Musings from New York

I didn't want to go to New York the day after Christmas. I was tired from all the Christmas festivties, I hadn't stayed home during break for 5 years, and I just wanted to be with my friends. But, I'm glad I went to New York for two reasons. First, family is important. Nothing should overshadow that. Second, there are some  things I wanted to think about and it's better if I think about them while I'm away with no outside factors to influence me and fewer distractions. 12 hour drives are really good thinking times :) One of the things I've been thinking about is interfering. Some people, me included, are very perceptive and can analyze their friends and interpret their motives and feelings. I'm not gonna lie, it's fun. However, it's not ok to interfere based on what I interpret. In my opinion, it's ok to see what other people feel and think. But I would never, ever bring up something I see to a friend unless he or she asked me to give my thoughts or advice. I would never, ever try to make something happen before it's supposed to happen. Sometimes, interfering like that can ruin whatever might have happened. It might have been wonderful and amazing. It might have worked out perfectly. But because someone interfered, it won't. It's awkward because now it's an issue of pressure instead of free will. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: Keep your mouths shut and please don't tell people what they should do with their lives even if you have an idea of what they should do. I know it's tempting, especially when something seems so clear and right, but nothing is ever that simple. Things are always complicated. Also, people like to make decisions based on what they feel, not based on what others say they should do.  If you tell someone what should happen, it lessens the chance of it happening. And someone will get hurt. Like me. That's just one of the things I've been thinking about while in New York.

So, about that New Year's resolution.

I've never made a New Year's resolution before, and I'm not going to start now. No one I know who's made a New Year's resolution has kept it anyway. They just end up regretting the fact that they didn't keep it, and the thing is, I'm done with regrets. Last year was awful. Not all of it was awful, but most of it. The first six months of 2010, I sat around not doing the things I should have done and doing the things I should not have done. The first six months, I waited for life to come to me because I was scared to reach out for it and when it didn't come to me, I got sad, frustrated, then really angry. Then, during the summer,  I sat around regretting everything I'd done and not done during the beginning of the year. Still waiting for life to come to me, during those 3 months I was a mess of regret, anger at God, and self pity. It was indescribably ugly and it was quite enough.
         So, I don't have a resolution for 2011, but I have a wish, actually, a prayer. I pray for no regrets 2011. This is my senior year. I'm mildly ok with looking back on my junior year and thinking, "Wow, that was awful," because honestly, everyone's junior year is awful. I'm not  ok with looking back at my senior year and thinking it was awful because this is it. The last 3 months of 2010, (October, November, December) were the best months of my life because I went out in search of life, leaving my fears with God and spending time with the people I love. Though my regrets from earlier in the year still haunted the back of my mind, I was having too much fun to notice them! I want that to continue throughout next year. I want to do the things I should do and not do the things I shouldn't. I want to live life to the fullest and have no regrets afterwards, or at least, have as few regrets as possible. I don't know how that's all going to work out, but I'm praying it will. The thing about resolutions is, there's no room for God. It's just me working it out on my own, resolved to do something that may or may not be in my human grasp. If I pray, though, it's in God's hands, not mine, and He can do some pretty amazing things. So, Lord, I pray that this year, my actions would glorify you and that I would grow in relationship with you. I pray that I would be a better daughter, sister and friend. And I pray that when next New Years comes around, that I will have no regrets. Amen :)


What's your prayer for 2011?

Buettner Family Scrabble Version 2.0

So, we get out a Scrabble board, form teams, and make up words. No points, no one wins, we all win, because we're making up new words. This is my family. We are awesome. Worship at our feet. If you care to see all the other words we've made up, see my note entitled "Buettner Family Scrabble."

Brermic-proper noun, a beard enhancement cream
Duwai-proper noun, a country off the coast of Arabia
enhala- noun, that rare moment when a person inhales and says hello at the same time
eshalef-noun, Hebrew slang for dirty monkey, used as an insult
EUJA-proper noun, organization, stands for European Union of Jews and Anglicans
EZitma-proper noun, the website for Zitma (see Zitma definition_
fient-adjective, what sweaty feet smell like
flande-verb, cooking a chicken the Flemish way
gofie-1. noun, police slang for a bad con artist, stands for Giving Obviously False Identities Everywhere
        -2. noun, a baby gopher
grisp-noun, a very weak grasp
grye-noun, a disorder in which while crying, instead of sobbing, one makes a grinding noise
igga- noun, a very small igloo
kreng- noun, a Korean style typeface
Krevio-proper noun, a popular East Asian teen drama
lun-noun, a half lunge
nose-verb, to smack your nose against someone as an insult, "She just nosed you!"
osiben-noun, the offspring of an ostrich and a bison
osibent-noun, a baby osiben
oya-slang term, shortening of Oh, Yes.
RETA-proper noun, stands for Really Entertaining Talking Animals, the actors union of popular characters on childrens television programs and movies
Spaq-proper noun, the Shaquille O'Neill sponsored brand of Spanx, a type of hosiery
Spaqi, proper noun, Shaq's Spaqs for kids
textvic-noun, the time when a person is convicted for a crime based on a text message
Toowop-proper noun, a disease in which a person's lips are allergic to each other
UHOD, proper noun, an organization, stands for the United Hobbits of Denmark
walie-noun, a small wall for children, used to keep them from falling down stairs, entering rooms, etc.
yirmin-noun, yeti vermin
Zitma-proper noun, a zit zapper medication for middle aged women with kids

My brain turns on right before I go to bed

And I need to write my thoughts down before I lose them. Tonight, my brain is thinking about years. I think how four years ago right now, I was still in 8th grade with braces and hair down to the middle of my back. I wrote my first song that December, a little one, nothing special. It was a beginning, or rather, the beginning of a beginning and an ending, since I wrote it out of sadness and fear of having to leave the comfort of 8th grade and go into the big scary world of high school, which turned out to be both scary and not as scary as I had imagined it would be.
        I think how three years ago right now, I was still reeling from the excitement and exhaustion that followed Rumors, my first high school play. I had no clue, no clue what I was getting myself into by doing that first show. Heck, I still don't know what I got myself into by trying out for that show. That was another beginning, the beginning of a theatre family that is in some ways closer than my flesh and blood family. It is one of the most confounding and most amazing things God has ever sent my way.
      I think how two years ago right now, I was hiding in a little shell, afraid to come out, a little sophomore who didn't really know what to do. I was focusing on a friendship that didn't last as long as I hoped it would and was very self consumed. It was the beginning of nothing, because I was so entrenched in my bubble of my own insecurities. I don't remember much about this winter. To be perfectly honest, I remember little about sophomore year until March, when I got into the spring play and my theatre family was there again.
     I think how one year ago right now, I was in love and it was so wonderful. I played Belle, Scrooge's girlfriend in A Christmas Carol, and I felt alive and full of holiday joy and love, like Belle was the night she met Scrooge. Everything was beautiful and nothing else mattered. I don't even remember what I got for Christmas last year, except a single text message on Christmas morning while I was eating breakfast at my grandma's house. It was the beginning of a terrible 7 months of heartache and anger at God,  culminating in a terrible summer in which I writhed in the hell fires of self pity and regret. Also, last December, I hugged my Opa goodbye for the last time. But, good came out of the craziness.
      I think how this year right now, I am me. I am the most myself I have ever been in my life. I was just in my last comedy at SHS, which makes me a little melancholy, but I still have my theatre family by my side, making me laugh all the time and teaching me to trust friendships again. My church family surrounds me with encouragement and prayer, and of course my flesh and blood family gives me more love than I deserve every day. I am 18, going on the rest of my life, looking forward to going to college next year, wherever that is. God and I (mostly God) are still working out the ginormous kinks in our relationship caused by last year's angst and it'll take time, because I was mad for a long time. Thank goodness for God's patience with me and my learning heart. I'm sufficiently tired now, all my thoughts out of my head. Time to sleep.

My Thoughts On Some Issues

I think a lot, and sometimes, I just need to get these thoughts out on paper, or on a screen in this case. Otherwise, I'll go crazy. So, here's some things I've been thinking about recently. Don't read too much meaning into them, please. These are purely random thoughts that have little or no connection to anything going on in my life right now.
1. The age old question-Would you date someone you've been friends with first or not?
I saw this one on Facebook a couple days ago. My answer: Yes. For me, I would much rather date someone I've been friends with before, because I would only feel comfortable dating someone I trust and it takes time for me to trust a person. It takes some of the history that comes with friendship, not deep friendship necessarily, just regular "we hang out and talk sometimes" friendship. The man I marry will be my best friend for life, so if I'm not good friends with a guy before we date, it makes me question why I'm even dating him since dating is essentially the first step towards marriage, as crazy as that sounds. Now, do I believe that that there's some people who should not date their friends? YES! My group of friends is very dramatic and there's been some issues with inter-dating that have caused huge divides in the group for months at a time. Not good. So, would I date a friend? Yes. Should everyone date their friends? No.
2. The political sphere right now is ridiculous. Politicians for both parties are arguing with each other with the same amount of dignity as a bunch of preschool girls fighting over a pretty doll. They can't say anything without blaming another group for their problems and some of their policies are so radical that no one in their right mind will accept them. Seriously, people, grow up and find a middle ground. I know this might be hard for some of you to grasp, but people will vote for you if you get things done instead of bickering. If you want power and you want to stay in office, start doing something right.
3. The computer might become the incarnation of evil. It might replace books forever, it might cause everyone to become obese, and it might take over the world. But most likely not. I have a hard time buying into the idea that computers and the Internet are all terrible things that suck people's brains out of their skulls and cause them to become illiterate, fat, and stupid. I am example a.
4.That being said, people need to read books. I believe the only reason I am "smart" by some standards is because I began reading at the age of 4 and continue reading a lot. Reading stimulates the mind, specifically the imagination, and when the imagination gets going, good things happen. Everyone reading this right now, go grab a book. That's what I'm going to do right now.

Things I Should Have Said A Long Time Ago

Dear Friend Who Doesn't Talk to Me as Much as He/She Used to,
Hi! How are you tonight? I'm doing ok myself. It's been a long time since we've had a meaningful conversation and there's some things I just want to tell you and questions I'd like to ask. First, I miss you. I miss hanging out and talking with you. I miss just being with you because you are a really fun person to be around. Why did you change how you acted towards me? We used to text every night and talk all the time, and then you just stopped. It kinda hurts because I don't understand why, and I'm wondering, did I do something wrong?  Did I do anything that scared you away or made you angry or creeped you out or bored you to death? if I did, I'm sorry. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to at times or the most fun and amazing person in the world. In fact, I'm sometimes extremely awkward or even mean so I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. I know it's summer and we're both busy. I know I haven't had many or even any classes with you at school in the past few years. I know it's hard to be friends with someone who you don't see naturally everyday. That doesn't mean I want to let the friendship die. I should probably make more of an effort to see you but the fact that you aren't making an effort either makes me ask: Are you really my friend and if not, how do you really feel about me? You used to ask me lots of questions about me , how I was or how my day was going. I would then respond and ask about you and the conversation would go on and on for hours. Lately, I have to keep asking questions about you and how you're doing to have a conversation with you, and even when I do that, the conversation is so one-sided because I'm asking you all these questions about you and you're not asking any about me.  It's kinda awkward and tiring, and I feel like I'm being nosy, but I want to talk to you so I do it anyway. Do you not want to talk to me, or do you just not care about me and would rather talk about you? One of the things I loved about our friendship is that I thought you actually cared about me and how I felt and how your actions affected me, that you wanted to hang out with me and spend time with me because you liked me for who I was. That's how I feel about my friends so I guess I expected the same from you. Maybe that was an unrealistic expectation because friendship means something different to you? I don't know. Anyway, I still care about you, and I still want to be your friend. I don't, however, want to waste my time caring about a friend who doesn't want to be my friend. So, just let me know what's going on, please. I'd really like to know. You are a fantastic person and I'm really glad I got to be your friend even if it was only for a little while.
~Liz :)

I'm don't pretend to understand any of this

I've told a lot of people how weird my dreams are, but I don't know if anyone believes me. So, here are the three dreams I had last night, not the weirdest dreams I've had, but pretty strange. The last one is probably the strangest of the three :)

Number 1: I'm in the auditorium of SHS. Me and my friends Jimmy, Ryan, and Lauren are onstage practicing a tap dance/bow staff dance routine for the summer variety show (which does not exist). I'm having trouble learning the routine. Mr. McGlynn, choir teacher, yells at us to get off stage and let some other people practice. Jimmy begs him for one last practice runand so we do it then go backstage. I see a poster for musical auditions then start talking to this random girl about how nervous I am. I say to the girl, "You know, I thought this was a dream, but it can't be a dream because there's a sign for musical auditions." We walk out of backstage and around to where the stairs go up to the auditorium. There's a quartet playing music, and I tell the random girl, "You know, this must be a dream because if I was in a real variety show I would be in the quartet and not in a tap dancing group. I play violin, I don't tap dance." Suddenly, a cello appears in my hand and I start playing scales. The cello player of the quartet gives me a really mean look. A hall monitor comes up to me speaking gibberish. I tell her to go to the gym. Another hall monitor comes up to me. She looks like my great aunt Florence from Canada . She tells me "Don't put your teeth together when you tap dance because then all your gold fillings will fall out." I say "You remind me of my great-aunt Florence." She says "Oh that's nice dear, but I can't be your aunt because I'm Canadian." I yell "I'm a Canadian citizen!" and a crowd gathers around me and starts applauding. The hall monitor who looks like my aunt suddenly opens her mouth wider than humanly possible, and roars/laughs. I see that all of her teeth have gold fillings. End of dream 1.

Dream 2: I’m a friend of this couple who have been trying to have kids for a long time. The wife is really depressed all the time because she doesn’t have children. Finally, they have twins. I’m invited over to their house to see the babies. When I get there, I discover that one of the twins died, but the husband didn’t tell his wife because he didn’t want her to be depressed again. Instead, he made a robot child to replace the baby. As the years pass, the human child grows up healthy and strong but the robot is weak and can’t do the things his “brother” can. The mother doesn’t notice somehow, even though they don’t look like twins at all. I go yell at the husband to tell his wife the truth because she can’t love a robot for the rest of her life. End of dream 2.

Dream 3: I’m watching TV in a living room that’s not my living room. An infomercial comes on, advertising an old kid's TV show called Caillou that my brothers used to watch. It explains how in the first seasons, the stories of Caillou would be intertwined with stories about the adventures of Caillou’s his teddy bear, plastic dinosaur, and pet cat. During the third season, the creators decided to ditch the adventures of the bear, dinosaur, and cat because they felt it interrupted the flow of Caillou’s development as a child. The announcer says “Now for a limited time, you can buy all 10 seasons of Caillou for only $19.95, and we’ll throw in the Muppet Christmas Carol collection for free!” All of a sudden, I’m in one of the older episodes of Caillou in a story about the teddy bear (his name was Teddy) Teddy decides to take home a bunch of frogs eggs from a pond and let them hatch and grow up in Caillou’s room. There’s over 1000 little frogs! The baby frogs think Teddy’s their father. Now, one of the frogs is really nice and loves humans but the rest of these frogs are really evil. They want to kill humans because humans are destroying their habitats and crushing other frog eggs. When Teddy tries to take all of the frogs back to the pond where he found them, the evil ones realize that they’re losing their only chance kill Caillou’s family so they refuse to leave. Teddy takes them back home because he loves them. The nice frog sees what the evil frogs are trying to do so he comes to me and warns me. I go to the Schaumburg Airport and form a task force to get rid of the evil frogs. With my task force and the nice frog, I storm into Caillou’s house and go straight to his bedroom. Teddy’s lying comatose on the bed and all the evil frogs are on the pillow whispering lies in his ear. There’s a bunch of crushed tomatoes on the floor and the evil frogs are telling Teddy that the tomatoes are frog’s eggs that Caillou and his parents stomped on. They’re trying to convince Teddy to smother Caillou in his sleep. The nice frog stands up tall and shouts “Teddy! These are all lies! They just want to kill humans! “ The evil frogs are arrested, Teddy doesn't smother Caillou, the nice frog goes back to the pond, and the day is saved. The last scene in the dream shows a papa frog, mama frog, and their daughter and their son. The nice frog, who is now wearing a White Sox baseball cap, is dating their daughter, and comes over for dinner one night. At dinner, the papa frog says “You know, I hate those humans. I wish I could kill them all.” After dinner, the nice frog and his girlfriend are walking in the park holding hands and he says to her “I hope the fact that I love humans won’t be an issue with your father.” His girlfriend laughs and they walk into the sunset and live happily ever after. End of dream three.

Pam Beesly Rant

Remember that old episode of the Office, maybe in season 3, where Pam walks over the coals then tells everyone exactly what she’s feeling, that she misses Jim and that she’s upset no one came to her art show, because she’s trying to be more honest? I wish I could do something like that. I don’t like telling people how I’m really feeling. I usually avoid real emotional discussion at all costs. Sure, I’ll listen to other people telling me their feelings,, and I’ll offer advice if I have it, but I really, really don’t like to talk to anyone about how I’m feeling, except for maybe my mom and dad, and even then they usually have to ask me how I’m feeling before I’ll tell them anything. The reasons for this are probably lame but they are reasons.

First, weird, awful things happen when I tell people how I feel. I’ve started crying, which makes everyone including me feel uncomfortable because I don’t cry in public, ever. Really close friendships have drifted apart because nothing could be the same when we knew what we really felt about each other. I’ve gotten strange looks from friends, usually pity looks, that “poor child” look. I don’t like these things, and so I don’t like telling people what I really feel about them or how I feel about life in general.

Second, few people actually validate my feelings and let me know that it’s ok to feel that way. They tell me where my thought process is messed up or how the person whose actions made me feel this way is an evil, rotten person with no soul, so I really shouldn’t feel angry or sad because it’s all just a figment of my wild imagination. Why is it not ok to feel sad or angry and just be that way? Just let me feel what I’m feeling, please, and don’t try to tell me where I messed up, because odds are, I already know it and that’s part of the reason why I feel angry or sad!

Third, if I share my feelings, there’s always that person who interrupts me, saying “I understand,” and then tells me a lengthy story about a similar experience happened to them and how they emerged stronger and better. Now, for others, that might be helpful, but for me, that just lets me know that they would rather talk about themselves then listen to me. I get that they might have felt what I’m feeling in the past, but I’m feeling it now. It’s not that I’m dismissing their input or advice or wisdom, but when I tell people what I’m feeling, I just need someone to listen to me, someone to say, “I’m here for you. Keep talking,” then afterwards, ask me if I’d like to hear their story. That’s a much more gentle way to share the wisdom.

Fourth and finally, I don’t share my feelings because no one asks. Like I said before, I will only tell my parents how I’m feeling if they ask, and the same goes for everyone else. Mostly, it’s my fault that no one asks because I don’t give them reason to. I think I put on a pretty good show because I don’t want anyone to ask, acting like a intelligent, emotionless, asexual robot, especially in school where academics rule my life. Sure, I might get competitive or riled up over a game in Spanish class or happy or upset about a Calculus grade, but my personal life rarely makes it to the classroom. I put on my school face then take it off as soon as I get on the bus. The same goes for church and anywhere else I go in public. I’m sneaky too because it’s not just as simple as asking me how I am. If someone asks ‘”How are you?” I don’t often say how I’m feeling. If I ever respond with “I’m good,” “I’m ok,” or “I’m fine,” I’m definitely not either of those things emotionally but I am physically! Oh, clever me :P For me to tell someone how I’m feeling, they have to ask how I’m feeling, not just how I am. That way, if I don’t tell them how I am emotionally, I will be lying, and I hate lying.

After writing this, I see that I’m a ridiculously complicated person with ridiculous expectations, but then, I guess everyone is in a different way. So, just in case anyone’s been wondering all these years if I were really just an intelligent, emotionless, asexual robot, I’m not. I’m a teenage girl who feels things, feels a lot of things, and who’s moderately good at acting. Moral of the story: if you’re ever curious to know how I’m feeling, or what I really feel about you, then please ask me, please listen, please don’t judge me, and please don’t act weird afterwards. This is my Pam Beesly rant for today :)