I realized four things just now.
First, I just realized haven't written a note in a really long time. It's not because I haven't had anything to write about, but more because I've been so busy! It's been a crazy few months in the life of Liz Humphrey, starting college and such. I love college and mostly everything about it: my floor, my roommate, my classes, my professors, my school, and my city! It's all wonderful. Admittedly, there's things that aren't so great about it. The food at Loyola is nothing compared to home food, and I'm so looking forward to not eating at a dining hall next year. I also miss my best friends. I'm becoming really close with my roommate and she's becoming one of my best friends, and of course I have my awesome friend/sister Cait that I met at Bio Boot Camp, but most of the other friends I've made are just exactly that-friends. Good friends, but not the best friends I had from high school. I think my high school friends and I have done a good job of staying in touch and involved in each other's lives. In fact, the distance has in some ways made me closer to some people, but still. It's sad when a person is just a voice on a telephone or words on a screen instead of a flesh and blood person I used to see every single day. But despite those things, college is great! I highly recommend it :)

Second, I realized wrote a note a year ago today. In that note, I had a prayer that 2011 would be a year of no regrets. And I'm happy to report that strangely, that wish actually kinda came true, though not in the way I expected it to come true. in 2010, I regretted a lot of my decisions, decisions that were made from January 2010 until the last days of December 2010. I still kinda regret those decisions and if given the chance, I would make different choices: maybe say things differently or not say things at all, be friends with different people, focus on the important things instead of the little things I focused on. In contrast, when I look at 2011, I can't really think of anything I would do differently. I mean, of course there's one or two things i wish I hadn't done, and do I wish some things hadn't happened the way they did? Heck yes!!! But, the choices I made didn't really make those things happen. They were the results of choices made by other people, and I had no control. As a whole, I lived 2011 exactly how I would live it if I could go back and do it over again. It was the end of high school and the beginning of college, and everything worked out pretty great in the end. The most important thing is that God brought my heart closer to Him again, and it'd been far away for so long, probably longer than I even knew. This year has taught me how to love Him again without certain people in my life helping me love Him. He blessed me beyond imagining, and even when He wasn't giving me what I wanted, He gave me what I needed. He's the reason why, for the first time in my life, I think I can look back on a year and have absolutely no regrets. Now let's do that again this year!!! :)

Third, I've realized how much a year has changed me. I'm looking at a journal entry I wrote a year ago today, and I'm laughing at how my perception of certain people has changed. I'm laughing at the things I thought I knew and the absolute idiot I made of myself by thinking to know so much. It's just so strange. This year was first for me because it's a year of no regrets, but it's also a first in that I really feel older. I look at my writing from last year and feel old. I am fully aware that by every standard out there, I'm still so so so so young, but still. I feel like I know more than I did at this time and that's made me different. I know how to love people better. I know to think in different ways. I know myself better. It's not that I know more facts about loving or thinking or myself, because I don't think I do. It's just that I've lived another year. It's more experience. Experiences change you, and I've experienced this year. Maybe it's actually wisdom. Not knowledge. As we said in Honors lecture last semester, the difference between knowledge and wisdom is experience. Maybe I've grown a tiny bit wiser and that's why I feel older.

Fourth, I realized there's few things I want to change this year. Number One: Loving Others. I've gotten better at it. I want to be even better at it. I feel like that's something that I want to be known for, is someone who loves her friends, family, and everyone she meets and shows that love every chance she gets. Someone who has compassion for everyone and never gives up on anyone. In 2012, I want to continue becoming that person.  Number Two: Trusting. I'm so bad at trusting people to be honest with me. I think I'm probably the most paranoid person in the world, because there's times when I feel that everyone secretly hates me and is annoyed by my presence. That needs to stop and I need to let that go, and realize that my friends' lives do not revolve around me, so they don't all spend their time plotting against me haha :) I also need to trust God more. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. Thought I did, but I don't. So, I need to trust Him to show me what He wants me to do, and not panic over a future I can't see. I also need to trust that someday, He'll give me what I want most, and at that time, it'll finally also be what I need. in 2012, I'm gonna continue learning to trust others. Number Three: Loving Myself. I've noticed that I've gotten really good at hating myself. Too good. If you ask me, I could give a very long and angst ridden list of the physical, emotional, and mental things I dislike about myself. Occasionally, I think that the list of things I dislike is incredibly ridiculous and of course there's plenty to like about me. Starting with the fact that God made me and I'm the only one of me anywhere in the universe. But, more often than not, I just accept the list as fact. I need to start loving who I am, because I will continue to be the most insecure, paranoid person if I can't love myself for who I am and who I'm made to be. I will continue to feel like everyone secretly hates me if I already hate myself. I need to see myself how the people who truly love me see me. That's going to take some work, especially since in my heart, I'm not sure I'll love myself until, well, I walk down an aisle in a fancy white dress to be with someone who loves me enough to spend the rest of his life with me. But, I can't wait that long to like myself the way I am, because it hurts me to hate myself. It hurts me so much to think I'm worthless and inferior. Thinking that affects everything I do negatively. So, in 2012, I want to learn to love myself. Which sounds really arrogant and prideful to write down, but I'm not sure it's arrogant and prideful at all.

So, I'm asking God for 2012 to be another year of no regrets, and a year where I work on the three things mentioned above. And hopefully, it'll be an even better year that 2011 was :)

Why I'm Insane Today

  So, I keep having dreams about the end of the world. Last night, it involved scary pumpkins and I think Indiana Jones was there too. Dreams are so weird. In the past week, I've dreamed about pottery classes on the fifth floor of Regis, helping Daniel Craig with his taxes, and sailing a ship down highway 90. Dreams make sleeping fun. I always feel a bit nutty when I wake up because of how random dreams my dreams are.
     I feel insane because I'm trapped in this strange pattern of thought, ideas, and emotions. For the third year in a row, I'm following this pattern. And this time, I really, really should know better. I should change the way I think and I feel, and stubbornly resist this downward spiral that's gotten me nothing but angst and various other problems for two years. If I try the same process on the same problem twice and it doesn't work, my common sense says to stop in my tracks and try something different... but part of me still wants that spiral. It's comfortable. It's familiar. And it's nice for awhile. Ugh.
     In some ways, I think I prefer dreams to reality. The farther away and less possible something is, the more I like it, want it and hope for it. Yet when the dream actually starts coming true, I freak out. I love the random dreams I have at night because they're impossible. But when they start becoming realistic and less random, I get scared and the dreams become nightmares. This applies to dreams I have for life too. The possibility of med school has sounded so nice for so long because it's been so far removed and because I've loved doctoring and healing since I can remember. Now, the idea of med school is soon entering the stage where I need to take steps to make it reality and I want to run screaming because it scares me now. Back to insanity, the pattern I've got myself into is a pattern of dreaming that's gotten me nowhere, but maybe I'm resisting it so much because I'm scared the third time will be the charm, that the pattern is getting me somewhere this time. it scares me to death, I don't know what to do, and I want to run screaming away.
      This note is purposely vague. I don't want Facebook to know my thoughts. I just need to get this out of my head so I can make sense of it. And I think I have made sense of it. I just need to identify what exactly I want. And then I need to pray, listen to the Holy Spirit telling me what's right, and then do what I need to do. I should stop thinking about what's happened in the past because as someone reminded me recently, the past only exists in my mind. I also should forget any fear because as always, God's got me covered. I feel better now. Yay for catharsis on the Internet!

Trippy Dreams

These were my dreams the past two nights. I don't understand.

Tornado:

Sitting in my kitchen with my friend Matt, looking out as a storm approaches. Suddenly, there's a tornado reaching down to touch the ground. It slowly approaches. Matt has now turned into my brother AJ, and we're just sitting there watching the tornado. I decide it's time to yell for my dad and he comes running, and then tells me that it'll be fine. The tornado touches down in my backyard and leaves a 1.5 feet wide, 10 feet deep hole in the ground from my trampoline to my pine trees in the front. It somehow skips over the patio. I go outside with my dad to investigate, and it turns out we can see the pipes from the sewer through the hole. I ask my dad how we're going to fix this. He says "don't worry," and crawls under my patio (?) and starts throwing dirt from underneath into the hole. As he's doing this, my Canadian grandparents arrive to take us to the J.C. Penney store they seem to own. They ask what happened and I explain that there was a tornado 15 minutes ago that made this hole in the ground and my dad is fixing it. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, so they don't believe me at first, but I convince them. Then, My entire family crowds in my grandparents blue van with J.C. Penney written on the side, and we go to the mall. Once we get to the store, the rest of my extended family is there, including my Aunt Laurie, Aunt Laurel, cousin Katie, Allison, and my grandma from New York, Oma. Apparently, they're using the store as a storage place for all the junk from Oma's house. I look inside the clothes racks and see boxes of junk hidden inside. I start browsing the shelves and see lots of cool looking clocks. I want to buy one for my dorm. I go to the second level of the store and as I'm walking around, shots ring out.  I see three men in suits chasing another man who is tied to a chair with his hands tied behind his back. The man in the chair committed a murder, and he is not running-he's hopping really fast using the legs of his chair. He's also holding a pistol in his tied hands, and shooting backwards at the men in suits as he hops away from them. There's a hole in the floor in front of him. He drops the pistol from his hands down the hole. I'm watching the scene happen so I see the pistol fall down the hole and land on a piano bench in such a way that the barrel is pointing up. The man in the chair falls backwards through the hole to escape and lands with his head hitting the barrel of the gun. Somehow, the pistol is so sharp that it goes straight through his head and kills him. My grandparents are shocked that there's a dead man in their store. One of the store employees knew the man, and starts crying because he doesn't know that the dead guy was a murderer. My grandparents go to explain to him what happened, but another employee stops them (I think she was one of my cousins?) and says 'Sometimes you have to do things the hard way," and goes to explain.



Charlie Brown:

Hanging out with friends Shannon and Ryan, and we're doing a line dance using instructions that I found on the back of a Target shipping receipt. Shannon shows me that there's an owl hidden on the one dollar bill. Suddenly, I'm walking into a giant mall-like place, but every "store" is a theater with different shows playing and different auditions going on at the same time. I walk into one, thinking I'll be trying out for Into the Woods. I find out that it's a beauty pageant instead, but I decide to stay and watch. Then, it turns into try outs for some kind of Christmas play involving a witch and angels singing. One of the girls who played Sally from Schaumburg Onstage's Charlie Brown is there and we become friends. We proceed through auditions by singing verses of a song in Latin while a short man with a mustache is yelling at us and a tall blonde woman is directing us in lines. All the other girls there look the same. They have long brown curly hair and they are wearing homecoming dresses and vests. Then, it turns out that it was really auditions for Charlie Brown, and somehow I got the part of Lucy. I feel confused because I thought Lucy had to have red hair. It's opening night of the show, and I'm about to go onstage, yet I'm sitting in the first row of the auditorium. The auditorium is small, it feels more like a small church. There's windows and outside, planes are taking off on a giant runway. My mom is sitting in the sixth row and complaining because she doesn't like the seats. I realize that I don't have my monologue for the first act memorized and I have to be onstage in 2 minutes. I start trying to memorize it now, and see that it's really the monologue for my audition for Loyola's play in the fall. (I wake up, cuz my alarm's ringing, then fall back asleep). The theater is suddenly filled with smoke and gunfire. I'm in the rainforest now and in the story of that old Disney movie, the Swiss Family Robinson while pirates are attacking. I'm sitting on a raft in a lake with the whole family there and there's still gunfire and smoke. The dad of the Robinson family says that we need to create a diversion, so he crawls back through a really disgusting swamp to kill the pirate captain as me, Han Solo, a monkey, and the youngest boy in the family use inner tubes and bombs made of coconuts to distract the rest of the pirates. Then, I'm watching this scene unfold on a TV in Ryan's living room with Shannon and Ryan, and I'm explaining how the father of the family will soon get in a sword fight with the pirate captain using a machete, and that he'll get wounded, but it'll be ok because he kills the captain with a bunch of rolling logs.

Ramblings About Growing Up

This isn't poetry. it is literally just me rambling on and on about being a kid.

I realized movies weren’t real. I understood coincidence. I became self-conscious. I stopped thinking the wind could speak to me. I swore for the first time (accidentally). I learned about love, I mean, that kind of love. I held a boy’s hand square dancing in gym. I went to my first school dance.I started shopping at the mall. I began to wear makeup. I saw what friendship means. I fell in love. I broke my heart.I felt betrayed.
I discovered who to trust. And who not to. I grew up.

I opened a box and ten years worth of dolls spilled out onto the floor of my already messy room.
Looking at me with lifeless eyes. I had forgotten their story.
I watched Winnie the Pooh ,and remembered the stuffed animals I held tight to in the middle of nights I couldn’t sleep. Thinking of their softness, I couldn’t remember their names.

I used to wonder what it would be like to grow up, to be eighteen. My dad was a youth leader at my church for awhile, and I saw many teenagers grow up. Some are now in their twenties. Some are over thirty.
I used to want to be one of them. And here I am.

I told my mom today that I wish I didn’t have baby cheeks. She told me not to wish that. I think she might have been right.

I used to spy on my neighbors. I used to hop fences with my heart pounding and run across lawns in my bare feet. I used to ride my bike up and down driveways. I used to swing on my playground. I used to look under rocks for bugs. I used to feed squirrels even though my dad didn't want me to. I used to think that leaves rustling was a language. I used to pretend I was a witch. I used to believe in magic and conspiracy everywhere around me. When the moon was full it was time for ghosts. When the sun shone, it was playtime and the world was great. What ever happened to thinking about the world in terms of what days I could play and what days I couldn't?  When did that stop?  I don't even remember. Hanging out is cool, but it's not as magical as playing. Just once, Just once, I wish someone would ask me to come over and play. I know it'd still be hanging out, but still. I want to go over and play.

All this is to say, I want to be a little kid again. Just for a day. I want to think about the world like a kid. Forget the world I live in now, with all the innuendo, all the profanity, all the sex, all the drugs, all the pressure, and be a child. I want to believe in magic and forget that my feet will get dirty if I play in the sandbox or run through the grass. I want to be a spy again, hiding in bushes and hopping fences. I don't want to worry about my hair. I don't want to put on makeup and wear nice clothes and wear contacts. Jean shorts too big for my skinny chicken legs and huge leather sandals for my awkward feet and huge glasses and a T-shirt that says "I'm a Rock Star" in pink and green and blue are perfect. I want to love simply and not worry about blurry lines or awkwardness. I want to be friends with anyone and everyone. I want to say what I think and not say a version of it. Be precocious and and innocent and wild and free. Totally free. That's what being a kid means to me now.

If I have kids, I want them to enjoy their childhood and stay innocent and free for as long as I did.

I've been thinking about this for awhile now. Leaving for college is making me crazy.

My Garden

        OK, so I was at this Biology Boot Camp thing at Loyola this week. It was incredible. Literally incredible. No other word to describe how awesome my time there was. I was introduced to my future Bio professor. I learned that there are so many opportunities for undergrad research, which I will be taking advantage of while I'm there. I sat in lectures, took mock exams and practicals, and got a feel for what college academia will be like. It wasn't all work. I also had lots of fun. I met my future roommate, who is super cool and sweet and amazing.I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner in my future cafeteria, which has an ice cream machine that will probably be the death of me. I ran every morning on the beach and around campus. I took the Red Line downtown and toured behind the scenes in the Bird Department of the Field Musuem. (There were literally hundreds of stuffed, dead birds in closets there. Kinda weird, but cool). I saw someone get arrested and laughed (in a good way) at the Asian man in business casual and gym shoes jogging very slowly in the park. I watched a full moon rise over Lake Michigan and saw the lights come on in the city while playing Frisbee in the lake. I met so many cool people and made new friends and enjoyed this pre-college experience to its fullest. The best part, though, was that this turned into a spiritual and emotional retreat for me. A much needed one.
        The reason it turned into a spiritual and emotional retreat is that God gave me this really awesome friend named Cait I don't even remember how we met, actually. I think we just sat down at the same lunch table and the rest was history. By the end of the week, even our two of our professors commented on how close we were. It was the strangest thing. I don't think I've ever become so close with someone so fast. We were instant sisters, and of course, that makes sense because we were already sisters in Christ. It was amazing. Every night we had conversations about our faith and our lives. We prayed for each other and cared about each other's burdens immediately. We held each other accountable to act as women of God in times where it would have been easy not to. We had times of glorious worship together, where I would play on a piano whatever song came to my mind and she would worship God through dancing to my music, and then we would sit together in silence and pray afterwards. The Holy Spirit was so present with us all week. It was so beautiful. Living every day in awareness of God and acknowledging the great gifts and great peace He kept bestowing on me.
      That was so necessary for me, because I've been distracted. Very distracted. And very tense. I had a great Senior year. A year in which I made some of the best friends I've ever made, and had some of the best times I've ever had. But, spending time with God, listening to the Holy Spirit and spending time in His word and with other believers was largely absent from that year. I was angry at Him for things that happened in my heart Junior year, and this week, I've finally realized, or admitted, that I'm not completely over what happened. My heart still hurts, and much of what happened to me emotionally Senior year was the result of everything Junior year. And yet, I don't think I would change anything if I could, though, because it resulted in good things too, which led me back to God, the source of all good things. And I think my faith is stronger for it. I think God has given me wisdom because of it. And since I asked Him for it, I praise Him for giving it, even if came from pain. He has been ever present in my life, guiding me even when I didn't realize it, and that was made clear to me because...
        This week, God spoke to me clearly for the first time in so, so long. Cait told me that she asks God to show her what her garden of Eden would have been like. What it would be like to be in complete, free communication with God and in paradise. I thought that was a neat prayer, and so I prayed every night for God to show me my garden. And on the last night, playing the piano and worshiping, I heard Him answer. I know this sounds weird, but it's so true and I feel it more strongly than I've felt anything for awhile, so bear with me. He said, "Yes, Liz, someday I will show you your garden, but right now, I want you think like this. This place, Loyola, is your garden. Here I have chosen for you to grow. Your roots are in Me. They are not in your friends, your family, or your church. They are in me. You will grow, I will tend you, and I will not abandon you." It was so peaceful. wonderful and freeing, because I was worried about going to Loyola and leaving everything I know, even if it's only an hour away. Now, I know for certain that God wants me there, and that He will not abandon me while I've there. He has something great planned for me, and I'm so ready for it. This doesn't change the fact that it will be excruciatingly painful for me to leave my family, my friends, and my church, but my roots are in God, not in them, and so I'm at peace.
         In fact, I'm no longer anxious about college at all because He spoke to me. He told me that I'm following His plan and that He chose Loyola for me.  It was astounding, to hear God affirm the biggest decision I've made in my life so far. Sure, there were good reasons for me to go to Loyola anyway, the location, the money, etc. But, I still was doubting it, because it was unknown and I felt like I should have applied to more schools or prayed more about the decision and lots of other stuff. But, He let me know this week that in fact, I didn't make the decision. He made the decision for me, without me even knowing it at the time. Amazing. Isn't God wonderful?! I love Him like crazy. I cannot stop thanking Him for the fun I had at Loyola this week and for Cait and for telling me that I'm where I'm supposed to be. He's so good and He's given me so much through out my life that I want to give my entire life to Him always. So, now I'm going to enjoy the rest of my summer, and then go to college and grow, because Loyola is my garden :) Yay!

Because my brothers are watching Star Trek, I'm writing this note. It's about God.

My brothers are watching Star Trek in the living room, and because they are watching Star Trek in the living room, I cannot play my piano. Ugh. So I'm writing instead.  Last Friday night was pretty excellent. Instead of dancing on table tops and taking too many shots per Katy Perry (I love that song, it's so catchy), I ate some amazing ribs with some fantastic people and then had some similarly fantastic conversations about deep things related to religion and politics. These conversations involved questions about faith, and they kinda left me questioning some things, some basic things that I know but often take for granted. Since I'm using this summer to get back to my faith and my foundation,  I've been thinking...as usual...and these are my thoughts. I'm not trying to preach. This is a note. These are my thoughts.
       I didn't really think about this before, but I've realized now that there is not usually an immediate physical, concrete consequence for doing bad things, for sinning. But then what is sinning? Just doing wrong things? Wrong is so subjective. I believe that sinning is doing anything that disobeys the 10 Commandments, God's law. I'm pretty sure that basically every possibly wrong doing falls under these 10 absolute laws.
Commandment 1
"You must not have any other god but me.
Commandment 2
"You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. 5 You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. "
Commandment 3
"You must not misuse the name of the Lord your God."
Commandment 4
 "Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy."
Commandment 5
1 "Honor your father and mother. "
Commandment 6
 "You must not murder.
Commandment 7
"You must not commit adultery.
Commandment 8
"You must not steal.
Commandment 9
"You must not lie.
Commandment 10
"You must not covet."
       Just take a second and think about all the things that are implied under each one of these commandments. Take the first and second ones, for instance. No other god but God. No idols. OK, so that means I must not worship anything, lust after anything, search for anything, live for anything more than God. God must be my end all and be all. He is it. And how many times have I broken that one? Ridiculous. Honoring your father and mother-I think of all the times I've done things my parents taught me not to do, disobeyed them...so ridiculous. All the times, I've lied, been jealous of someone, murdered someone, committed adultery...again, ridiculous. Side Note: I haven't physically murdered anyone or committed adultery, but Jesus says in Matthew that if someone even thinks about doing any of those things, that person is already as guilty as someone who did them because his or her heart and soul has already given in to the idea of murder or adultery or anything like that. I believe this is true because in the end, I believe it's my soul that's going to last forever, not my body. Just because I haven't physically murdered a specific person doesn't mean I haven't murdered that person in my heart, and I'm as guilty as the person who has. So, to be brutally honest, I'm guilty of breaking all ten of these commandments. The Bible says that everyone is guilty too. No one is truly a good and perfect person (except for Jesus but he comes later).
      Now, back to no immediate consequences. Yes, that's usually true. God does not smite me down when I lie to my parents about where I was two nights ago (I was at home two nights ago, in case anyone wondered...) As I've looked at the Bible this past week, I see that sin is not about the immediate consequences. It's about the eternal consequences. Romans 6:23a "For the wages of sin is death." A spiritual death. If I sin, I will go to hell. And that's it. The Bible says in the Old and New Testament that God is so holy that He cannot even permit anything sinful in His presence. He is perfect in every way and pure. Sin literally cannot exist in His presence. So if I have sinned, I cannot be with Him. When I die, my soul will go to hell, because heaven is where God's holiness is and I cannot live there. And that goes for every sin. If I look at the text of the 10 Commandments, I don't see any asterisks pointing to footnotes at the bottom, saying "This rule is only slightly important, so yo can break it once and awhile" or "Murder is worse than disobeying your parents." Nope. That's not there. Every sin is equal in God's eyes. And  that's a really, REALLY hard concept for me. Especially when I look at the world and the terrible things people do. I want to think that some people have done such things that they deserve hell automatically while people I know who have never done things so terrible should just be allowed in heaven because they didn't do those things. That's not what God says thought, but this is where Jesus comes in! YAY!
       See, I love Christmas. I love the presents. I love the lights. I love the food. I LOVE the music ( I'm so glad I'll still be in Chicago this year so I can listen to 93.9) For most people, Christmas is a few weeks, and then it's over. I get to enjoy the benefits of Christmas all year, and not just because I usually get awesome gifts haha. I enjoy it all year because Christmas is when God sent Jesus to earth for me. Yes, I said for me, but for you too. And every one in the world who's ever lived. His love for you, me, and everyone is boundless, and it has been since the beginning of time. Sin and Satan got in the way of His love in the Garden of Eden, because God can't be with sin, but then God hatched this awesome, but sad plan. He would send His only Son to die for humankind so they cold be with Him always, no sin in the way.I  won't get into the "fully God, fully man" thing, but the point is: Jesus was God's Son. God sent Jesus to earth, Jesus lived a perfect life, He suffered the penalty for everyone's sins by dying a brutal, awful death on the cross though He didn't commit any sin himself, then he conquered death by rising again after he'd been dead three days (and that's where we get Easter. I love the candy, but that's not what it's about haha) What's the benefit for me and you? Well, since He died and rose again, the penalty of death that comes with my sin can be removed if I put our trust in Him. Meaning I say "Jesus, I'm guilty of sinning, of breaking God's law. I confess that sin to you, and I accept you as my Savior, trusting you to remove that sin and make me right with God."
             And that's it. No more death penalty. No more hell. As long as I've put my faith in Jesus, I am going to heaven. Romans 6:23b "But the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."  Also, as an added bonus, the Holy Spirit enters my heart. The Bible says the Holy Spirit is part of God, the Trinity of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and it's kinda like the Guide God gives us, a divine conscience, prompting me to do what's right and allowing me to understand things about my faith that I couldn't on my own. So, I get this amazing gift of eternal life and a Guide through life, and there aren't too many strings attached. In fact, I can only think of one. And it's not even really a string. More like something I really want to do.
       The problem is, with accepting Jesus as my Savior and receiving the Holy Spirit, I've admitted that I sin, that I do wrong and I now have an deeper understanding of what God says is right and what is wrong. By reading the Bible and seeing what God expects of those who know Him, I understand. There are absolute goods and bad. There's no gray areas. Bad is bad. Good is good. And God loves the things that are good and detest the bad things. And now that I know what things and actions God loves, I want to do it. I really do. And so I follow a standard of values set by God.
          No one told me when I accepted Christ that I would have to do and not do certain things and behave a certain way. I was 5 and I was sitting on my bed with my mom and I asked her if I could ask Jesus into my heart to take away my sin. I don't remember much about it. She probably asked me if I was sure,but I know for certain that she didn't say " Now, honey, before you do this, you should know the rules," and then spout a list of moral standards I was supposed to uphold and things I was expected to avoid if I put my faith in Jesus. No, she simply told me what to pray and then I simply prayed that prayer and went to sleep. But that prayer changed my life.
               Since I now know what God says is good, I want to do that good. I want serve Him, glorify Him, and tell the world how awesome He is. I want my life to reflect the kind of the love that would send an only son to die a brutal death, an all encompassing, pure, unconditional, wonderful love. He give me so many gifts: eternal life, the ability to talk with Him by praying whenever and wherever, comfort in times of trouble, constant companionship, a community of other Christians who love and support me as soon as they meet me because they know of God's love, and of course of life and so many more things I can't even name! How can I not desire worship Him and follow Him and want to live for Him? I'm not just crazy. I truly believe this with all my heart, that God loves me, that Jesus has taken away my sin, and so now I want to live for God. Not only that, but when I accept Jesus as my Savior, that does put me literally in His debt, and I become, as Paul says, a slave for Christ. I now owe Him my life, and because of that, He demands my life in return. I know that sounds harsh, but think of what I get in return! I get a relationship with a Heavenly Father who loves me more than anyone ever could and I get eternal life in Heaven, as well as lots of other gifts including the Holy Spirit and immediate love from a community of believers etc :)
          Now, if you'd made it this far in the note, thank you.  I swear I'm not asking for trouble. These are my beliefs. Anyway, I want to live for God because He commands me to and because I want to. And according to the Bible, if you profess to be a Christian, you will want to as well. The life you will seek after is a life of service, a life of love, a life where other people come before yourself, where judgmental nature is avoided, where forgiveness is given again and again and again, where glorifying God is first. This is the life I want, and I will be the first person to say that it's not the life I lead all the time, if at all. On rare, RARE occasions, it's close, but never the ideal. And that's because, though I've accepted Jesus, I'm not perfect and never will be. In fact, I've made my life a million times harder by accepting Jesus. Oh yes. Christians' lives are not always happy and everything is not magically good because I know Jesus. In fact, sometimes it's worse for a couple reasons.
         First, because I know the difference between right and wrong in God's eyes, I know what is really sin. So I struggle and struggle not to sin. I even ask God to help me not to sin, but I do sometimes. In fact, a lot. So when I sin, I'm filled with sadness, because I've just disobeyed the God of the Universe who loves me more than anything and I've let Him down and not accurately reflected how great He is. This happens a lot. The wonderful thing is that Jesus still provides forgiveness and cleanliness from that sin, so that sadness doesn't last. But then when I sin again, it comes back, and then Jesus is still there, but then I sin again...etc. The Apostle Paul says in the Bible (in more eloquent terms) that he always finds himself doing what he doesn't want to do and not doing what he does want to do. That's the life of a Christian. It's not easy, and often, I get bogged down in shame and guilt because of this, but as long as I remember that Jesus forgives us, there is no need for that. Though, that doesn't mean that my sin is any less of a sin because Jesus forgives me. Again, no asterisk under the 10 Commandments says "When you accept Jesus, you can now sin and not worry about it." If I've truly accepted Jesus, I will want to live for him and I will worry about sinning.
        Second, lessons are harder and life is more complicated and more simple at the same time. When you're living for God, that sounds pretty simple, but as demonstrated by the 10 commandments, there's a whole lot that runs under that statement. There's a lot of love involved there. Love for God and love for everyone. And as everyone is aware, love implies A LOT. Self sacrifice, trust, faith, loyalty, etc etc etc. I've spent four years wallowing in lessons about love, and though I haven't had any real physical trauma (besides inflamed eyes from crying), the emotional and spiritual aspect of it all has been intense and awful. I've hated it. Yet I've learned so much and seen how I can glorify God more with my life! But, I've hated it.
         Third, there is no road map. God gave Christians the Holy Spirit as a Guide and the Bible as well and the community of believers to help too. But it's hard to know what is the Holy Spirit and what's my imagination, and it's also hard to read the Bible and truly apply it and since every person is unique and of course, flawed, advice from other voices may not be applicable to me or even correct. Side Note: About applying the Bible, I don't think I can just read it and apply it literally in every situation and with every book of the Bible. If you want to discuss that with me at a different time, feel free haha :)
        Now, I'm trying not to scare people away, but I can see how this would scare people away. I almost wish sometimes my mom had told me what a big commitment it was before I decided to become a Christian. And it is. Because I truly believe in God with all my heart. I believe that I'm saved through my faith in Jesus Christ. And now, because I believe that, I believe that I should do what God says to do. It's not easy. But, for me, it's worth it, not only because of what God gives me but because I have a purpose in life. How many people go through life without a purpose? A reason for living that's greater than the moment, greater than just today. I have a purpose, and that's to glorify God and serve Him and show other people how good He is. And how they can come to know His love. So, thanks for reading this haha. I hope no one feels shamed by me or anything. Not my intent at all. I like to talk about my faith, and I don't do it enough.

20 Dollar Bills and other things I've seen today

I see things every day, and, since my imagination is crazy, I often romanticize or think about them a lot. So these are things I've seen today and thoughts I have about them. Like the possibilities in the $20 bill sitting on my desk. Received as a late graduation present in the mail, it's a new 20, crisp and colorful. I could put it in the bank and save it, or leave it on my desk and use it on a whim the next I want to go to lunch or to the latest action movie. I love action movies. I want to see Super 8. I've heard it's good. Knowing me, though, I'll probably wait until it comes out on DVD.
            I see things on my bike ride each morning. The same houses. Same streets. I saw the mailman today. He delivers the mail pretty early in the morning. I thought the mail was an afternoon thing, but no, he starts delivering mail in our neighborhood at 9:30 or before. I think he recognizes me now, considering I've seen him nearly every morning since school got out a month ago. One of these days I'll wave to him.
             I saw six different people walking their dogs. People look like their dogs after awhile. It's too true. I saw a guy running with his child in a stroller. That kind of exercise seems fun, for the kid at least. You're moving pretty fast, sitting in the stroller, while your dad runs. A theme park ride, almost.
          I saw an old woman in a bright pink nightgown watering her plants. The nightgown reminded me of the one I wore as Doris McAfee in Bye Bye Birdie. That was a fun show. I don't think I enjoyed the role and the people I was acting with as much as I should have during that show.
           I saw three different men from the Village of Schaumburg sanding down the rough edges of the sidewalks with screeching tools and an air compressor. I was scared a bit of cement was going to fly off and hit me in the face, so every time I passed one of those guys I closed my eyes and ducked my head.
           I saw an old man watching as another man cut down a tree in his front yard. He looked sad, so I made up a story about him and that tree. It was a rotting tree that he refused to cut down because his late wife loved the tree, but his 3 adult kids were scared that the tree was going to fall on his house, so they all pitched in money hire a contractor to cut the tree down without telling him. He wonders which kid thought of the idea, and admires him or her for being stubborn enough to do that. Stubborn like him. He's sad though, and he's thinking of asking the contractor for a piece of the tree. He might put it by the fireplace, on the mantlepiece. He thinks his wife would've liked that idea. She was sentimental, romantic, and loved flowers and trees and growing things. She had a beautiful garden before she got sick. And she loved that tree, so he never wanted that tree cut down. But, it was probably time, so he sits there watching and thinking of his wife.
         I saw the movie Beastly. Alex Pettyfer is gorgeous even with weird tattoo/ piercings.  I want one haha :)
        I saw my scrapbook from theatre at SHS. I look at it once a day pretty much. I like looking at those pictures of me. It's weird, but looking at me onstage, I almost kinda think, that maybe, perhaps I am all that my parents keep telling me I am. They tell me that uselessly though. I have a hard time believing that I'm anything. I don't think I'm anything. Really. I am pretty much a nobody to myself.
       I saw thank you notes. Lots of them. I actually liked writing them though. I like telling people that I love them and appreciate them. I want to make other people feel good about themselves. I try to do that. I'm pretty bad at doing that with my family, because I take them for granted. Maybe it'll be good for me to go away. I won't take them for granted anymore.
        I saw random quotes. I like StumbleUpon, and I use it whenever I'm bored or just want to procrastinate. it took me to a website of random quotes. One of them was about proving yourself to others. I don't remember what it said, but the proving yourself idea stuck with me. I don't think I should have to prove anything to anybody. I can prove myself to myself, but really, no one should have to prove anything. Not if there's trust or respect involved. If I say no, I mean no. Yes, I mean yes. And people might think I'm a bunch of bull, but I shouldn't have to prove myself. As long as I can be honest with myself and know when I'm really a bunch of bull haha :) I'm talking about proving myself as a person, not in the professional world. I'm scared about college and the future because I know I'll be expected to prove my skill everywhere I go. More will be expected of me. I'll have more to prove. But that's a different kind of proof.
        I saw letters, letters I've written I won't send. I saw my anger. I don't hate many things in life, but I do really hate anger. I have this thing where I want everyone to love me, and I want to love them too, so when I'm angry or I feel any kind of tension, there is no limit to how far I will go to fix it. Really. Most times, the tension or reason for me being angry is all in my head anyway, so usually I just go to sleep and I wake up and I'm not angry or tense anymore! It's like magic haha! Another thing I do is I write letters, letters no one but me will EVER see, but therapy all the same, because I'm getting words on paper and saying things without saying them. It's kinda a perfect arrangement, unless I think about it too much, and realize that I'm just writing to no one, but I try not to think too hard about that...
      I saw the cover of my Yo-Yo Ma CD that I got for graduation. It's a collaborative album, Yo-Yo and Ennio Morricone. If you don't know who that is, I suggest brushing up on your film music history. It's so fantastic. So dramatic and beautiful.
       I saw gum wrappers. I'm really bad at throwing away gum wrappers. And sticking my leftover gum in them, and still not throwing them away. It's my one really gross habit. I think I'm just too lazy to get up and throw it away, so when I clean my desk, there's usually 50 gum wrappers being thrown away at one time.
        Finally, I saw my piano. I love my piano. I love it so much. I spend as much time with it as I do my family, my friends. Hours of me just creating music and playing music I love on the piano. It's my soul instrument. I think that when I play my piano, I'm showing people myself. That's why I get really nervous playing songs I've written in front of people or having them listen to them, because what I'm really showing  is a bit of my real thought and feeling in music form. It's the purest form of me you'll ever see, me playing the piano or listening to me play one of my songs. So, if you've head one of my songs or seen me play the piano, you've pretty much seen me without any emotion hidden, any pretense. That's scary for me. People seeing who I really am. Only a few of my friends know who I really am. I can think of maybe 4 outside of my close family. When I stop to think about that,  I feel really, REALLY vulnerable around them. But, that's the price for closeness, I guess. Trusting people enough to let them see you and then trust them not to hurt what they see or hate what they see.

Compromised

Nothing organized, just me thinking on Facebook. I really like the song Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine. I wasn't a fan of Florence and the Machine before I heard the song, and I'm not really that much of a fan now, but I like the song. That's the way I am with music, or at least, music that isn't a score to a movie. When it comes to movie score composers, I have clear favorites-Alexandre Desplat, John Williams, Hans Zimmer etc. I wish movie score composers would tour with their music like bands. But anyway, I rarely like the artists themselves when it comes to music. I don't own many full albums because I like very few bands completely. I might like 3 or 4 of their songs, but only those 3 or 4. Not whole albums. There are a few exceptions, but only a few. I think it's because I know what's good music in my mind, and if it's not good, I won't like it all and I won't want to buy it. Regardless of how much I like the band.
       That said, I love discovering new music. If you ever want to go indie music hunting, Amazon.com has a GREAT thing called "Free Songs and Special Deals" on their MP3 Downloads page. You usually have to dig throuhg a bunch of junk to find good stuff, but when you find something good, it's usually really good.  I've found some awesome music that way. And just because it's  "indie music" does not mean it's not worth listening to. Yesterday I discovered a band called Badly Drawn Boy from a free download, and I ended up going to iTunes and buying 3 more of their songs. So awesome :) I love when that happens. They also have free classical music sometimes, free jazz, etc. I never know what I'm going to find. so check that out.
      I'm discovering something about myself. If you ever want to really, truly know what I think about an issue or something that I won't discuss openly, talk to me right before I'm about to go to bed.  Right before I go to bed, my brain is going a mile a minute thinking about everything in my life. Seriously, I go over EVERYTHING you can possibly imagine in my head before I go to bed, from if I liked the food I ate today to major stuff. So, if you were to ask me a question right then, I would probably answer honestly because it's right on my mind. And also, before I go to bed, at that point I'm too tired to keep up any facade I may attempt keep up during the day. Everything is to your advantage if you desperately want to know something then haha. This has definitely gotten me into trouble in the past, like, the VERY recent past. I've sent text messages I regret the next morning, and I've had conversations that I don't remember when I wake up. My brain's funny that way. It is so focused on just a few things during the day that once it gets to bedtime, it just lets all the thoughts rush in and I get confused and somewhat crazy. So there you go. Take advantage of those 5 minutes to three hours while I'm laying in my bed to know what I really think about you or anyone because I'm pretty much compromised during that time haha :) Gotta stop writing. Got stuff to do! Always something to do...

Complicating Things

WARNING: This is not organized at all. Enter the maze if you dare.

      So, there are complicating things. But then someone could be complicating things. Weird. That's what I'm thinking about as I write this.
      I don't know. It's interesting, how life goes in circles. I can get everything I ever wanted in a year and still feel as dissatisfied as I did when it began. I guess it just proves that getting stuff doesn't satisfy for long, even if it's the most amazing stuff in the world and that only God can really satisfy my heart that wants so much all the time. College. Really? Am I that old? Yeah, I know 18 is not old at all, but still. College? I don't believe that's even happening. Graduation party's in two days, and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. Well, that's not really honest, because I am. I like having people over and making them feel welcome in my house. I'm just concerned that I'll be overwhelmed by everyone being there. God give me strength. I'm worried about compromising myself and everything I believe. I used to judge people who went through Senior year and then went to college and changed throughout it. I don't judge anymore, because now, I see why they changed. This year I've changed so much, for the better mostly but also for the worse. I never used to swear, ever. I never even contemplated doing some of the things that I've thought about doing. Don't worry, everyone. I haven't done anything. But just thinking about things is too close to doing them. and I've yelled at myself. "LIZ, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? STOP!" It shows how powerful the world is, if you let it change the way you think about yourself and people around you. I'm not so sure how I let it, but I did. I think if I'd spent more time actually with God and in the Bible instead of constant praying (though that wasn't bad) this year, I might not feel so changed. This summer, along with my SSSP, I'm going to use my spare time to get back to my foundation, to what I really believe.
          My mom brought up something to me the other day, and it's that my faith is not gone, it's just more mature, different. I think I used to see my relationship with God as something that was separate from my every day life. This was subconscious, but still true. I never really had to apply any of the lessons I was learning in church to school or relationships. High school taught me that my faith has to be an every day application. Everything is a spiritual battle, and Satan is always trying to get me stumble and let him win a round or two. Yep. He's evil. And I'm sad to say, I've let him win quite a few this year. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd say that people might meet me and not realize that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. That just shows you my pride. I look at my life right now, and I'm not sure people meeting me, or even my friends, would realize that I have very clear values and standards that set me apart, that I believe in Jesus and I'm trying to live my life for Him. Now, I'm wondering if I only claim to have those values but really, I'm just living for myself. I think that's a pretty good explanation of how I lived this year. I lived for myself, for a lot of it. I did what made me feel good, and that's not bad necessarily, but I did leave my time with God out of most of that. My goal this summer to to keep having the time of my life, but add God back into the equation, where He should have been the whole time, and try to live in a way that is not judgmental or proud, but that still sets me apart.
        Why does sincere love make people uncomfortable and uneasy? Why is powerful, emotional, and unconditional love always regarded as romantic? Why do you take the person who loves you unconditionally for granted? Why does honest love make things difficult sometimes? I see these questions in my relationships. In other people's relationships.  I've had a hard time with this the past two years. And I know I can't blame other people for getting confused when I've been confused this year too. And I've made other people confused with my confusion. But, I've tried to fix mistakes I've made, and I know I can't change the past so I've moved on. One thing I think I can say for certain is that I don't think I ever completely changed how I've treated someone based on my changing feelings for them. I am, for the most part, consistently myself. And I will continue to be myself always.
         Part of me is the way I love. For those of you who don't know, I love deeply and irrevocably. That's just who I am. Once I really love you and let you into my heart, that's it. You're part of me. The end. It doesn't matter if the person I love returns it, or actually, if I even like to be around the person I love all the time. Claire Light is an example, and I know she won't mind me using her as an example because she knows this is true. Sometimes, I can't stand her. But we've been through too much together in the past 6 years and been there for each other in the weirdest times, so I love her. Another example is my childhood friends. I don't even talk to most of them any more, yet part of me still cares about them a lot. I'm always a little sad when I see them and realize that we've grown apart. Sometimes, I'll close my eyes and remember the fun times we had, maybe I'll pretend I'm going to go outside and play cops and robbers by moonlight or baseball in my neighbors side yard. Because I loved them, I'll always care about my childhood friends and fondly remember the best of them. That's it. And then, there's my theatre friends. Same thing for all of you. I love you, and that's it. And some of you, I love you so much that you're probably stuck knowing me for the rest of your lives. I would apologize, but I don't think I should have to apologize for giving you a piece of me forever. And I hope it makes you feel good, knowing that I'd be there for you if you needed me for the rest of your life. I expect nothing in return, because I know that the way I love isn't always considered normal. it's kinda crazy actually.
     And  I am crazy. That's a fact. And I am eternally grateful to people like my parents, brothers, and theatre family who put up with that craziness all the time and don't mind too much. I am always stressed or worried about something, and that often expresses itself in backlash toward others, and then I hurt them. I would not EVER intentionally hurt someone I loved. Ever. I feel so consumed with guilt after I truly hurt someone that I almost can't function for awhile and then get lost in self pity and trying to make things the way they were before I screwed things up. Same thing goes when I say something and make things complicated. I get so upset at myself that I can't function, and I spend days, hours, months trying to bring things back to a pre-saying something level where things were better. I wonder sometimes what is better. Letting words burn me up inside and consuming me, or saying them and then letting the aftermath burn me up and consume me. I wonder. I complicate things. All the time. And then my life is full of complicating things as a result. I have so, so much more that I'm thinking about and not saying, and saying and not really thinking about as I say it. I wish I was back in school, I'm glad I'm not, I wish college would start, I glad it's not yet. Sigh. I'm going to go read a book.

Thoughts (Partly inspired by Lauren Becker)

I don't have my emotions under control this week, and I can't decide if that's a good or bad or neutral thing. One more week and I'll be done with everything about high school. Literally everything. Monday: No School. Tuesday: Last projects due. Wednesday: Thespian Induction. Thursday: Senior Picnic. Friday: Graduation Practice, Senior Brunch, Pixies. Saturday: Relax. Sunday: Graduate. Done. Close that chapter in my life. The End. Ugh. That sounds so dramatic but it's how I feel. Something good is ending. Yes, I know college will be better and lots of fun and I've wanted to be done for so long, and I'm ready to be done and move on with life...but I'm still incredibly, incredibly sad that it's going to be over.
         If I'm forced to be completely honest with myself, I will admit that sometimes, I liked being in high school. I liked the familiarity of it all, the fact that I saw the same people every day. I'm going to miss seeing people who've been in my classes all four years, (the "AP" kids), not because I'm close with them, but because they were always there. I got used to their personalities, and I got used to working with them, learning with them, and complaining about the amount of homework we all had or the stupidity of certain teachers. And of course, we did all have some good times together over the last four years, even if it was stressful. So, I will miss the academic side of high school a little. And I will miss my classmates a little. But I'll get over it quickly.
       However, I will not miss SHS Theatre a little. I will miss it so much, that for awhile, I think it might feel like I'm missing oxygen, food, or water. This week is all about preparing for Pixies, our awards ceremony, and it's the last thing I and the rest of the Seniors get to do for the program before we leave. Pixies preparation is filled with anxiety and panic attacks because we want our last thing to be good...because this is it for us and SHS Theatre. And whenever I think about that for too long, I tear up. Like right now :( Why will I miss it so much? Because it was not just an extracurricular activity for me. For me and some of the people involved in it, it was a family. I've tried to explain it to people who aren't in theatre, and they can't really understand it, but acting brings people together in a way that nothing else can. When you act with someone, something magic happens. I don't know whether it's because the intensity of rehearsals, the long duration of rehearsals, or just because acting is strange this way,  but you become bonded together on an different level. I can't figure out whether it's an emotional level or mental level or combination of both, but whatever it is, it's powerful. And that bond only intensifies as you act with the same people over time. My best friends are people who have acted with me in multiple shows. I've only known them for four years or less, yet  they are the closest friends I've ever made, closer than people I've known since birth. They are my family.
      It's not only acting that makes me and my best friends family, though. I think that just happens to be a common denominator that formed the foundation. The acting bond can only go so far, even though it's pretty strong. What else makes us family? The first thing is love. Yes, we love, support, and care about each other. Theatre family, we don't always say it, we don't always feel it, and we don't always show it, But, in the times that we're all laughing or crying, we know it's true. Even the times when we're fighting amongst ourselves, the only reason any of that happens is because we care about each other and think something will get in the way of the family togetherness. That ties into the second thing.
         Second, we have a need to be together, almost like a need for a drug. It's as if we all got addicted to being together during plays and that just translated into being together as much as possible at any time of day. It's also like we're all misers, the way we guard our friends and treasure time with them. And we don't like it when changes happen to mess things up. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer when I might not see a member of my theatre family every day, and during college, when I might not see anyone for months at a time. Just thinking about it makes my heart kinda twinge, like it's anticipating something being torn out of it. ugh. dramatic again, but true. I know the family won't go away because I'm separated from them, but it won't be the same again. It happened with the Seniors who left before me, and now it's gonna happen with me. Sad.
      Third, we are family because we lie to each other, we fight, we talk about each other meanly, we hide things from each other, we sabotage each other, we all don't completely trust every member of the family, yet somehow, we stay together. If we were just an ordinary group of friends, I've pretty sure we would have given up a LONG time ago. I got in one argument with a non theatre friend I had Sophomore year and it ruined our friendship. People in the theatre family get in multiple arguments a week and still be the best friends in the world. In just this year alone, tons of dramatic, angst ridden events have occurred, and we've all changed in some way, yet we still do the same kind of things with each other as we always have. We watch movies, hang out at each others house's, go out to dinner, talk about life, smile, laugh, and all the while, at least one member of the family is angry with another member. There is always a conflict, and even if it seems like it will tear us apart, it never does. It's the weirdest thing, but I think it proves we're a family. What normal group of friends would put up with so much fighting and drama? The only other group of people I know that does this is my flesh and blood family.
      Fourth, we are family because we've all started to act the same, coming from the same background in theatre and spending time with each other. We are a cohesive unit of inside jokes, quirky mannerisms, and common sayings. For more on this, see my note about SHS Theatre Kid Mannerisms. It's hard to believe but watch us for an hour, and you'll quickly see how true it is. We even move like each other and speak like each other. So weird and wonderful.
     I think that's all the reasons I have: love, need to be with each other, willingness to stay together no matter what, and the fact that we act like each other. I think there's moments when we even look like each other, like when we make similar facial expressions. I swear there's been moments where I see graduated Seniors in the faces of my friends, and for an instant, they're back again. There's also pictures of me and my friends where we literally look related. There's a group of us girls who are all blonde, so when we take pictures, we look like sisters. And we are, in a very real way.
     There's probably be other notes, ranting like this about how much I love my theatre family and how I feel so connected to them and how it's killing me to leave them and all that cliche stuff. The sthing about cliches, though, is that they're usually the truest things that people feel. This wouldn't be cliche if no one had even felt this or said things like this before. So, I think it's right. And we're a family. And these are my thoughts.

My perspective, which is also my attempt to put things into perspective.

  I have so much going through my head right now. I'm really trying to put things into perspective and not over dramatize because it's not a play on a stage. Ugh. Ah. OK. Wow. What a week. Something that might clue you in to the type of week I had is that I used strong, angry, and frustrated profanity more this week that I have in my entire life. So yeah. It was not a pretty 5 days. In fact, most things about it were ugly, except one really, REALLY awesome thing that happened. If you want to know about that, ask me personally. Sadly, I'm much more reluctant to share my good news on Facebook than I am talk about bad stuff on Facebook. Anyway, this is a note saying how I feel after this crazy week, and in some ways, this crazy year too. My perspective:
       First of all, I feel happy. I just want to say how much I appreciate the concern and support some of my friends have shown me this week. They didn't tell me how I shouldn't be upset and how I should stop being sad. They just listened to me, were there for me to vent when I needed them, and told me things were gonna be ok. It made me happy to see that I had people in my life who cared about me enough to just let me feel what I feel and listen to me, whether or not they thought I was acting right or wrong or smart or stupid. That's really awesome. So thanks :)
      Second, I feel upset at myself. Until this week, I thought I didn't like to trust people. But I realized this week that I actually do, because I trust people way too easily. When I say I trust people easily, though, that's not entirely what I mean. I don't trust everyone I meet. In fact, I guard myself and keep most of my thoughts inside. I think what I mean is this: If I really want to trust a person, I will trust him or her, even if I know subconsciously they don't deserve my trust. I will say things I know I shouldn't, I will reveal more than I should, and I will mess stuff up, making things awkward and crazy because I decided to show too much of my soul to the wrong person, who never should have learned those things about me. That is my fault. No one else is to blame for that.
      Third, I feel betrayed. And I didn't want to feel that way again, ever. The last time I felt this bad was Sophomore year, when someone was going around calling me a prostitute because I wouldn't date him and  my best friend told me she didn't trust me.
      Fourth, I feel like I've been treated like trash, used then thrown out. I used to think it's be nice if people would talk behind my back for once because that might mean they actually were affected by my actions and I might feel important. I was wrong. Completely wrong. It hurts like hell. I also thought that if people wanted me to do things for them, that meant they needed me and cared about me. Wrong again. Most of the time, it means they're using me and can easily replace me when I'm no longer useful or they find me annoying, clingy, and boring. I don't think I'm any of these things, so it hurts to be treated like so. On a related note...
      Fifth, I feel confused. I don't understand what exactly I did, how my actions and things I said led to this week. I know what mistakes I made internally: expecting too much, trusting, caring too much, assuming too much, thinking too much. But, I don't understand how any of those mistakes were played out in my everyday life. I thought I acted somewhat normally most of the time. I'm also confused because a lot of things in my life went in a downhill direction so fast I couldn't even stop them, just reach after them screaming "NOOOOOO!" This has happened once a year since I entered high school. So, I don't know what God is planning for my life, but I hope it's good, because I hurt so bad right now.
      Sixth, I feel helpless. I'm in a situation and I can't fix it. I just have to sit and see what happens. Most of it is my fault. I want a reset button for this, starting from January. If I could redo that all over again, I would keep my mouth shut, care a little less, and enjoy what I have a lot more. It's not all my fault though. I think this might be about truth. I realized my definition of acceptable truth has changed since Sunday. It's not just "not telling a lie." It's telling the whole truth when someone asks for it or telling nothing at all. Half truths are lies too, because they can still conceal something important, something a person should know or should not know. It might also be about communication. I like to communicate with friends when I think they should know something about me, but I've realized that not everyone feels the same way.
     Seventh and finally, there really aren't adequate words to explain all I feel right now. Someone once told me that my strengths were my intelligence, caring a lot about other people, understanding others, and being determined. Well, these strengths turned out to be weaknesses in a way. Intelligence: I think too much. I over-analyze everything. Caring: I care too much. Understanding: I understand too much. I let people get away with treating me like dirt and still, I understand and forget the past, which gets me hurt. Determined: I was too determined. The person who told me my strengths also told me not restrict myself to being just the smart girl, to be more confident with dealing with other people, and to show people who I really am. Well, I tried to do that. I was determined to make my voice heard and reach for what I really wanted, showing the world that Liz Humphrey is not just a smart girl, but someone who feels, cares, wants, and lives. That didn't work out too well. I reached too far for what I wanted, I showed too much of who I really am, and I got hurt. So, can I click the reset button now and make everything good again? No, because that button doesn't exist. Can I go to sleep now? Yes. Yes, I can. That's my perspective tonight.

There are breaking points.

  This is basically just some scattered thoughts I had while on my cruise last week. It's now time to get them out of my brain because I have a little time to write. Sigh. Seeing parts of the world so radically different from home made me never want to come home again. Right now, I'm feeling dissatisfied with everything and out of place because the richness of the culture and diversity of the people in Europe and Africa appeared so much more beautiful and fascinating than in the US. I don't know whether it was just because it was a new experience, but I really, really want to go back there. Like, today. This moment. I felt at home in foreign countries. And I want to go see more of the world ASAP. (Confession: I'm not gonna lie, about a fifth of the reason for me wanting to go back is the quantity of attractive guys I saw in Spain).
         Though I feel a little discontented at home, I missed everyone A LOT while I was in foreign countries. I realized just how much my friends have infiltrated my life. I would look at things and think what they would be saying if they were with me. It was this weird sort of conversation I was having inside my head with people who weren't there. Kinda crazy, but true. My family got a little mad at me at the beginning of the trip because about half of my trains of thought would lead back to lines from plays, inside jokes that I couldn't share with my family, and other moments I remembered from times I shared with friends. I wish I could've brought everyone with me on the trip so I could really share everything with you guys, but the pictures I upload in about 6 weeks will have to do.
         I'm a creepy person. People who know me well know this. Well, my creepiness rose to new heights during this trip because it's much easier to eavesdrop on people they think you don't know their language. Yes, that's right. I spied on all the Spaniards I saw at the airport and on the plane home. And I grew strangely attached to them. I actually miss them a little because I liked their personalities. I gave them all very unoriginal nicknames. There was this one guy who looked like a professor. I called him "The Professor." The Professor, the "Bald Guy," the "Bald Guy's Shy Wife," and the "Businessman" were one group of people I eavesdropped on for two hours in the boarding pass line. They were making fun of American tourists with their shorts and cameras in Las Ramblas, the touristy area of Barcelona. They were also talking about the stock market at one point, I think. I'm not exactly sure. They spoke rapid fire Spanish.
         I also spied on The Pinker Tones, a band from Barcelona that happened to be on our flight, and also happened to sit near from us on the plane. One guy in particular from the band, Chris, sat right diagonally from me, and of course, he was the cutest one in the band. Needless to say, I took pictures of him, awake and asleep, and also took pictures of the book he was reading. (One chapter was titled "The Summer of Love"?)  I know-creepy. I also listened to the 20 minute conversation he and my dad had before we landed in New York. I really wish I could go to their concert in Chicago in two weeks, but unfortunately, it's on the opening night of my play. Sad. I wanted to see Chris again, and maybe actually meet him this time instead of stalking him. I feel bad for being so creepy, but hey, what else was I supposed to do while waiting in lines for 2 hours and then sitting on a plane for 9 hours? So, this is a public apology to the Pinker Tones and The Professor, the Bald Guy, the Bald Guy's Shy Wife, and the Businessman. I'm sorry for stalking you all.
       Now the actual semi-deep thoughts. Have you ever wanted something so much you shudder when you think about it? Chills run down your spine and you feel afraid and hopeful at the same time. Then you sigh because your entire being wants it so bad. I'm not talking about a person, necessarily. It could be an experience, an object, an abstract idea, or anything. but you want it. More than anything in the entire world. Now you don't get the thing you want and something snaps. Ugh. That is pain. That is loss. That hurts. This is the breaking point. After this point, something in you seals over with stone. You become numb. It doesn't matter because it hurts if it matters. Feeling numb, you move on, changed and scared to want anything so bad again. I went through this kind of thing this September. It was so bad. Now, I want something again, and it doesn't look like I'm going to get it. This time, I think I'm moving into the numb stage right away, even though I haven't been denied the thing I want yet. I really don't want to do that, but I'm terrified of feeling that pain and loss again. Terrified. So, I feel kinda dead inside right now.
       Breaking points also happen with me with people; friends, family, essentially anyone I love. I knew this before, but I didn't know what to call it until recently thinking about this whole breaking point idea. Before the breaking point, you care about a person more than is healthy. You would hand them the world if you could. Then, something happens and you snap. It hurts a lot more than simply losing an object, an experience, or an abstract idea. During a breaking point with a person, I have cried and screamed like a soul in complete and utter torment in the deepest circle of hell, saying basically (though in a lot more words) "Screw you, person. Screw you for breaking me." Then, it seals over like a grave, and numbness sets in.     
       It's a weird thing, though, because in the numb phase, the person still matters to you. But it's different. The feeling is muted significantly. The feeling is not gone irrevocably because sometimes it comes back, and it's like a tidal wave crashing on your life. Most of the time, however, it's like this: You're sitting in a room with lots of people you know. Some are acquaintances, some close friends, and some family. Your eye scans over the crowd and you see that one person. Your eye rests on them a little bit longer, because when you see them, you remember when that person was one of the most important people in your life. You remember the extreme joy that seeing their face brought to your day. You remember what it felt like to want to give the world to him or her. You remember these things, but these things don't happen now. All you feel is the normal, everyday compassion and care you feel for any of your friends. You look at them nostalgically for another moment and then your eyes move onto look at other people in the room. It's like that.
      OK, that was cathartic. I'm so tired. I have to go to sleep now. I have a scholarship interview in the morning. So, goodnight.

This is an interesting topic, I feel.

So I'm starting to realize there's a theme that's completely encompassed the past four years of my life and is continuing to encompass it. And while that theme is a positive one, generally, it has made the last four years an emotional roller coaster like none other. Which, I suppose, is natural because I'm a teenage girl and hormones are weird. Whatever. That's not the point. And that doesn't make the theme any less valid. The theme, ladies and gentlemen, is love. Love, not as in showing respect and compassion to everyone, but as in deeply and truly caring about people you're close to, friendship, family, and significant other love. Throughout high school, especially the last two years, the theme of my life has been this kind of love, experiencing it and giving it and receiving it. It's ironic, though, that I still I have no idea what love is all about. It's the craziest thing in the world. 1st Corinthians 13 and other passages of the Bible spell out the basics pretty clearly, but application and experience are so different than just reading about it. Every time I think I have love all figured out, I see an aspect of it that I don't understand and my mind and heart don't know what to do. This note is just a bunch of random things I've learned and questions I still have about love, this utterly mysterious thing. (It's probably mysterious because I'm over thinking it, but that's me haha)
      First things: You can love your friends. I know. This is shocking. This didn't really hit me until high school.  I always felt really attached to my friends in elementary school and junior high, but I didn't really put a name on it. I now know that what I felt was love, and so now, I can say I love my friends, as close as family if not closer in some ways.This provides a perfect segue into the second thing which is...
      Second thing: I'm one of those people who doesn't like to say "I love you": unless they really mean it. Like everyone, I say it jokingly but only occasionally. For the most part, when I tell someone I love him/her, I mean it. From the depths of my heart, I care about that person and would probably do just about anything for him/her. So if you've ever been really creepy and wondered why I don't say that to people often, it's because I really mean it when I say it. I think this makes me awkward sometimes, and that's related to the third thing.
      Third thing: Love scares people to death because of the ways it can make you feel. Giving it makes you vulnerable, which no one likes. Ever. Receiving it makes you feel good because it means you're special to someone, but if you don't feel the same way about the person who loves you, it also can make you feel guilty. I know people have loved me and valued me more than I have loved them, and I have loved and valued people more than they love me. Whenever this happens, it is hurtful to both sides, more so to the person who loves more, but also a little bit to the person who doesn't love as much. It brings feelings of guilt, and I'm not sure there's a way to cure these feelings because...
      First question: When it comes to this kind of love, can you really choose who you love and to what extent you love them? When the Bible says to love your enemies, I think that involves a conscious decision to treat them with compassion and respect and kindness that are due to everyone. We should love everyone in this way. The friendship and family love also entails this. I think, however, there's an added element of emotional closeness that's unique to family and friendship love that grows through shared experiences or meshing personality traits or being attracted to something in that person. You can't make a conscious decision to have that "chemistry,"  for lack of a better term. So, if someone doesn't care about as much as you care about them, I'm not sure it's your fault or the other person's fault. Maybe you just can't help who you love and to what extent you love them. I don't know. I'm open to other answers.
     Second question: If you knew someone loved you unconditionally and would do anything for you, would that make you more or less likely to treat him or her kindly and lovingly? I think less likely. I know this sounds bad, but I think I've observed this in my actions towards people that love me and the actions of people I love towards me. When someone loves you completely and supports you fully, I think you take that person for granted. You feel free to go ahead and love other people whose love is harder to get. You treat these people better because you have to pursue them. The people who's love comes easily are uninteresting. Less intriguing and fun, perhaps. I don't know. I wonder sometimes what would my reaction would be if my mom told me she didn't love me anymore because I treated her less kindly than I treat my friends. I wonder how some people in my life would react if I told them I didn't want to be their friend anymore because I think they take me for granted. Both of these situations will never happen, but I still wonder.
      Fifth and last thing, for tonight anyway: I think you can love a friend of the opposite gender with your whole heart, be incredibly close to this person and still not want to date or marry him/her. I'm not saying it isn't confusing and weird at times but I've confronted this issue at least twice in the very recent past and come to this conclusion. It's possible. I'm not sure why people think it's so incredibly different from a best friend of the same gender. I know there are obvious gender differences and therefore barriers to communication and so there's tension sometimes and awkwardness. I think it's possible, though, because I can think of at least 3 friendships in my life right now and even more in other people's lives where this holds true. As a matter of fact, I often feel more comfortable with my guy friends because I have three brothers and also because guys are just more fun and laid back most of the time (sorry girls).

I have more thoughts, but I've officially procrastinated for an hour and it's time to study for my psych test :)

Meryl Streep Procrastination Ramblings

I should be studying for bio, but I can't look at gene regulation packets anymore. Over the past two days, I've used Meryl Streep to procrastinate. It's been fun. I've watched Julie and Julia and the Devil Wears Prada, and I've come to the conclusion that she is perfect. If only I were her! Watching her reminded me of a line in my first play. It's kinda weird how certain lines stick in my head and float out at the most random times. Claire (my character) was talking about someone's voice and how she sounded like Meryl Streep in the movies, "like she always does the character perfectly but it's not really her." I've kinda wondered what this line actually means. Maybe it means that when she acts, Meryl is so much her character that it's no longer her who's the character. The character is the character so you don't hear Meryl when she acts. You hear the character. It is her, but it's not really her.
         Even if that isn't what the line means, I'd like to act that way. I would love to be so much my character that it's not really me anymore, that the audience doesn't see me but sees the character and believes in it completely. That's almost a scary wish, though, in a way. To lose myself completely in someone who's not even real. Or maybe that someone is real, just in a different way. I often wonder what prolific actors and actresses are like at the end of their careers, the ones who've played so many varied roles. Do they become a product of their characters, a mishmash of exaggerated personality? Or just empty shells with not personality waiting for a script to fill them up with a character? They're romantic notions either way, but I still wonder. Perhaps one has to absorb or embody some aspect of a character to play it well. Secretly, maybe I am a nosy reporter, an airhead who speaks before she thinks, the wacky Prince of Denmark, two overprotective mothers, a heartbroken fiancee, an interfering British spinster sleuth, and a self-serving opera guild chairwoman. It's an interesting thought.
        Even if I'm not the sum of my characters, acting has certainly made me who I am.  It's ironic, really, how I became who I am today by becoming someone else first. Being Claire Ganz in Rumors was the beginning of my life, and that's not an exaggeration. Because of the people I met and the experiences I had in that first play Freshman year, I try to hold onto friends instead of being a lazy communicator, letting friendships die,  and staying inside my comfort zone. I talk more, and I feel free to share my opinions with others. (Whether that's a good thing or not, you can tell me)  In a graduation speech she gave that I watched on Youtube, Meryl Streep said "Being an actress has opened my soul." I believe that's the truth for me too. Being an actress has opened my soul. Now back to studying for bio...

Tension

Yes, there is tension. It rules my life these days because it's always there. I feel tension. All the time. Like there's these ropes pulling on me in two thousand different directions. And these ropes come from literally every part of my life. I have to act in certain ways and not act in certain ways and not say things and say things and accomplish these tasks and be this person and be that person and do this and do that and do this and do that etc, etc, etc...if you've ever seen the Disney version of Cinderella, you remember that part where the mice start singing that song about how Cinderella is always being told what to do by her step mother and step sisters and how she's just running around in circles until she's dizzy. That is me.
      To be completely and totally honest, most this tension comes from me: my over analyzing, psychotic head plus my stupid, idiotic heart. I desire so much from life and I want to reach for the things I desire with all that I have. But the tensions arise when one of three things happen as a result of my determination to have what I want:
       1) I expect too much from myself and try to do more than I can handle. Thank God I've gotten significantly better at this over the years, but that doesn't mean it isn't still an issue. When I can't do all the things I thought I could do, that creates tension.
       2) I expect more from others than they can give and make ideal versions of them in my head. It's so, so very easy for me to start seeing people I love through rose colored glasses, and sometimes...no...LOTS of times, this gets me into trouble because then when they don't live up to my expectations, I feel tension. It's false tension, created by nothing other than illusions, but it's still tension.
       3) God says no to what I want. Grrr. Ugh. Argh. Hmph. There are some experiences I'm not allowed to have and some friendships that are supposed to die and some things I can't have. There are some doors God shuts and at the time, there seems to be no explanation. This creates the biggest tension of all. This tension caused me to have a complete emotional breakdown on a Friday evening last August when I was home alone. I'm sure the neighbors thought I was being murdered, and I guess, if I want to be overly metaphorical and cheesy, part of me was. I have dreams, and when God says no, they die. Permanently. Ugh.
      Other stuff causes tensions too. Not just my crazy self. There is family stuff and school stuff and drama stuff and friend stuff and church stuff and tons of sub categories in those categories, all combining with all the stuff from my crazy self to make me feel like a rubber band that's being stretched over someone's finger and is about to be shot across the room. Sometimes, like that rubber band, I do "shoot" myself at people, when I just need to say things to relieve the tension I feel, and then it gets awkward. At that point, even if I was being completely honest, even if everything I said is exactly what I feel, I usually regret saying the things I said. Relieving tension exposes your very soul or creates even more tension. Like this note is probably doing haha :) Sometimes I think that maybe I should just rein it in, not say things, not tell anyone anything and keep it all inside me. But then, wouldn't I explode? Isn't it harder and more tense never to tell anyone anything, never to say what I think, never tell others how I honestly feel and always try to hold it all in? I don't know the answer to that question, because I don't like either option.
    Anyways, my life is full of tensions. Everyone's is and I sometimes feel like mine are so insignificant, but they aren't really. Not to me. To me, these tensions are my life and I have to deal with them.  So, I pray, I write, and I occasionally say things I regret saying. That's how I deal with them, even if it's not the best way. Now, it's time for me to dream.

Because I Think About These Things

      Yes, it's true. I've been thinking a lot lately, probably because I'm in not in a show, I have Senioritis, and I'm scared of all the change that's coming. Honestly, many of these thought processes end up in depression or anger because I'm thinking about the past or the future. Yet, even though they make me feel these emotions, they are somewhat enlightening. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand some things about caring about people, or just friendships in general. Things that I didn't understand or didn't see that I knew subconsciously or should've realized long ago.
      First thing: Loving or really caring about people is freaking scary. In fact, it's the scariest thing in the world for me. When I care about someone, I begin to trust them because it's natural. I can't help but trust the people I care about. I trust them to care about me back, to treat me with respect, to not criticize me when I'm not around, and to be there for me. And trusting people with that stuff is scary. Paranoid people like me have a hard time with this. I start to trust my friends with my life and secrets then try to stop myself from trusting them because I think I'm gonna get hurt and that they will mock me behind my back and tell my secrets to everyone. I sabotage and second guess the friendships before I give them a chance. I need to stop doing that. Immediately.
       Another thing: When I care about someone, I begin expect he or she will never hurt me, but that's an unrealistic expectation. It's not unrealistic to expect my friends to treat me with respect and not back-stab me, but it is unrealistic to expect they will never do anything that hurts me. People are human. I know, that's a mind blowing statement haha, but it's so true. They have flaws, which means sometimes they will mess up and say mean things. Though that doesn't make it right, it explains why. Also, my friends have their own desires and they have their own lives. Therefore, their wants may not be mine. I may care about someone as a friend more than he or she cares about me as a friend. My friends might not want to spend  time with me like I want to spend time with them, tell me the kind of things I tell them,  or want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine. Though that kinda stinks for me sometimes, it's really ok. I can't expect people to change the way they act or give up their happiness and fun times for me. I know they care about me, and the strength of their caring doesn't matter as much as the fact that they care. I'm more happy about them caring then I'm sad about them not caring as much as I do.
     Third thing: I don't want my friends to be people who understand me. I want my friends to want to understand me. This was kinda my Facebook status yesterday, and I'm just beginning to realize how true this is. Though it's nice when my friends understand me (that makes everything less awkward haha), I would much rather they not understand my actions but then ask me why I did something, because then I see they actually care about how I act. In fact, if they ask, that means they care about me enough to verbalize what they don't understand about me. They actually want to know about me! That's kinda amazing. I'd like to think that this year, I've finally found the friends who not only understand me on most levels, but who want to understand me better, and that makes me so incredibly happy. I thank God for them every day.

SHS Theatre Kid Mannerisms and/or Common Phrases

Most of us do at least one if not more of these things. They identify us as a family. Be proud.

• "What?" -When someone says something awkward, if we say anything at all, it will most likely be a confused, laughing, and bewildered "what?"
• Head Scratch-When a situation, person, or phrase is deemed uncomfortable or, again, awkward, our instinct is to reach up and scratch our heads while giving a sideways glance to the person next to us, communicating our mutual discomfort. Usually, the awkward head scratch is following by one of us saying "Ummm" or some similar awkward noise such as the "What?"
• The Fist- When a person has done something that causes an issue, usually a funny or awkward issue, we shake our fists at them. It's not a typical fist shake because instead of the arm shaking the fist, the wrist shakes it in a wobbly fashion. This fist shake is sometimes accompanied by a joking "Darn you, ______."
• "Question Mark?" - We like to grandly and loudly announce our punctuation. Question mark? Exclamation point! Question mark, exclamation point?!
• The Looks-50% of all our conversation consists of looks: those meaning, knowing looks that communicate more than is possible or socially acceptable with words.
• Noises- Ugh. Oh. Hm. Ah. Growl. Sigh. Argh. Meow. Ruff. Rawr. jklasdfuop. uywerkla. snouset. At least 10% of all conversation consists of these and many more random noises.
• Strange Faces-Our faces are extremely expressive and versatile. There are limitless possibilities in regards to the amount and type of strange, communicative faces that we can make.
• Awkward, Strained Laughter- It's usually accompanied by a head scratch, a 'What?",  a look, or a noise.
• Hysterical Laughter-If you get us laughing, I mean, really REALLY laughing, getting us to calm down is not an easy task. In fact, it's nearly impossible.
• Weird Movements and Dances -Enough said. Warning: If you think it could be construed as sexual, it definitely will be. 
• "I feel..."- Used as the beginning or end of a sentence, similar to Yoda. And when we say it, we're usually not saying how we feel, it's most likely an opinion. 
• Judging-Something we all do very well, too well.
• Whispering into Someone's Ear to make Another Person Jealous or Uncomfortable-Yes. 
• Texting Across the Room and/or Table- Yeah.
• Awkward Hugs or Caresses-Yep.
• Breaking Into Song-More popular with some than others
• Excessive Sarcasm- Including but not limited to: complimenting someone excessively in a sarcastic tone, insulting someone excessively in a sarcastic tone, and glorifying yourself in a sarcastic tone.
• Complete Lack of Humility- Basically another way to say we're proud of ourselves.
• Emotional Issues- We are emotional beings. We care A LOT about everything, including each other :)