be incredibly close to this person and still not want to date or marry him/her. I'm not saying it isn't confusing and weird at times but I've confronted this issue at least twice in the very recent past and come to this conclusion. It's possible. I'm not sure why people think it's so incredibly different from a best friend of the same gender. I know there are obvious gender differences and therefore barriers to communication and so there's tension sometimes and awkwardness. I think it's possible, though, because I can think of at least 3 friendships in my life right now and even more in other people's lives where this holds true. As a matter of fact, I often feel more comfortable with my guy friends because I have three brothers and also because guys are just more fun and laid back most of the time (sorry girls).

I have more thoughts, but I've officially procrastinated for an hour and it's time to study for my psych test :)